I so enjoyed Osborne’s “Rednecks Say the Darndest Things”, that I had to do my own version. No, I’m not an old lady (proved by having only one white pubic hair), but I’ve been known to frequent the Bingo hall when I go home to visit my mother in Indiana. And let me tell you something about old ladies playing Bingo.
That’s some hella scary vibe, mkay?
I don’t care if your granny is a cookie-bakin’, church-goin’, comfortable shoes-sportin’, cotton-candied-hair saint who keeps her naughty incisors in a cup and has to be rolled into the Party Bingo Hall in a w‘chair, once she has her cards and dauber set up, she goes all “300” on her opponents. “This is Spartaaaaaaaa!!!”
Nine things that I have overheard in the Bingo Hall:
- Millie won again. I’m gonna stick this dauber right up her a–. Yes, it was mumbled, but with an amount of venom. The Black Mamba, the snake that can kill 25 adults with one bite? That amount.
- Skank. Skank. The retaliatory word of choice for Bingo losers, hissed towards the poor soul who dared to win the Cover-All. So satisfying it has to be hissed twice.
- Now you call B2? B2 late for me! An attempt to jest merrily with the caller who just announced what the next number would have been if Millie hadn’t already won, the skank.
- Put a babushka on your head so no one recognizes you on your way home. Said jokingly to a winner, but the meaning is clear: “Because somebody’s gonna jump you in the parking lot and pry that 44 bucks from your cold dead fingers.”
- Damnit. I hear paper. This refers to the rustle of paper which signifies that someone is ripping their game sheet off the tablet and is about to yell the dreaded “Bingo!” Said while you are ripping your own game sheet off because damnit, you lost again.
- She could fall into a pile of crap and come up smellin’ like a rose. A folksy way of saying that someone is lucky. The implication is that you yourself would fall into a pile of crap and come up smellin’ like, well, crap.
- Shut up and call the numbers. That’s your job. You began the night jesting merrily with the caller, but it’s almost 9 and you’re going home empty-handed again, and whose fault is that? That chatty, skanky caller.
- Audrey jumped the gun again. Poor Audrey got a bit ahead of herself and called “Bingo” before she actually had it. Also known as a “Bongo” which implies the drumming throb of shame in Audrey’s head.
- No, I won’t be seeing you next week. Said every week by the losing Bingettes. Who come back next week to say it again.