A Last-Minute Gift For People Who Make Love

Let me guess, you forgot about the thing. The thing where you NEED a quick gift that looks and feels like you put a lot of effort into it. Either it’s Valentine’s Day or it’s your lover’s birthday or you just need something sexy yet funny and not awkward to take to a lingerie shower.

That happens to me all the time. The image to the left could be me. ALL THE TIME. Actually, if it were really me it would look a lot more like this…

Yep. That’s more accurate. My nipples don’t look like gum balls though. Thought I’d clear that up just in case you wondered.

Alright, here’s what you do. File this away in your brain for when you need it.

Run to a drug store. Grab some lube and 3 gift bows. You can color coordinate your bows to your particular celebration.

If it’s for a lingerie shower, get the white bows (for purity, duh), shove that shit in a gift bag and BOOM, you’re done.

The idea is to gently place the bows over your nipples and crotchal area. Like so:

Here you see a silhouette modeling the pink color combo which can be used for Valentine’s Day, Easter, a birthday, or perhaps Squirrel Appreciation Day. Extra points if you use the long curly-cues to cover the cooter. It’s just funnier that way. And let’s be honest–some of the best sexual intercourse starts with unrestrained laughter. And libations.

You can also switch it up for the holidays.

Accompany your fleshy present with some pie on Thanksgiving. Your lover will be giving thanks for the cornucopia of sweet, sweet blessings.

This is also a fantastic option for when you need an extra special “stocking stuffer.” This little get-up is guaranteed to jingle their bells. Especially if the cookie is warm. No one likes a cold cookie.

I promise your sexy time sidekick will appreciate the gesture. After all, YOU are the perfect gift. YOU and your gum ball nipples.

P.S. Make sure you don’t press down too hard with the sticky side. Treat it like a Band-Aid. If you do happen to experience bow burn, just rub some butter on it. Margarine will also work. Don’t ask me how I know.