Warning: Turn down the volume on your computer (or whatever device you’re using to read this) before you click this link. It contains audio and video of children crying. And screaming. And kicking. Since you are either a master of parenting or don’t have kids, it may shock you.
I missed this story the first time it aired on NPR’s Morning Edition, because I was trying to get two screaming kids ready for our outing, an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon. [What? It's enriching and educational.]
As the good doctor emptied a forty of cortisone into my spine with a needle the size of a meat thermometer, he hipped me to the gist of the piece.
For the first time in the history of the scientific study of why children are a-holes, researchers discovered a virtually universal pattern to the temper tantrum. It starts out with a mixture of whimpering and crying, quickly escalates to full-throated, angry screaming, hangs out there for a bit, and then backs off to forlorn sobbing. Throughout the cycle, the more pitiful elements (whimpering, crying) are evident.
This may not seem that ground-breaking, but it does complicate some of the conventional wisdom about temper tantrums, which imagines the process as comprising two distinct stages: anger and sadness.
When I got home, I pulled the band-aid off of my ass and listened to the story. I wanted to know what these brainiacs had come up with that could either help me curtail the screaming or keep it from getting to me.
Tantrums have become a fairly regular thing around here, what with two 2.5-year-olds running the asylum. The frequency of the kids’ hissy fits is probably about average. Average times two.
So they rolled some audio of this dude trying to calm his daughter down during the peak of the fit. And the scientist explained that that was exactly the wrong thing to do. The dad was calmly asking questions, trying to reason with the little hellion, presumably, or at least distract her from her fury. And all he achieved was prolonging the anger.
Thing is, that’s exactly what I have been doing when my kids get hysterical. I don’t think they’ll actually stop screaming and answer me when I ask, “Why do you hate yellow socks today? You loved them yesterday.” But I had this idea that pretending we were having a civil conversation might flick a shame-related emotional switch that would lead to their cooling off. Chump move.
Turns out that the only thing you can do is wait it out. Which I will now calmly do, armed with the knowledge that science is on my side.
About BetaDad
Really? There are NO comments on this? It’s fracking ingenious! Do you know how many other people missed this information? I’m going to take a guess that they were in the waiting room at your doc’s office. It’s not always common sense to ignore and wait it out.
Twitter Name: RandomNinja
I guess everyone else already knew that stopping tantrums was a hopeless cause!
Well, I did…but that’s me. I possess the Supersmarts. Not everyone does though. I say link this to a few parenting forums where you’ve got assvice like “give ‘em a whollop” or “take away all of their toys”…They’re out there. Laws, yes.
Twitter Name: RandomNinja
Ooh, or the ones who say, “Lay down on the floor and act just like them”. I wish to stab those parents with my spork.
Twitter Name: RandomNinja
Ha! So funny! When my boys were little I’d step over them when they threw themselves on the floor and calmly say, “you done yet?” I didn’t do this because it was the right thing to do; I did it because I was FRIED.
The 12 yr/o still does it. Can’t wait for him to get past this stage.
Twitter Name: analogyqueen
I know some 18 year olds who still do it.
Thank you for this! Our daughter didn’t start with tantrums until age 3, after her lil bro was brought home. The angel-princess-turned-exorcist would have to be put in her room with the door shut and she would pound on the door and scream and cry and blubber and bang and pound some more. I knew she had to pull herself together but Dad kept trying to “talk her down” and it would only get worse. Although now a year later and a much more rare occurance, I feel he still thinks I handle this all wrong. I call it the RESET BUTTON. And that’s exactly what she does. Resets. She even announces it with “mamaaaaa! I’m all duuuuuun!” Maybe I knew how to handle these spazz attacks because I kinda recall having them myself and eventually crying myself to sleep. I remember feeling bad that no one was coming to apologize to me. HAHA! Stoopit kid I was.
This comes at a PERFECT time for me – suffering through a 4 yr old’s tantrums (why do experts make it seem like only 2 yr olds have them?) I do the calm discussion route, and it accomplishes nothing. What I have found with him, is that a few hours later, once he’s calm, he’s able to talk about why he was mad/upset/sad.
Same thing goes for full-grown women too, fyi :)
Does not! *throws self on floor* Does not! Does NOT! DOES NOT!!!
Twitter Name: RandomNinja
But the thing is, tantrums are such an inconvenience to me.