Old Ladies Playing Bingo Say the Darndest Things: Here Are Nine of Them

I so enjoyed Osborne’s “Rednecks Say the Darndest Things”, that I had to do my own version. No, I’m not an old lady (proved by having only one white pubic hair), but I’ve been known to frequent the Bingo hall when I go home to visit my mother in Indiana. And let me tell you something about old ladies playing Bingo.

That’s some hella scary vibe, mkay?

I don’t care if your granny is a cookie-bakin’, church-goin’, comfortable shoes-sportin’, cotton-candied-hair saint who keeps her naughty incisors in a cup and has to be rolled into the Party Bingo Hall in a w‘chair, once she has her cards and dauber set up, she goes all “300” on her opponents. “This is Spartaaaaaaaa!!!”

Nine things that I have overheard in the Bingo Hall:

  1. Millie won again. I’m gonna stick this dauber right up her a–. Yes, it was mumbled, but with an amount of venom. The Black Mamba, the snake that can kill 25 adults with one bite? That amount.
  2. Skank. Skank. The retaliatory word of choice for Bingo losers, hissed towards the poor soul who dared to win the Cover-All. So satisfying it has to be hissed twice.
  3. Now you call B2? B2 late for me! An attempt to jest merrily with the caller who just announced what the next number would have been if Millie hadn’t already won, the skank.
  4. Put a babushka on your head so no one recognizes you on your way home. Said jokingly to a winner, but the meaning is clear: “Because somebody’s gonna jump you in the parking lot and pry that 44 bucks from your cold dead fingers.”
  5. Damnit. I hear paper. This refers to the rustle of paper which signifies that someone is ripping their game sheet off the tablet and is about to yell the dreaded “Bingo!” Said while you are ripping your own game sheet off because damnit, you lost again.
  6. She could fall into a pile of crap and come up smellin’ like a rose. A folksy way of saying that someone is lucky. The implication is that you yourself would fall into a pile of crap and come up smellin’ like, well, crap.
  7. Shut up and call the numbers. That’s your job. You began the night jesting merrily with the caller, but it’s almost 9 and you’re going home empty-handed again, and whose fault is that? That chatty, skanky caller.
  8. Audrey jumped the gun again. Poor Audrey got a bit ahead of herself and called “Bingo” before she actually had it. Also known as a “Bongo” which implies the drumming throb of shame in Audrey’s head.
  9. No, I won’t be seeing you next week. Said every week by the losing Bingettes. Who come back next week to say it again.
About Dusty

Shari is the co-author of the comedy, "Maybe Baby, It's You" (Dramatic Publishing, Inc.) and the editor of New Jersey Mommy Poppins. She is also the evil semi-genius behind the blog "Earth Mother just means I'm dusty". Shari lives with her four children (two human, two pug) and her bemused husband in the distant land of Hoboken.

Comments

  1. MamaKaren says:

    We do a basket bingo at my church every spring (prizes are Vera Bradley purses and stuff) and there are some hardcore bingo ladies out there who are always on the prowl for a game.

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  2. love it. #6 is a crossover that could appear on both lists.

    wait a minute…we should combine our talents and write a list of sayings attributed to REDNECK old lady bingo players.

    i’ll meet you in ardmore, alabama on December 15, okay?

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    • Dusty says:

      It’s a date, John. I am salivating at the prospect of a Bingo game in Ardmore, Alabama.

    • nancy says:

      I saw ardmore and had to laugh, I live outside Philadelphia near what they call “The Main Line” (for those outside the area, the Main Line is home of the old rich and newly rich of suburban philadelphia, think Bryn Mawr College)…but when I saw Ardmore I thought you were talking about these Main Line chicks…the visual of all these ladies in designer duds rabidly playing bingo made me laugh! Almost makes me want to head down there just to see what they yell. Wonder if it’s “Muffy I wanted that pearl necklace!”

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  3. tara says:

    You nailed it!!!! Bingo is serious business. Silly me thought I could go just to relax, talk and have fun. I needed my combat gear and a gag apparently because I was way outta my element. There was definitely not a lot of synergy happening!!!! :)

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  4. Megan says:

    Don’t mess with those old gambling ladies. They will cut a bitch.

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  5. Alexandra says:

    Please?

    Take me with you?

    I love this kind of stuff.

    Brilliance, Dusty.

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  6. MamaKaren says:

    There’s also a lady at the church bingo who always brings her lucky troll doll. You do not mess with a bingo lady who has an amulet.

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  7. HeatherS says:

    So funny! I used to go with my Grandma when I was a kid. It was a lively group of blue hairs (or orangish hairs) but I never heard much more than, “That’s a new one!”& “Come on, buddy, call a new one.” And since it was a small Italian town the occasional, “Ahh, fongoul (sp?)…,” not really up on the correct spelling of my Italian cuss words.

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  8. bingo sites says:

    This made my day! These old ladies are very funny. Number 9: “No, I won’t be seeing you next week” is my favorite.

  9. Online Bingo says:

    Thanks for checkin out man! ;)

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