When I was a girl, there was a column or a book or something about manners. Table manners, the manners of giving and getting gifts, of how to cross your legs, of when you could wear white shoes, of which flowers to pick for what party, of how to hold a tea cup.
I think it was called “Miss Manners.” Miss Manners was a total drag. I mean, what, if you sit up straight, then you’re a lady? Meaning if you don’t sit up straight, then you should be auditioning for The Elephant Man?
Judge much, Miss Manners?!
The other day, I realized that a point exists at the heart of those thank-you notes and reminders to chew with your mouth closed that we’ve just sort of missed over the last several decades. Sometimes people do things because that’s the way they have always done them and they forget why we do them in the first place. Having good manners is definitely one of those things.
Having good manners has become the real life equivalent of the “cool kids table” for grown-ups. I think this is stupid, and since you’re in charge of who humankind will be after us old folks are fiddling around in our bathrobes asking if there’s any more red Jell-O, I wanted to to remind you of why manners are important.
You know why people shake hands?
Most historical narratives suggest that people started shaking hands to show they weren’t armed with weaponry. But there’s more to that, actually. A handshake back in the very, very old day also suggested that the people who shook hands imagined that there was balance, equality and respect between them.
A handshake was a way to show someone that you thought highly of them. Of respecting them. So good manners aren’t the precious jewels buried in some secret code book that differentiates people who matter from people who don’t, they are a form of respect. At one time, showing respect meant holding your tea cup a certain way. Today, respect might mean looking someone in the eye when they’re talking to you.
Let me ask you this, Miss Unlimited, what if you showed everyone you met that you thought highly of them? That you respected them? That they mattered enough for you to engage in small acts that on the surface appear meaningless, but in our souls go further than we might have ever imagined?
If changing the world just meant saying thanks to the lady who serves you lunch at school every day, wouldn’t you do it?
I think you would. I hope you would.
Because I think it will.
About Faiqa Khan
Lovely post. I am on the manners committee at our elementary school because several staff members noticed how kids have been sort of losing their manners over the years recently. We met with a real “Manners Lady” who taught the Committee Members where manners came from and why they are so important. She said that no matter what your socio-eonomic background, good manners will take you anywhere. I remember as a child, coming from a family that did not have a lot of money but my mom always stressing the importance of using our manners. When I went away to college and even stayed with some college friends over breaks, I walked into houses much different than mine. I felt intimidated. I used my manners. They served me well. And ladies, always feel confident. As a grown woman, I cannot stand other grown women who give me the limp fish handshake. It says to me 1 of 2 thingg – either #1. You are not important enough for me to acknowledge with a decent handshake for that will take too much of my handshaking effort, or #2. I am a delicate little flower who takes your hand so weakly when you take mine firmly thereby signifying me as a delicate little flower, someone much more lady-like than you. And I take that to mean you are trying to pull some power play that you are still somehow better than me, even though we ARE equals. Don’t try to prove anything with your handshake other than you are a confident, well-mannered person. Even when shaking with a man. Just my opinion.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
I love this. I’m trying to teach my kids about WHY certain manners exist, hoping it will encourage them to use those manners even when I’m not around.
Twitter Name: missbritt
Manners just make life a little nicer. More civil.
Twitter Name: msmegan
I forgot to mention, the Manners Lady taught us that back in the day only the rich and important were ALLOWED to use manners. She said it’s actually a priviledge to use manners and we should think of it that way :).
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
LIKE!
‘Manners oil the machinery of life’ is what I was taught … just help everything go more smoothly, you know … and I agree that a huge part of that is that you are showing respect and even consideration/appreciation for the small contacts we have during each day.
I saw something (much quoted) on a website once to do with being nice to the people you meet on the way up because you may meet them again on your way down … or even if you don’t ‘fall down’ they may rise above you in position anyway. I had never thought of it like that – as far as I am concerned you are nice an polite to other people just because they are living, feeling human beings just like us … and actually that applies to animals as well – if I see someone disrespect or hurt/distress and animal I think the worse of them.
Thank you, great post!
we are on the same page, lady!
I teach my kids manners every day. Drill them in is more like it. I hope it’s working…
Twitter Name: erinmargolin