3 New Year’s Resolutions for Perfect People

There once was I time when I would set New Year’s resolutions to make significant changes in my life. I would vow to lose weight, quit smoking, and be a better wife and mother.

Now, however, I have met all of those goals and am basically perfect.

While attaining perfection is an achievement of which I am proud, I don’t want to be left out of the champagne toasts and promises to do better in 2012. I love champagne! And why should I have to miss out just because I have reached enlightenment at a young age?

Fortunately, I am not only perfect, but humble, and so I have been able to put together a small list of possible New Year’s resolutions for perfect people.

1. In 2012, I will downplay my awesomeness so as not to make others feel bad about themselves. I know that it can be hard to be around such a bright, shining light, and so I vow to be slightly less brilliant when in the presence of regular people, people who are not #78 out of 50. I may even look like a screw-up now and then, but only for the benefit of those who are less perfect than I.
2. I resolve not to lose a single pound in 2012. This is a significant sacrifice I make for my fellow man. I could change my eating habits and start working out more and lose 20 pounds or so, but I fear that achieving my “ideal weight” would intimidate everyone around me. Can you imagine if I was beautiful, smart, charming, and able to run short distances without throwing up? It would be unfair to you. Rest assured, I promise not to drop so much as an ounce this year!
3. I promise not to kill anyone in 2012. I figure I can achieve this one without making anyone else feel bad about themselves. Bonus: someone less than perfect gets to live!

I’m excited. I can tell that 2012 is going to be a year of greatness with minimal effort.

What’s your resolution for 2012?

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