Does this nail polish make my feet look skinny?
I am writing this while getting a pedicure.
Lest you think I am a Lady of Leisure, I should tell you that I only get pedicures twice a year, and only so that my nails don’t grow out and around in a circle like a ram’s horns or that guy in Ripley’s Believe or Not.
I go to a $15 pedicure place that has a huge poster of nasty, crispy feet inscribed with “Orange Treatment: Callus peel off like orange peel!”, which never fails to make me gag. When I entered today and one of the hard-working cuticle-cutters said “Pick color”, I crossed to the glass case that has approximately 9,000 bottles of polish to choose my perfect shade.
I saw a nice little purple-y brown, plucked it out and turned it over to see the name.
“Skinny Rock Star”.
This was a very ambitious nail color.
If I had this applied to my toes, what might happen? Would I suddenly be seized with a burning desire to wear size zero leather pants? Ride in a big tour bus with my name emblazoned on the side? Demand bowls of only green M&M’s?
I must admit, I was intrigued by this nail polish company that made such huge promises with its product, so I grabbed a handful of colors and went to sit in the pedicure chair.
And now, as my callus get peeled like orange, I examine the bottles and their extravagant names.
“Hot Commodity”. I assume this color will make me want to sell my body like prime waterfront real estate.
“It’s Genius”. And here I spent thousands of dollars on a college education when all I needed was a $15 pedicure.
“Wiggle Room”. Either this color will make me consult an investment manager about my margin of error or make me want to join an Australian children’s rock group.
“Very Structured”. The nail color that drives you to clean your closets, organize your paperwork and alphabetize your spice rack.
“Double Dip”. I suppose if this were on my nails, I would feel compelled to push my saliva-laced tortilla chip back into the guacamole.
“After Sex”. The nail polish color that makes you smoke, shower or fall asleep.
I’m looking down to see that my pedicurist has finished applying “Skinny Rock Star”. I wait for the magic.
Nope. Nothing.
I feel no desire to use recreational drugs or destroy a hotel room with my roadies. And my toes don’t look any slimmer.
This is more than false advertising. This is called burning down the dream factory.
About Dusty
You know what? I’d still try it :).
It does make you feel sassy, I must say.
Ahhh those marketing geniuses! “Stressed out mom”, “Whine time”, “Time out fever” just don’t have the same ring, unfortunately.
Twitter Name: zenaliciousmom
I would totally wear “Time Out Fever”.
now WINE TIME is much more palatable ;) That’s my kinda of pedicure.
Twitter Name: zenaliciousmom
I’m trying to picture you scribbling down all the names while getting your nails done.
It was a sight. And I had the massage chair on too, which made my writing nearly illegible.
Just me, I know..but a pedicure? And I do become a skinny rock star.
Adorable, Dusty.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
A pedicure has the ability to cure all woes and make one feel slim and sing-y.