Clearly, Mabel's mean mommies didn't save her any coffee.
I don’t care how tough you think you are. Your child’s holiday pageant will take you down. The adorable costuming, the tiny voices raised in an incomprehensible, wind-chimey chorus, the fact that you are experiencing holiday fatigue and are ripe for a breakdown: all of these ingredients combined will make you a sobbing wreck. I managed to avoid cracking this year, however, and this is how I did it:
1. Distraction While waiting in the lobby of my daughter’s preschool, I became obsessed with a substantial elder seated next to the fireplace. He had a white walrus moustache, spectacles, a backwards Kangol. If his folded arms were any indication, he was either (a) pissed off, or (b) a rapper. He was probably someone’s constipated grandpa, but to my imagination, he was LL Cool J, magically transformed into Wilford Brimley– possibly to learn a valuable lesson about the true meaning of Christmas. When my daughter and her pixie posse tried to destroy me with “Sing A Song of Snowmen”, my eyes were dry, thanks to LL Cool Wilford and the Christmas special playing in my mind, “Santa Said Knock You Out.”
2. Documentation Nothing removes you from “The Now” quite like attempting to document it. That doesn’t sound like a good thing, but in a situation like this, it is. Put the heart-rending cuteness in its place: the cross-hairs of your camera. It’s smaller and more manageable there. Bonus Dummy Tip: Now’s a great time to bust out that brand new camera you have no idea how to use! I did, and I was so busy trying to stop my camera from shooting extreme close-ups of my daughter’s nostrils, I totally missed “Call Rudolf!”
3. Demonization I’m not going to lie: my daughter sort of looked like hell that day. We had to get up a little earlier than usual to get ready, and in the chaos, Mabel had to forgo her usual cup of black coffee. As a result, she basically looked like she’d been shot out of a cannon. So I had the rare pleasure of sweating out a family event, hoping that no one got the bright idea to call family services on me, the mom who brilliantly chose to look like a fidgety, shifty-eyed creep clearly unmoved by the festival of adorable unfolding before us.
The Three D Plan can be individualized, and it can work for you. Let your AV equipment, darkest insecurities and wildest imaginings reign supreme! The important thing to remember is your child is growing up faster than you can catch her in your camera, and faster than you can run to your car, which is the only acceptable place to cry.
About Hellraisin
This is a riot, I’m tearful from laughing not crying.
Laugh it up, Go “All My Kids Done GROWN” Granny Go! I mean, thanks, Mom!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
I recommend taking a hyperactive, excited, toddler sibling who can’t keep still and knows a proportion of the audience behind you so has to keep shooting off to jump on them squeaking ‘Dat iz me friend toooo’
Show, what show? Elder boy was on stage? Oh, the singing in the background … lovely …
This adorable, friendly child is a prodigy of distraction! Can we hang if anything happens to my camera?
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Get yourselves on the next flight to Sweden then! Always welcome …. (We’re all Brits, but here for work and loving it)
Hmmm… “Santa Says Knock You Out In ABBAland”? Intriguing. I might not make it through security, (Whoever heard of an American WITHOUT a camera? Very suspicious.)but thank you, Helen, for the invite!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Yes!!! These strategies work for the holiday pageants as well as the even more tear-jerking “peace ceremonies” held quarterly at the Montessori school. I keep the camera lense cloth handy in case I need to make a quick swipe of the eyes or nose.
Very classy, understated–elegant, even. Totally not my style, of course, but I admire your aplomb.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
“festival of adorable”. Love this!!
Love me some Dustylove (TM)! Thank you!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Only little ones manage to look adorable when exhausted and without caffeine…
I am a puddle at all such events – I need a few tips!
It’s a losing battle, Peryl. Last one to the car is a rotten egg!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
I well up openly, and without apology, as the moment hits me. I get touched by a variety of human displays, and what others may interpret about it is of little interest to me.
Every year I see it, Christmas: “Hark, the Herold Angels Sing” and a sincerely delivered appeal by a blanket-clutching Linus – forgetaboutit.
Which reminds me…Puffs Regular or Plus? Your mouth might say “Regular”, but your heart is saying “Plus.” It’s okay! Don’t worry about my budget. Nothing’s too good for my Meister at Christmas!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel