Whenever I get stressed, my body reacts in strange ways, like the little red bumps that popped up near my armpit the last time I was stressed.
Caroline begged me to see a dermatologist, but I refused, choosing instead to throw every type of over-the-counter ointment imaginable at my red enemy. But the only thing these various salves did was make my rash spread. Like kudzu.
Enter the itching. To the point where I could no longer tolerate the sensation of anything brushing against any portion my rash, which by then was the tops of my feet, my ankles, my calves, behind my knees, inside my thighs, my waistband, up and down both sides of my torso, under each arm, the backs of my triceps, the folds of my elbows, and even the tops of my fingers.
At night I resorted to sleeping completely nude and on top of the covers. During the day I turned to loose-fitting shorts and knit shirts that were a size too big. But such garb still brushed against my rash, so I turned up the legs of my shorts to minimize the contact, exposing most of my thighs and giving me the appearance of a grape smuggler. I even rolled up the sleeves of my shirt, à la Schneider from “One Day at a Time.”
If only it were to store my smokes.
No more denying it: I had a full-body rash that desperately needed medical attention.
“I’m embarrassed,” I told Caroline on the morning of my appointment.
“It’s not that bad.”
“Really? Soiled Depends think it’s gross, honey.”
Later that day, I fidgeted nervously as I described the situation to the dermatologist.
“Let’s have a look,” he said with a reassuring smile.
“It’s pretty disgusting.”
“Trust me,” he said, “I’ve seen it all.”
“Okay,” I said as I began to peel off my shirt. “I just wanted to give you a heads up because…”
“Good God, that’s horrible,” he said, recoiling in shock. “I’ll be right back.”
I expected him to return with a camera that would forever immortalize me as the subject of one of those disturbing, skin-condition brochures that were shamelessly displayed on the shelf to my left. Instead he returned with a two-inch needle which he used to administer a double dose of steroids before handing me a prescription for an ointment originally concocted for the Elephant Man.
“By the way, the shot I gave you has been known to cause some minor side effects.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Acne, but it’s extremely rare. Less than one-percent chance. I’m sure you’ll be just fine.”
Guess who’s part of the lucky one-percent club? Yep. On my back, no less.
Caroline’s got a new nickname for me.
Bacne.
About John Cave Osborne
So what the frig IS IT? And what causes it? And how can you avoid getting the evil rash of doom again?
(clearly, I was a hypochondriac in a past life)
Twitter Name: Izzymom
@IM — it was just a severe case of eczema and the only reason it got so bad was b/c i was all stressed and it was hot as hell and i was spending a lot of time outdoors, etc… it totally cleared up in like a week.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Oh, I feel for you. When I was a kid I used to regularly break out into hives. Full-body welts. I had a bunch of triggers: heat, cold, friction, stress, allergies. Then for months in my late teens the hives came back even worse. I found that wearing loose fitting silk or satin helped reduce the discomfort of chafing clothes. And strong prescriptions helped too. Maybe you could try that if it happens again. I’m glad you have a sense of humour about it! If you write a memoir, I’ll read it. Your writing is detailed and clever.
Twitter Name: cartooninperson
ashley — thank you! (and you’re in luck b/c i have written a memoir! it’s called Tales from the Trips. it’s about my transformation from bachelor to father of four in just 13 months thanks to marrying a single mom then quickly conceiving triplets. you can get it by visiting my website at johncaveosborne.com. don’t feel compelled, but thought i’d let you know!
also, can’t wait to start rocking satin tops w/ silk pants. love it. love it. love it.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Bacne! That’s great. I have severe psoriasis. It’s a big pain and I’m constantly leaving little pieces of my DNA skin cells everywhere. Now that’s gross! It’s tough living with jacked up skin but life is what u make it. I enjoyed your article. The only thing that helps me is shots too since I became unemployed I have had no shots so I go tanning (not for a tan I despise those little booths).
Good luck! Don’t get stressed whatever you do!
@vanessa — thank you! appreciate the comment!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I get the same type of rash. My thighs, my underarms, my feet, and when its really bad, my hands. Some things you just cannot scratch.
I have had every test. The end result, no cause found, must be nerves.
I am not nervous, but apparently my body thinks I need some weird reminder that mind apparently has a mind of its own. One I no little about, and if it has decided to make me itch when its tired or bothered by life, I don’t think I want to know it any better than I do right now.
I should own stock in liquid Benedryl as much as I go through.
Twitter Name: goose197
yeah, it’s funny what the body can do. or not funny if you’re reduced to rash-talking fools. thanks for taking the time to comment!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I never trust a doctor who says “it’s only a x% chance, you’ll be fine.” I’m always in that minicule percentage for whom things go badly. I got chicken pox twice, which is supposed to be nearly impossible (I had it once as a child and once in college) and then broke out with shingles when Little Joe was a baby- it went undiagnosed until too late to really treat it because it didn’t follow the normal pattern of appearing only on one side of my body. 96% of people who have shingles never get a second outbreak. I haven’t had a full on breakout since 2004, but I’ve gotten a bunch of flares. Guess I’m part of the 4%.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
i, too, find myself in what i like to call the unfortunate minority.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Oh, Schneider, you poor thing.
–Ann Romano.
it’s not everyday you get an Ann Romano reference, much less one so deftly executed.
well done.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Dear wonderfully hilarious John:
I suggest you tuck the family jewels in nice and tight and venture back to the yoga studio.
WONDERS for stress.
And you know I”m right.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
dear wonderfully kinda Alexandra,
know what’s funny? i’ve been in a yoga slump thanks to the holidays, but next week i plan on busting out of it.
busting out of the slump, that is. nothing else!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Yuck, JCO! And condolences! I had all-over hives last Christmas — due to a Christmas tree at my parents’ house that was shedding thousands of needles every time someone walked past, even 10 feet away. Christmas Eve in the walk-in clinic, Christmas night in the ER. MASS quantities of steroids. No acne (or bacne!!), but hardly slept for a week. Those steroids work great on rashes, but I was so juiced! In the first 24 hours, the doctors had me take 7 Benadryl. SEVEN! Usually one completely wrecks me for 18 hours, but with all those ‘roids, the 7 Benadryls did not make me the least bit sleepy.
Glad you’re back to yourself!
kristin, holly hell. what a nasty battle you had. glad you made it through and that you didn’t develop a benadryl addiction. (or did you?)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
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