Why Jehovah’s Witnesses Should Sell Thin Mints

Well, the results of the world’s most “Duh” survey are in–Thin Mints are the most popular Girl Scout Cookie. Which is why the Jehovah’s Witnesses should sell them door to door.

Let’s face it–no one wants strangers to come a-knockin’. You hide from the PSE&G guy and wave away Greenpeace hipsters. Teenagers with snow shovels get a smile and a mouthed “No, thanks.” You’re already registered to vote and you don’t want to shake hands with their candidate. A representative for the Census can take a look at your human form and count it, but they ain’t crossing the doorjamb. Mailman? Slide it through the slot. UPS? Leave it. There is only one sight that can unlock the doors to your heart. That green box. Or heck, even a green-and-white order form, conveying the sweet promise of Cookie Goodness To Come.

And thus, the most wild-eyed Jehovah’s Witness with Watchtower magazines spilling out of his clothing and wearing a sandwich board inscribed with “ARMAGEDDON TOMORROW” only need take up a Sacred Box of Thin Mints for immediate entry through your Pearly Gates. Or screen door.

Okay, obviously this is not a slam against the Witnesses. I use this hyperbolic example to make my point. People are crazy for Girl Scout Cookies. Wild. Psycho. Wack. Ga-Ga. I’ve had people run up to my seven-year-old daughter on the street and try to talk her into selling them the boxes she’s carrying to a paid customer. There was a torches-and-pitchforks uproar in my town because some woman snuck in from another town where the cookies were going for 50 cents cheaper and was making a killing selling them in front of our A&P. I literally had someone wave me down in my car; I thought she had been robbed. No, she just saw the GS Cookie crates in my hatch. I’ve seen troop leaders have screaming arguments over prime Cookie selling real estate in front of the subway station and tearful begging for a “good table” at the Cabin Fever Fair. And let us not forget the most vile Girl Scout Cookie crime of all time, the woman who grabbed a pair of scissors and chased her roommate through the house because she suspected her of stealing her Do-Si-Do’s.

I am able to tell you these shameful tales from a first-person perspective, given my unique position. My unique and honored position as a Girl Scout Troop Leader. Today is the first day of sales in my Service Unit (Scout speak for “cookie selling area”) and I’m already fearing for my life. I hope the Witnesses swing by tonight, because it very well may be ARMAGEDDON TOMORROW for me.