My Super Secret New Year’s Diet

This Shake Weight was used for kissy-face self-portraiture only. No body fat was harmed.

I ended 2011 lighter than I started it, and since I’m feeling especially benevolent after a week spent sobbing over the end credits of “It’s A Wonderful Life” and eating Rolos like I’m re-enacting that scene from “I Love Lucy” when Lucy and Ethel work the chocolate factory assembly line, I’ve decided to share with you, one time only, my diet secret.

Step One: On or around January 5th, have unprotected sex and conceive a child. Mine happened to be in wedlock, but yours can be out of it. I’m not here to judge.

Step Two: Stop drinking half a bottle of wine with dinner each night. Also stop drinking Diet Coke like it’s water from the fountain of youth. Continue to binge on thai food, ice cream and cheeseburgers, only this time like you really mean it.

Step Three: Gain 25-40 pounds, and celebrate each weight milestone with a gigantic sandwich (tell them if they hold the mayo you will cut a bitch).

Step Four:  On or around September 24, deliver a baby, either out of your vagina or via C-section, whichever is safest for you. LOSE 7-9 POUNDS INSTANTLY!!! THE DIET IS WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!! STICK WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Step Five: Deliver placenta (2 lbs), pee even though it burns (1/2 lb water weight)

Step Six: Weep intermittently for next six weeks (4 lbs), breastfeed baby for approximately 1800 times per day until he has giant Popeye forearms and at least three rolls on each thigh (15 lbs–at 500 calories an hour, breastfeeding will have you back to your fetal size within 12 months)

Step Seven: Carry Stay Puft baby on your body while you: walk around the park; go grocery shopping; climb stairs to your apartment; catch up on “Dexter.” When he cries, pick him up–GREAT bicep work!!!!

Step Eight: Now that you can drink again, have some Champagne and step on the scale to reveal that you now weigh less than you did before you got pregnant* (see Step One), even if your body is now 50% fat, 50% sofuckingexhausted.

Step Nine: Jiggle FUPA in celebration.

*Don’t-Hate-Me-Disclaimer:  I know. I KNOW. I lost my baby weight in three months and you want me to fall in a pit of stale, jagged Luna bars. But I have a nice crop of postpartum acne and my baby only sleeps for three hours at a stretch, EVER, so it kind of evens out.

Photo Credit: Barbizon Models. Me.

About Una LaMarche

Una LaMarche blogs at The Sassy Curmudgeon, and writes for The New York Observer, The Huffington Post, and NickMom. She dominates at mini golf, especially after a few drinks, and it is a fact that Tim Gunn once complimented her on her sandals. You can find her hawking blog posts and fetishizing candy on Twitter, and if you really want to feed her ego (which took a major hit thanks to an adolescent unibrow and a penchant for Troll doll earrings), you can become her fan on Facebook.

Comments

  1. Mandi says:

    LOL! And trying not to wake my husband sleeping next to me. This is awesome!

  2. I remember after I had my first daughter and I thought coming home from the hospital I was huge in a size 12.

    17 years later I wear a size 14. Lesson learned.

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  3. HeatherS says:

    I was on a similar diet after my anti-sleeping child was born. An alternative option for Step 6 might be: While holding newborn all day so he won’t cry, you may substitute actual meals (from lack of time to shop/cook/feed self) with eating wheat thins out of a box next to the rocking chair that now holds a lovely imprint of your ass. Try to have a spouse/partner/significant other open the box and place it next to said chair before they leave for a 12 hour workday since you only have one useable arm for the entire day.
    See, there are benefits!

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  4. right there with you, honey….
    xoxo

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  5. Hi.larious.

  6. Annie says:

    Yeah, I only wished it worked like that for all of us. 10 years later, I’m still trying to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Some of us fail at breastfeeding and get major postpartum depression, leading to even more weight gain.

    But it was a very funny post anyhow.

    • HeatherS says:

      Well, my weight loss didn’t last long…I got pregnant again a couple more times and life happens and I still never have time to take care of myself so…don’t be too much of a hater…It was just an unhealthy, convenient way to lose weight at the time. I didn’t have to buy new clothes and good thing…I didn’t have time to get a haircut or new underwear until that the anti-sleeped turned 1!:)

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      • Annie says:

        Hey, I’m not hating at all, just jealous! But I have lost 50 pounds (yeah, for real) in the last year so there’s hope.

  7. Gwen says:

    I am pretty sure I peed a little just now reading that! HAHHAHHAHAH!

    50% fat, 50% sofuckingexhausted.

    You nailed it! HA!

    Glad to have found you!

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