About a year ago, I was a bridesmaid in my brother-in-law’s wedding. The weeks leading up to the event were filled with a mild sense of apprehension on my part. I was honored to be included, but the vision that the bride-to-be painted for her big day made my non-girlie-girl knees shake. I was sure that this was going to be one of the most ghetto-fab weddings in the history of all nuptials.
I was apprehensive when I went to be fitted for my gown. Strapless and long just didn’t bode well for a woman of my broad-shouldered, chesty proportions and clumsy gait. I felt like a linebacker for a football team called the Free Willy Whales.
And for the love of Rainbow Brite, the color. Of all the colors in the spectrum, my future sis-in-law chose one of the most gawdawful shades of green that could possibly exist. Naturally, the groomsmen–my hubs included–were to wear matching “clover green” vests and ties and white tuxes with long-tailed coats and shiny white shoes. I feared that when paired, we would look like a 1up.
Then, I got really scared when the bride called to let me know that she was having a meeting with her bridesmaids to discuss the finer details of hair and makeup. Because we live a couple of states away, she said that she’d send me an email with an outline of the meeting, including a picture of the hairstyle she wanted us to have. I was even more afraid of the hairstyle than I was of the dress. I kept having frightening visions of hairstyles like this:
When I received the email, the hair issue was still being decided, so she didn’t have a picture to include. However, she did send along the “guidelines” that she had discussed with everyone. I shit you not, folks; this is the actual cut and paste directly from my inbox:
Wedding Bridesmaid Meeting
- Everyone needs to try on their dress to make sure it doesn’t need alterations
- Discuss hairstyles–opinions needed
- Discuss shoes, must not be visible if they’re not silver
- Jewelry… I will provide, no additional accessories allowed except rings
- Be on time at LaQuinta Inn at 12:30
- Everyone’s makeup must not be dramatic, no extreme colors
- Shave your armpits please
- Nails must have silver tips, toes silver or natural colors
- Please do not come to the wedding high or drunk
- We need volunteers to help set up on
Oh, hell to the yes, I was afraid.
I’ll be back with Part II in a couple of weeks.
In the meantime, do tell: what is the most horrific wedding experience that you’ve been a part of, witnessed, or heard about?