Watching my three year-old daughter play with her good friend during a recent play date, I sat there smiling and absorbing all of the effervescent, intoxicating giggles in the air. I felt happy. The other little girl’s mother had a smile on her face, too, and said, “This is so good!” Then she proceeded to tell me something that wasn’t so good.
They had been to a birthday party the previous weekend. Her daughter, like mine, takes a while to warm up. She doesn’t instantly jump in to play with other children. At the party she watched the fun from the sidelines, and when she was finally comfortable enough to join in, one of the other little girls at the party told her, “You can’t play with us!” Ouch! Even at the young age of three, it hurts to be rejected. As my friend and fellow mother told me this, tears made their way down her cheeks, which made tears start running down my cheeks.
She went on to explain that although she knew this type of exclusive behavior existed, she didn’t expect her daughter to have to experience it at such a young age. I’m aware that what happened doesn’t sounds so terrible, but the tears we both shed had more to do with the future, with knowing that our precious daughters will have to go through many more difficult situations that will test their spirits and shake their confidence.
There are things I wish no daughter ever had to go through–teasing, rejection, self-doubt, heartbreak–and yet I know that they must. There is just no way to get through life without some pain and loss. If you are someone’s daughter and you are reading this, then you know what I’m talking about, because while you’ve had some giggles in your life, you’ve surely also had some groans.
It just occurred to me that groans sounds just like growns (which, yes, I know isn’t a word). But maybe it means something. Maybe we should think of the struggles in life that have made us groan as challenges on our way to being grown-up.
Okay, maybe I’m stretching it a bit. But my heart aches thinking of all the things my daughter–and all daughters–will have to go through as they grow. I only hope that they have far more giggles in their lives than groans. And I’ll leave you with a bit of helpful advice:
Daughters, be nice to other daughters.
About UnknownMami
This happens to my daughter a lot, and I’m not really sure why. She’s a sweet kid and just wants to be friends with everyone. It is really hard. I just tell her to try playing with someone else, and that if those girls are mean then she really doesn’t want to play with them anyway. I just wish other parents would teach their kids to not be this way.
It pains me that kindness is not a priority.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
In my experience, a lot of parents aren’t aware of this kind of behavior OR they’re in serious denial about it. I’m constantly amazed at what parents don’t or won’t see in their own kids.
It makes me crazy because when I see my daughter be mean to anyone (ALL kids are mean at some point) I’m all over her like white on rice. I’ve made it my priority to constantly reinforce what is and isn’t acceptable behavior with her peers and I ALWAYS speak out about it whether it’s her or some other child being mean or cruel.
The thing is, it’s a learning process that takes time and in theory, as they grow older they are learning from their parents and from their experiences what is and isn’t okay.
When they’re little, kids really don’t know any better. It’s the parent’s (and teachers) job to teach them. Unfortunately, when they refuse to see the bad behavior, they can’t correct it :(
Twitter Name: Izzymom
This post hits me emotionally as my 4 year old daughter is already going through this in Pre-K. My daughter is very outgoing, fun-loving and to hear her tell me that so-and-so did not want my daughter to play with her or that my daughter was using something that was babyish in her “friend’s” eyes hurts me more than I ever thought could. My heart just aches at all the innocence,free-spiritedness and fun-loving self expression that is so quickly taken away and it’s starting way, way, way too young.
And you know at 4 why can’t you just be and like what you want without any guilt or judgment. Who is putting out this message that 4 year olds need to be more mature?
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
I suspect that little ones who do this have older brothers and sisters who do that to them. In my experience, most very small children are open and accommodating. The gut check usually comes later. I suppose it has to, but ugh.
Twitter Name: msmegan
Yes, you are right. The little girl in this instance has 3 older brothers I believe and I’m sure she gets grief from them.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
You are absolutely correct. The meanest girls in my daughter’s preschool classes were always the ones with older sisters.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
My daughter was 4. There was a queen bee in her class who was telling other girls not to play with her. My husband and I gently worked through role playing games with her — i.e., if she says, “blah, blah”, then you could say, “blah, blah”. We both tried to appear as strong as possible for those few weeks. But I cried after she went to bed almost every night for a week. I just don’t think anything can make those tears not come.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Ugh! Yeah, I don’t see how you can avoid shedding tears over it. They’re 4 and so sweet and you just never want them to go through this.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
:( My 3 year old is going through the same thing in her nursery school with 2 girls that won’t let her play with them. She talks about it frequently and it just rips my heart out and kicks it around. They’re THREE! It’s tough that we have to teach them how to navigate female social aggression at such a young age. I mean, wtf?
Twitter Name: nystoopmama
Seriously, WTF?!
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
So hard to watch a daughter go through this at any age — LOVE this post because of that! And yet, keeps happening at all ages of girl- and woman-hood! Great advice to all daughters!
I hope I manage to raise daughters that stay kind and compassionate. They are that by nature and I hope nothing in their environment ever takes that away. They don’t have to like everyone, but they also do not have to actively dislike or mistreat anyone.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
For some reason, girls are vicious when it comes to interacting with one another. Its like they can smell the girl that’s different. My daughter had a difficult time in 6th grade because she didn’t want to wear Abercrombie clothes. Watching her lose her friends was heartbreaking. She’s almost 17 now, and while her circle of friends is small, they are girls that she trusts, which is what counts. She’s got good self-esteem and she learned how to rely on herself. I only wish it didn’t have to happen like that.
I wish it didn’t have to happen like that, but it seems to happen that way a lot. I hated junior high (middle school) worst time of my school career EVER! I felt so out of place and odd, but didn’t want to be like the others, I just wanted to be okay being me. Then I got to high school and it was sooo much better. My high school was very eclectic and all of a sudden I felt accepted and appreciated without having to compromise. I think the bigger issue is for people that never find a space where they feel accepted. That’s just painful.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
Too sad. And true, unfortunately. Growing up girl can be hard.
This made me sad for so many reasons, even though I don’t have a daughter (and probably never will). As the mother of a special needs child, my son is at an age where the rejection will come. I see it. And it hurts me – my son, on the other hand is spared from that heartbreak (for now). In a strange way, it’s a blessing that my son doesn’t know he’s being rejected.
For a “typical” child, this rejection is devastating. And I know, because I remember being in that situation as a young child.
All we can do as parents is to teach our children to do the right thing when we are not watching.
That might become my parenting motto, “do the right thing when we are not watching.” All I can do is my best and hope for the best. I can get really bogged down in worrying, but worrying makes nothing better.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
My daughter dealt with two exclusionary girls who bullied her last year and she was three! I was shocked. Believe me, many tears were shed. No one wants their kiddo to endure that but most especially not that young.
Thanks for sharing the story.
:-)
Traci
Twitter Name: tracisstar
Okay, that just kills me because your daughter is just shy of perfect.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
Little girls can be so mean.
I spent my childhood reading in the library, because after the queen bee turned against me, they all did. I wish no daughter will ever have to deal with this, but more importantly, that the ones who are responsible for the bullying are punished..
One of my twins has issues w/ mean girls at school. And she just turned six and is in kindergarten. Unbelievable. I was subjected to mean girls and had hoped it wouldn’t start this young…very sad. But rest assured I am teaching my girls the right things. Just wish everyone would.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin