Quentin Crisp once said, “If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.”
This cat was a visionary. And he would have had one hell of a great name for a Top 40 R&B artist.
So as we welcome in 2012, I invite you to join me in embracing a failure lifestyle.
Most New Year’s resolutions measure success based on whether or not a person can change an existing unhealthy lifestyle choice (being a sedentary blob, for instance) into a healthy one (getting all Jillian Michaels on one’s own substantial buttocks).
These types of goals are destined to fail days–if not hours–into the New Year.
But what if we tweak the equation and resolve to do a better job of being worse at the things we’re already bad at, which would actually mean we’re getting better at something?
Success, right?
Keeping this “failing-is-succeeding” mantra in mind, here are four highly-achievable goals for 2012.
Drink More
Last year I vowed to drink more, but I made the mistake of limiting myself to increased water consumption. Bad choice. By January 5 I was already beating myself up over my failure to get my aqua on.
However, if this resolution is altered to simply drinking more in general, that’s something I can definitely be successful at. In a slit-eyed-swaying-numbly-too-and-fro sort of way.
Watch More TV
Another failed resolution of mine for 2011 was to read more. But what if I promise to watch more television instead? I can do that. And if I focus on watching more reality programming, I will simultaneously achieve my goal and feel better about my own life, no matter how much I drink. Plus I’ll be supporting the citizenry of New Jersey. It’s a win all around.
Cuss More
I already swear a fair amount, but what if I strive to really ratchet up my sailor mouth? I’m talking about taking it to a wove-a-tapestry-of-obscenities-that-as-far-as-we-know-is-still-hanging-in-space-over-Lake-Michigan level.
Abso-fucking-lutely doable!
Smoke More
Currently I don’t smoke at all, so if I light up even once in 2012, I’ll have already achieved my goal. I used to chew, but my 7-year-old shamed me into giving that up last year (goddamn health teachers), so now I’m jonesing for some sort of vice to replace the void left in my bad-habit repertoire. Smoking would seem to fit the bill.
And I have a really cool pipe of my grandpa’s, so firing it up will practically be like a tribute to him.
Not that I ever saw him use it. But still.
So let’s make it official: In 2012, I resolve to be the best drinking, smoking, cussing, TV-watching me that I can be.
And by best I mean worst.
Here’s to success.
About Chase McFadden
Um, clean house less, procrastinate more, complain louder, these are resolutions I could definitely get behind!
Twitter Name: omahamama
That’s what I’m talking about. Raise the bar by lowering it. Beautiful.
Twitter Name: Chase_McFadden
Well, since I’ve already failed miserably on the resolutions to “shout less” and “swear less” (and yes, I did tell my daughter to “kiss my ass” today out loud, instead of in my head – shoot me, they’re still home on Christmas break and she yelled at me first, Dad), I think I’m aiming for swearing more creatively and yelling more.
Maybe if I start shouting “I love you” and “pass the butter”, they’ll just think ole mom’s just going deaf.
Twitter Name: mommy_grrl
Like the idea of swearing more creatively. Try some different combinations. Going to add that to my list.
Twitter Name: Chase_McFadden
Sugar Honey Iced Tea! :)
Twitter Name: jhollywoodd
If I did laundry less often I would save water thereby making the world a better place for everyone!…except maybe the people who sit near me in my office…
That’s the type of selflessness we are talking about.
Twitter Name: Chase_McFadden
I resolved to do an even worse job on the dishes. Two months in, and I’m well below expectations!