Mommy Brain~ condition that makes everything foggy, forgotten and questionable if it’s really happening, supposed to be happening, or already happened?
Hell, I’d bet my reminder list that most of us are in the throes of it at this very moment. Me, I am on the verge of a full-blown case of sundowners of the Mommy Kind. I’m not exaggerating when I say that if it weren’t for my head being attached, I’d have misplaced it by now.
On a cold day in January, I had an OB/GYN check up and was at that point in my pregnancy where I couldn’t see my feet but there was no way I was going in without a little landscaping down below. I refused to look like I had a chia pet in a headlock.
I stepped into the shower and tried to lift my belly out of the way, to get a lay of the land. Impossible. I had to feel my way making a mental note, as I went; Scratch. Bump. Crease. Opening. Labia. Clitoris. Baby! Oops. After much panting, praying and contorting, I started the impossible task. This was a dangerous endeavor. I’m no Helen Keller. I’d never done this before. There was a huge chance that some very important bits could be permanently severed and left behind to circle the drain. That thing’s attached for a reason. It may look like it’s coming detached but damn it, it’s not.
An hour later, I grabbed the mirror and what was revealed to me was patchy with tufts of what looked like tiny Fu Manchu’s scattered all throughout my groin region. Tiny Fu Manchu’s that you might see on a little person Kung Fu Master with a bad attitude and one eye. Back to the freezing shower I went.
My plan was simple; to walk into that appointment, drop trough, and show my handsome OB/GYN the most impressively landscaped vagina he’d ever seen on a woman. But why stop at just pretty? I grabbed the feminine hygiene spray and after a quick once over, I was not only impeccably groomed but also smelled like a beautiful summer’s day.
After the exam, my doctor looked up and said, “Everything looks great and (with a knowing smile and a wink) very festive.” I was an over cooked, over stuffed, waddling pregnant woman with no time to decipher Dr.Hottie’s riddle. I had no idea what he was referring to. At home after a quick look in the mirror, to my horror and surprise, what I thought was feminine hygiene spray was actually my 2 year olds Christmas themed Barbie spray. My hairless Chihuahua was now covered with green sparkly glitter spray. Festive, indeed.
About Truthful Mommy
I hardly know what to say. Besides that I laughed. A lot. And I needed that. So, there’s that . . .
Twitter Name: thecheekofgod
So glad that I could make you laugh!Honestly, I’m sure had it been videotaped it would be one of the funniest things I ever saw but having survived it, in the moment, not so much:) I will, however, NEVER erase the image of the tiny Fu Manchu’s that lived for a bit on my groin area.
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
Hilarious!
Twitter Name: KimMoldofsky
INn retrospect, yes. AT that moment, not so much:)lol
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
“Summer’s Christmas Eve”
You could TOTALLY market that.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
Bwahahahahaha!You want some don’t you? I know you do!LOL I’ll get on that fragrance stat, maybe we can add it to an AL line for the Non Con:) Happy Friday sweet pea!
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
It’s like you vajazzled spray-on style! There’s gotta be a market for that.
Twitter Name: ReadilyAParent
Dara,
MAybe we could market it with cool stencils and shit. Leave little saying down below like ” BadKitty” or “Eat me” maybe put on the backside… ” no entry” LMAO
We need to patent that! This is how we get out of the poorhouse and into the big house.
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
HAHAHAHAHA! Merry Christmas.
Twitter Name: blogginglily
Merry Christmas, indeed!LOL
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
This is why my ob-gyn is a 70 year old adorable man and not anywhere near hot!! So funny!
Ha! That story is so funny that it’s hard to believe!
http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/feminine/glitter.asp
Who knew urban legends really do happen!
I think it’s all in the execution. It’s only hysterically funny because you get to hear the inner monologue. I like to think of it more as being mortifying ( see Fu Manchus). Of course, thanks for pointing out the snopes. I wonder if there is a club for people who’ve made this mistake? Apparently, it’s really not that hard to make this mistake especially when you have little children around and a rousing case of mommy brain. Mommy brains of the world unite:)
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
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