Good-Time Grocery Games!

The Brawny(R) End Zone Challenge!

Grocery shopping with your child can be an excruciating ordeal: boredom begets whining; hunger provokes unreasonable requests for premium-priced junk food. But with the right combination of caffeine and creativity, you can transform the grocery gauntlet into a rollicking good time-slash-bonding experience.

Consider the following:

The Brawny ® End Zone Challenge! Sure, your preferred brand of paper towel can suck up a liter of maple syrup out of a heavy nap cardigan. It may even support an entire Thanksgiving place setting on a single gravy-soaked sheet. But can it go long? Can it soar in a tight spiral while maintaining an elegant arc? Until you and your child take the Brawny ® End Zone Challenge! you may never know. Thanks to the B®EZC!, my daughter and I have built a rapport rivaling that of Joe Montana and Jerry Rice.

Meat Poke!

Meat Poke! This one is a classic from my John Waters Webelo childhood. The player approaches a pound of ground beef, looks around, extra creepy-like, to make sure no one is looking, and pushes their index finger into the meat as far as it will go without tearing the cellophane or getting caught by a horrified bystander. If time allows, you can give your mound of ground round a bowling ball makeover or, with a series of shallow jabs, a smiley face. To those who would ask, “Why poke meat?” I say, why sculpt clay or write symphonies?

Car Cart Grand Prix!

Car Cart Grand Prix! Your typical car cart may look cumbersome and ponderous, but don’t be fooled: it’s a screaming demon capable of hairpin turns and spectacular spin outs. This is no game for half-assers. Fuel up with a venti cappuccino, strap your toddler into the driver’s seat, and surrender everything you once were to become a MOTHERFUCKING BAT OUT OF HELL. Don’t forget the squealing tire sound effects and the roar of the drunken crowd.

Lobster Wars!

Lobster Wars! Not all of my grocery store games are obnoxious or potentially dangerous. For you wussies who would prefer not to make a scene or get kicked out of the store, there’s the soothing underwater ballet of Lobster Wars! Cheer on your favorite salt water gladiator as he dukes it out against his chosen adversary within the close confines of the lobster tank. It’s like a mosh pit with exoskeletons and rubber bands! And it’s not at all depressing when you stop to think about it! So stop thinking! There is no thinking in Lobster Wars!

Sure, there are bystanders to consider and certain disorderly conduct laws to abide, but I’m sorry—I’d rather take my chances than hear “Whyyyyyyyy can’t we buyyyyyyyyyyyy Ding Dongs???” one more god-forsaken time.