My Soul is Full of Made-for-TV Movies

Yes, I know I recently blamed 1970s story songs for my tendency towards extremism. And while I still do fault Seasons in the Sun for my lifelong fear that I would die when all the birds were singin’ in the sky, I think I’ve found the real source of my conflicted and frequently maudlin soul.

1970s made-for-TV movies.

You may ask why young children were allowed to watch Sarah T: Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic or Little Ladies of the Night, but you might also ask why we were allowed to ride belt-less in the front seat of the car with a parent who was smoking unfiltered Camels and balancing a highball glass full of Harvey Wallbanger on the steering wheel. And I will tell you why.

Because it was the seventies.

I will now share with you the life lessons I learned from made-for-TV movies that are a deep and abiding part of my soul, for better or for worse. Well… only for worse, really.

1. If you are a sad teenager going nowhere fast, try to get kidnapped by a hottie mental ward escapee who will teach you about life. But don’t fall in love with him, because when he’s shot by the law, you’ll have only a mental fetus in your womb to remember him by. Sweet Hostage, 1975
2. If you are a sad teenager going nowhere fast, don’t fall in love with a boy who has no immune system and exists in a Saran Wrap incubator, because your love will make him ditch the plastic and ride a horse to the beach, where he will scratch himself on a pebble and fall down dead on the sand. Boy in the Plastic Bubble, 1976
3. If you are a happy teenager who’s going places, one of the places you shouldn’t go is into a cave while a solar flare fries all the human beings on earth, because you’ll spend the whole movie valiantly and optimistically trying to get home to your mother only to find her disintegrated into a little pile of ash on the family bed. Where Have All The People Gone?, 1974
4. If you are a sad teenaged Brady going nowhere fast in your post-Bunch career, play a 15-year old runaway who turns to prostitution, and watch your waning fan base wane to the point of extinction. Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway, 1976
5. If you are a sad teenager going nowhere fast, DON’T HITCHHIKE TO GET THERE. Portrait of a Teenage Hitchhiker, 1979

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