As you can probably tell if you’ve read much of what I’ve written at Aiming Low, I’ve pretty much got my shit together. I thought long and hard about what areas I need improvement in, just so I could make a few New Year’s Resolutions, but I came up empty. I guess I’ll just resolve to keep doing what I’m doing, because it’s pretty magical.
My kids, on the other hand, need to tighten up. They’re going to be three in a mere seven months, and they should start taking responsibility for themselves. So I put together the following list of resolutions that I will force the twins to sign during our traditional New Year’s Eve Remediation of Disappointments ceremony, which will be followed by a single toot from a party horn, a sip of sparkling cider, and bed.
Resolved:
- I will learn to use the toilet or other appropriate excrement collection apparatus in the manner in which it was intended. Potties are neither hats nor boats for stuffed animals.
- I will eat the nutritious meals prepared for me by my parents, and not reject them in favor of a handful of goldfish crackers and a pickle.
- I will happily wear the tasteful outfits selected for me by my parents, and not insist on wearing winter boots, tutus, and pajama tops or similarly ridiculous ensembles.
- I will research local preschool options and do the necessary legwork to get myself enrolled into the most suitable one.
- I will refrain from gleefully announcing my bodily functions (i.e., “I farting!!!”) in public.
- I will sleep at the times–and for the durations–that my parents deem necessary to optimize my disposition and development.
- I will abandon the practice of forcing my father to lie on the nursery floor during nap time, and instead allow him to go about his grownup business.
- I will neither snatch toys or other coveted objects from the hands of my sister, nor will I bite her until she relinquishes said object into my possession. Rather, I will respect either the “I had it first” rule, or the “that’s mine” doctrine, whichever applies.
- I will leave my shoes and socks on my feet until such time as my parents deem their removal appropriate, and will refrain at all times from throwing them out the door of the minivan.
- I will no longer pile on to my beleaguered father when my sister is already driving him crazy; rather, I will do everything in my power to help prevent the crisis from escalating.
This is just a draft, and I’ll fine-tune it over the next couple days, but I think I hit all the main points.
So, what are you making your kids resolve to do for the new year?
About BetaDad
My kids are 6 & 9 and they have not mastered #2 yet. All the rest seem like reasonable, attainable goals for 2 & 1/2 year-olds. My kids were work on #2 as well. If your children achieve “their” goal, please let me know what magic trick was employed to make it happen.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Oh, I’ll be bragging all over the place if they achieve any of “their” goals.
If you figure out how to accomplish #5, please, for the love of all that’s holy, SHARE.
I’ll let you know. I suspect it will have something to do with bribery and coercion if it ever works out.
The teenagers in our house have the new year resolution that there will be absolutely no back-talking whether it is verbal or non-verbal (we’ve had a recent incident of hand gesture issues).
For my soon to be two year old, I have but one request:
I shall afford my parents one opportuniity per month where I will not puke, harm myself, throw food, or launch into toddler rage while at a restaurant, store, or any similar locale where other adults are present.
Um, yeah, good luck with all of this. My twins just turned 6 and we still suffer many of these maladies. You should see what they are wearing today. ANd yesterday. Oh, and how they begged me to make blueberry muffins, so I did? And they chucked them for frozen pancakes. Bitches.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
My resolution is to have my wife actually get with the program in working with the 3yo. He’s tough. Seriously, I made significant progress working with him when the wife was away.