You always remember your first. I was in Italy and was nervous, but a friend told me about her first time and I felt better. So, I opened up my Tampax tampon, put it in and went on my way. I spent the next several hours on a bus traveling through the Italian alps and every bump was like a punch in the vagina. When we got out at the next rest stop, I asked my friend to run explain tampons again to me and she said, “Put it in and take out the cardboards.” Cardboards – as in two.
Tampax and I worked out our differences and spent a few tumultuous years together but then I met OB in college. We were introduced by a mutual friend and it was love at first sight. I was drawn to its compact package and unassuming air. We spent our days discussing feminism and the patriarchy and our nights drinking cheap beer.
We stayed together for years. Other products caught my eye but I remained faithful. I thought we had something special and then, one day, OB just disappeared. Maybe we got too comfortable. Maybe we grew apart. I don’t know. I searched for OB in all of its usual haunts but it was just gone. I was heartbroken. I cried. I couldn’t believe OB had left me. I kept waiting for it to return but it never did. Eventually, I realized that I had to move on.
And then…the internet introduced me to the Diva Cup.
The Diva Cup was different and exciting. It took some getting used to but in no time we were dancing and walking on the beach wearing pristine white pants. I declared my love with the intensity a teenager does for the boyfriend her parents don’t want her to see. My friends were skeptical but feigned interest in the relationship because I was happy.
Then, one day, I was walking home from a restaurant and the Diva Cup and I had a falling out. Literally. I mean the fucking thing worked itself right out of my vagina. It was one of the most awkward strolls I’ve ever taken. This time, when I got home, I reclaimed my power and broke up with the Diva Cup.
“You’re an unreliable asshole!” I yelled.
It said nothing.
I swallowed my pride and called up OB. Turns out, OB had been going through a hard time and just needed to work some stuff out. We started seeing each other again and I think I might just get my fairytale ending after all.