Sometimes, we take stock of our lives and end up asking questions like, “Could I be doing more with my life?”, “Why did I squander all of my promise?”, “Who in the hell have I become?” and “Is that cheese on my sweatshirt?” For many, conversations with our parents are the impetuses for such probing self-reflection. For others, it’s our college’s alumni magazine.
I went to Grinnell College in Iowa. Despite being a tiny liberal arts college in the middle of a corn field, it churns out overachievers at an alarming rate. Four times per year, the Grinnell Magazine arrives at my home and I get to read all about the marvelous accomplishments of my fellow Grinnell graduates.
Here are a few examples that will help give you a feel for the alumni class notes:
Raven Greenpeace (class of 1974): Raven recently built her own home made entirely of beetle dung. She is now teaching migrant farm workers to build beetle dung homes in urban environments to address issues of homelessness and sustainability. For this work, Raven received the Humanitarian Heroism award and was invited to garden with Michelle Obama.
Elizabeth Armstrong (class of 1937): Elizabeth, age 92, recently competed in her first Uber Triathlon. The event required participants to bike 100 miles up hill into a headwind, swim 10 miles across shark infested waters and run 50 miles dragging a sled of cement blocks. She came in 2nd place. First place went to Grinnell alumna, Jamie Summers (class of 1986).
Jaques Dupree (formerly Jack Smith–class of 1992): Jaques recently debuted his one-man show in which he performs an original operatic composition while painting a cubist mural that explores themes of existential crises and the redemption of the human spirit. The show has received critical acclaim and he just signed a multimillion dollar deal to write a book about his experience.
I want to start the Alternative Grinnell Magazine to showcase gems like these:
Robert McMoneybags (class of 1983): Robert recently partnered with British Petroleum on a new product line of baby formula made from crude oil pulled from the reserves in pristine Alaska. With the money made from the deal, Robert built a new mansion featuring wall-to-wall polar bear carpeting.
William Gadabout (class of 1969): William recently divorced. Again. Ever the optimist, he is looking for wife number 9. Feel free to contact him through the Office of Alumni Affairs.
Vikki Reich (class of ’92): On January 2, 2012, Vikki put on pants. Then, she blogged.
About Vikki
I think they should just send a flyer that says: “Everyone else who graduated from this college is doing so much more with their lives that you are. If you can’t manage to step up your game, please return your degree (no refunds because it’s clearly your fault).”
Twitter Name: msmegan
That’s a good idea and it would save on paper!
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
This post is both hilarious and timely as I was just catching up on my alumni magazine last night. Damn overachieving bastards….
My alumni magazine caught up with me just before Christmas. Talk about a holiday downer!! Here I was was feeling accomplished by finishing all my crafts AND getting them wrapped before the 24th and then I read about those mega-achievers fixing the economy and saving the ozone! Sigh.
See?! We need to set our sights on more realistic goals.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
I don’t read my alumni magazine. But I do wear pants. Feeling pretty fabulous right now.
The people who wear pants are the real winners.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
LOL! I’m a temp. But I *am* wearing pants.
Grinnell ’92 Represent!
We just have to reframe things! Pants for the win. Thanks for finding your way here, Heather.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
What if it’s yoga pants? Or pajama pants? I wasted a lot of money on my BS (Bullshit) degree. I should have majored in Stay At Home Mom. It takes beaucoup skills baby, but the salary blows. The acknowledgments can be priceless sometimes, though.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Whatever you consider “going out pants”. I’m not here to judge. Obviously.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
You’re wearing PANTS?! Well, clearly, you’re trying to make the rest of us look bad.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
That’s me – setting the bar SO VERY HIGH.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
You put on pants?
As if that were all…
Vikki Reich, the woman whose hair was enough to launch a FB page.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Are you saying the pants thing isn’t an accomplishment?!
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox