Dropping Off Your Loads

I had a vasectomy in December. GoodTimesDotCom. What’s not to like about holding frozen foods to your gonads while watching hours of TV in an opiate-induced stupor? Which, incidentally, might explain the misty eyes at the end of Home Alone. The opiate-induced stupor, that is.

Not that I have anything to apologize for. It’s a touching cinematic moment by anyone’s standards–a tender reunion between an abandoned, vulnerable little boy and the mother who never meant to leave him.

Anywho, by now I’ve completely recovered from the seminal procedure. (Did you know that seminal means of, relating to, containing, or conveying semen or seed?) But there’s still an “i” that needs to be dotted. Yours truly has to provide the cock doc with two “samples” which he will test to make sure that I am, indeed, shooting blanks.

And that’s the part, you see, that no one discusses. Oh, sure, everyone tells you about the procedure itself, as well as the pain pills, frozen peas and jock straps. But no one tells you about the samples. Probably because it’s not that big of a deal.

Yet I’m struggling with it. Call me self-conscious, but I’m unsure of the best way to go about this. Well, the first part, I can, um, handle. You just beat the damn thing like it owes you money. But once the samples are where they’re supposed to be, there’s still the matter of dropping them off.

And that’s the moment I struggle with. Because whoever takes the containers will know exactly what I did to fill said containers. (See-through plastic, not helping.) And that’s mortifying to me. I mean, seriously, I may as well just wear a sign that says “I recently jacked off.”

Or have Warren from There’s Something About Mary scream “HE WAS MASTURBATING” just as he did in the famous “frank and beans” scene. (Do yourself a favor and watch it again, and pay close attention at the 4:50 mark.)

So, how do I handle this transaction in order to minimize embarrassment? Acting normal and carrying them in my hand seems a bit awkward. So maybe I go all professional and transport the samples in an Igloo cooler. But that somehow feels too cryogenic for my taste.

I could be nonchalant and carry the samples in my pocket, but then I run the risk of coming off like a freak who wants to keep the samples at body temperature.

Maybe I’m focusing too much on the transporting. After all, the true source of embarrassment isn’t the carry. It’s the drop off. Maybe I should strike up small talk. “Say, is aim ever an issue for any of your clients?” Or “Does anyone ever fill these bad boys up? Because I came damn close on that first one.”

Maybe humor is the way to go. “My wife is always getting on me because I never do laundry. At least now I can tell her that I’ve handled a coupla loads.”

Or, maybe I just own it. You know, beat Warren to the punch. “Hi there. I’ve recently masturbated into these two plastic containers as you’ll note from the semen therein. What would you like for me to do with these ejaculatory samples?”

I know! I’ll have my wife drop the samples off for me. And I’ll do something for her. Like laundry, maybe. As long as she doesn’t need me to starch anything.

About John Cave Osborne

John Cave Osborne went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months thanks to marrying a single mom then quickly conceiving triplets. John and his wife, Caroline, recently welcomed their fifth child into the world, a little boy they named Grand Finale Osborne. He'd tell you more about it, but he's on the phone right now scheduling his vasectomy. You can keep up with John on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube as well as on his personal blog which he calls (get this) John Cave Osborne.

Comments

  1. Kizz says:

    You know the people at this particular doc’s office have heard it all. I say you lead with, “I bet most people are uncomfortable dropping off their samples. What’s the weirdest thing anyone has ever said to you about it?”

    Twitter Name:

  2. Alexandra says:

    Oh my gosh. Yes.

    My husband asked if I /he could do it at home and Have ME bring it back.

    Wimp.

    Twitter Name:

  3. Julie says:

    I don’t know what your track record is with making uncomfortable situations even worse, but I’ve put myself on a strict no talking policy at the gyno. A few appointments ago I must have been laying there thinking of Leslie Nielsen because I said something about the results of my last pap “schmear”. As soon as I caught myself I started rambling on about bagels to complete silence.

    Just take a deep breath and remember that no matter what you won’t have to deal with stirrups (or I hope anyway). Makes it a lot easier to run away.

    Twitter Name:

    • John Cave Osborne says:

      julie, we’d be tight IRL. b/c i’m not afraid to make an uncomfy situation just a touch more uncomfy. i come by it honestly. and neurotically.

      Twitter Name:

  4. HeatherS says:

    I bet your wife would do it. I’d feel more comfortable dropping off my hub’s sperm than some type of embarrassing sample of my own. I also feel more comfortable buying tampons when I DON’T need them, as if the cashier has any idea. I’m sure you could strike up a deal.

    Twitter Name:

    • John Cave Osborne says:

      “embarassing sample of my own.”

      exactly.

      not sure what to say about the tampons except that i’ve only purchased them once. but i wasn’t having my period so it really wasn’t that big of a deal.

      Twitter Name:

  5. Diana says:

    I’m with Heather, though since I don’t need those tampons, maybe some itchy cream or something similar… of course that means we don’t need to drop off samples either.

    Twitter Name:

  6. Teri Carter says:

    I met my neighbor on the walkway out of our condo where she proceeded to tell me all about her errand to drop off her stool sample, while waving the little container all around. Dear lord just go take it already glad you finally pooped this week. TMI! Stool sample = way worse than seaman sample!!!

  7. janie says:

    I think the standard brown bag is in order here and when you hand it over to the person behind the desk, simply smile and say..”Don’t mistake this for your lunch”

  8. Chantelle says:

    After all women have to go through, especially with pregnancy and birthing, is it wrong if i’m relishing in this just a little bit? I mean, I’d be forgiven, right?

Speak Your Mind

*