I pulled out of the office parking lot on two wheels, so hell-bent was I on making my 12:15 Wednesday yoga class — the peaceful hump-day oasis sandwiched within my week long progression of acrimonious horseshit. I made decent time on the interstate, but by the time I’d wheeled my vehicle into the parking lot, it was still anyone’s guess whether or not I’d make it on time.
Sure, I could always walk in late, but I don’t wanna be that guy, I thought as I crammed my regular clothes into the locker and reached into my gym bag for my workout gear. That’s when I realized that I’d forgotten one small item. An undergarment.
Wow. What to do? I mean, if I thought I’d become that guy by walking into class a minute or two late, just exactly who would I become if, during Downward Dog, my dog went downward?
A split decision had to be made, and I’m not saying I’m proud of that decision, but I am saying this: my life is tough, dammit (you try having five kids, triplet four-year-olds and an infant among them), and I NEED that fucking yoga class just to get by. So, noticing the gym bag contained my super-long shorts, I decided to go for it.
Even if it meant I ran the risk of suddenly becoming inappropriate yoga guy if, during Warrior II, my little warrior suddenly found his way into the line of fire.
Fuck it, I thought as I headed to class. No turning back now.
Luckily, I wound up arriving to class a minute or two early. Luckier still, I was able to procure a spot in the very back corner where I could at least take solace in knowing I’d be able to rock a side plank without worrying about my little pirate creating a mutiny.
Despite the angst-creating faux-pas, I’m glad I decided to go ahead and attend class, because, just like always, it was the exact respite / workout my week so desperately needed. And you know what? It really wasn’t that bad. I just modified my practice a bit, reeling it in just a touch.
So, during Chair Pose, for example, I didn’t go down quite as far as I might have out of fear that the chair might reveal its other leg. And my Full Boat Pose? It was more like a Half Boat Pose. Last thing I wanted was for an oar to pop out. My Triangle Pose? Didn’t quite attack it with the same gusto as normal, you know, outta fear of the hypotenuse.
Which any math major will tell you is the triangle’s, um, third leg.
Namaste, y’all.
Image: o0bsessed via Creative Commons
About John Cave Osborne
“Outta fear of the hypotenuse.”
Those hypotenuses, ya know. Always out to get ya.
i know. right? weird. that’s why i kinda like the isosceles. or the equilateral.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
The number of metaphors in that short post was astounding. A small round of applause.
I was thinking the same thing.
there were a lot. again, couldn’t help myself! thanks for reading.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
yes, it was a play on words fest. i couldn’t help myself. i think the post was actually written in the time it took to drive back from the gym.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Oh my gosh, the oar popping out of the boat.
SO FUNNY.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
thanks, alexandra!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Okay. I’m going to be “that reader” and ask:
Were you not wearing undergarments when you went to work?
I suppose you didn’t want to sweat in your office undies, right?
So I just answered my own question.
And now I’d better go put on some underwear.
(Shhhh.)
Twitter Name: julie gardner
and in re-reading your comment, i’m suddenly under the impression that you may subscribe to a similar school of thought? there are more of us out there than you’d think, you know…and by “out there” i do, indeed, mean out there. thanks for reading and for your perceptive question.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
i was wondering when that’d come up, Julie. and so sorry to shoot holes through your compelling no-sweat-in-work-undies theory, but that’s not the answer. the true answer (i’m equally proud and ashamed to tell you) is that i’m not afraid to go commando. like every single day.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Going commando at the Yoga studio seems to be in conflict with my mental picture of the place, but maybe that is just me.
Twitter Name: thejackb
I don’t know, going commando while doing yoga is probably a fairly common practice. Embracing yourself and no constriction and all that.
But I can see how it might be distracting (to you, if to noone else) – I’d probably never go bra-less during a yoga class.
Still, well done. Both on the post and… the other stuff :-)
you think? i mean, my biggest concern was freaking out some poor woman who was simply minding her business. one minute, sun salute, next minute, a different salute altogether.
thanks for the comment!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
THANK YOU for keeping yourself modest, unlike the inappropriate yoga guy in the class that I go to once in a blue moon (thanks to him.) Pale grey non padded cycling shorts on a 50+ year old dude who seems to think there’s a prize for the longest, loudest exhalations does NOT put me in a yoga frame of mind.
That said, Namaste.
Twitter Name: midlifemixtape