Now then, internet. Listen up and listen up good! I am a happily married woman and do not plan on having an affair in the near future. Should I ever consider having an affair I doubt very much that I would have the forethought to sign up for one of the many hundreds of internet affair clubs that have suddenly sprung up over the World Wide Web, 20 or so of which send me invites daily. I’m really not that organized.
You see, I quite like my husband. He still has his own hair and teeth, he makes a fantastic curry and his feet don’t smell. I think I’ve done alright in the marriage department. I, on the whole, have no complaints. On the rare occasions that he goes out of town on important fishing business trips, I relish having the bed and TV remote to myself, not to mention a fart-free evening. I don’t suddenly rush to the internet (*cough*) looking to hook up with some random dude who fancies a quick bunk up with a horny middle-aged housewife in cheap lingerie. I’ve got at least four episodes of America’s Next Top Model on the DVR that need watching.
I appreciate that my email address of ‘veryboredhousewife’ makes me an easy target, but my boredom comes from living in the middle of nowhere and having no decent shopping. It does not stretch to boredom in the bedroom department, and if it did I might have the email address ‘verysexuallyfrustratedhousewifewhosgaggingforit’, you catch my drift?
So, no, I don’t want to join your club. No, I don’t want to get my revenge back on my husband. No, I don’t want to meet other bored married housewives, nor for that matter—whilst we’re on the subject—do I fancy swinging, dogging, a threesome with horny college girls, or any other form of sexual pastime with complete strangers from Iowa.
Nor, oddly enough, do I want to learn three questions that turn women on, although I was sorely tempted in the name of research to click on that. I know what questions would turn me on—”Would you like to go and buy some new shoes?”, “Fancy a trip to New York?” and “Do you want me to run you a bath while I tidy up?” I’m willing to bet a crisp $10 bill that the questions will differ somewhat…
And finally, to the ladies who do join these clubs–have you never heard of divorce?