I know, I know. I told Dr. Von Gingivitus she needs to freshen up the place a bit. A new coat of vomit yellow paint, a proper examining table (a mechanical bull is kitschy and cool but not terribly comfortable when someone is trying to take a peek at your digestive tract ), and maybe, just maybe, a fragrant, jasmine-scented candle to mask the stench of the bile-soaked rags piled in the corner of the room next to the cigarette machine. Yes, there’s a cigarette machine too! How cool is that?
Anyway, why was I at the doctor? Whooping Cough. I’ve had a terrible, horrible, debilitating cough for the past couple of weeks. A hacking dry cough that’s so intense that I have to stop whatever I’m doing and cross my legs to make sure I don’t pee in my pants (that’s my reward for pushing two girls who are obsessed with Matchbox cars out of my lady parts).
Yesterday it happened at Trader Joe’s. I had to abandon my cart full of almond milk, goat cheese, beer, wine, vodka, gin, and whiskey to run outside and coughcoughcough. Yes, I peed my pants a little.
So, the Whooping Cough…I was convinced I had it all because of a website called WebMD. I had all the symptoms.
Coughing, coughing and more coughing. But WebMD also diagnosed me with Scurvy (please check out this highly informative site called Scurvy Isn’t Cool), Alaskan Malamute polyneuropathy (to be fair, for that one, I was accidentally logged onto the WebMD for dogs site), Ebola virus, and Tourette’s Syndrome.
How could I possibly have all of these ailments at the same time?
I had to double check with Dr. Gingivitus today.
I don’t have it. I don’t have any of them. Yay.
She did give me the flu shot and the DPT vaccine, which is a fun cocktail to ward off diptheria, tetanus, and pertussis (whooping cough) Ouch. Ouch, Ouch.
I took it like a man and winced.
I feel better now. Not really. I’m still coughing.
I would like to apologize to everyone I’ve coughed on for the past two weeks…teachers, my family, mail carriers, musicians from Sweden, the teeny tiny woman who cleans our chimney. I’m sorry. I may have gotten you sick or peed on you. Just a little.
Oh, and by the way, please vaccinate your kids! Freaks.