My husband and I have similar senses of humor: dirty, entirely inappropriate, often juvenile and generally offensive. That’s why we’ve been married for almost 11 years. It’s the reason I didn’t become one of those statistics — girls who get married at 20 years old aren’t always happily married to the same person at 31.
So when he cracked open his fortune cookie at Pei Wei the other day and unwrapped this little gem, we both snorted inappropriately:
“You will soon be traveling southward and learn great things.”
I naturally began with the “It’s about damn time you learn what you’re doing” jokes while he busied himself with the “Sweet, it’s gonna be a good week” comments. Then I posted it on Facebook, of course.
My Facebook friends are the best. The people I know who are easily offended unfriended me long ago and the rest take it all to a new level. I did not, however, expect my mother to take the cake on this one.
I love my mom. She’s sweet and amazing and has a great sense of humor. But she’s slow on the sexually inappropriate jokes. I recall having to tell her what “BJ” was in high school (but not because I had personal experience, for the record). So after my friends posted various comments about animals and how lucky I was, she dropped by with this little gem:
He’s coming over here??? Of course I’ll teach him a thing or two….what do you want him to ‘know’. LOL
Yep. that’s right. My mom offered to have my husband come over to her house so she could teach him about oral sex.
Of course, she didn’t know that. We live in SoCal and she and my dad live in Arizona, so she took the fortune quite literally.
It reminded me of a conversation she and my husband had no too long ago, when he was having back pain.
Mom: “You really need a vibrator. It would help.”
My Husband: “A vibrator? I don’t think a vibrator would help my back.”
Mom: “Yes, it would! You have to get one. I use mine all the time.”
My Husband: “So, I know we’re super close and we talk about everything, but…”
Mom: “Haven’t you seen it?”
My Husband: “I hope not.”
At that point, I had to interject, just because it was getting funny.
Me: “Mom, I’m pretty sure Ed hasn’t seen your vibrator. By the way, I didn’t know you had one.”
Mom: “Yes you do. You’ve used it.”
My Husband: “Sweet Baby Jesus, this isn’t normal!”
Me: “Yeah, I can promise you that I haven’t.”
Mom: “Yes you have. It had three heads.”
My Husband: “Okay, now this is just getting weird. And slightly uncomfortable.”
Me: “Mom, I really didn’t need to know you have a vibrator with three heads. What do you and dad do?! Wait, don’t answer that.”
Mom: “What are you talking about? You know what I’m talking about. I got it at Costco. Maybe they still have them. Ed needs one.”
My Husband: “I’m pretty sure I don’t. Where’s the icepick? I’m going to stab my eardrums before this gets worse.”
Mom: “Yes, you know what I’m talking about. It’s hand-held.”
My Husband: “Most of them are…”
Me: “Seriously. What are we talking about here?”
Mom: “OH!!! No! It’s not called a vibrator, is it? It’s that back massager thing. Remember? When your neck was hurting, you used it and it helped.”
I’ve learned my lesson about conversations with my mom as well as sexually suggestive fortunes: clarify that they relate to sex from the get-go.
Otherwise, she might offer to let my husband head south.
About Laura Willard
This made my day! Thanks for making me LOL!!
You are so welcome! I’m glad we can all laugh at my mom together! I mean, with her. Yes, laugh with her. :)
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
I don’t care how uncomfortable this made you or your husband, it’s AWESOME. :)
Twitter Name: msmegan
Her misunderstandings really are funny. Fortunately, he loves my mom and vice versa — although, not in THAT way and not THAT much – so we all find it entertaining.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
cracking up!!!
A much needed laugh. Thank you!
I’m tearing up – too too funny.
Thank You so much for that laugh :) I have tears in my eyes as does my mother who does get inappropriate jokes LMAO
Twitter Name: rose3694
While I’ve grown into telling dirty jokes, I wasn’t always like that. After my first trip to visit my wife (then-girlfriend), my father asked me whether she was a natural redhead. I answered “Of course”… and then two seconds later his implication hit. D’oh! I shouted “That’s not what I meant, dad!” but the damage was done and my dad was laughing.
Twitter Name: TechyDad
Gah, thanks for the laugh! I may have woken my husband though…
Twitter Name: screweduptexan
My mother is the same way with the sexual innuendo.
Every time we order Chinese food, I ask her if she wants Cream of Sum Yung Guy.
And she always says something like, “No. You know I like Beef with Broccoli.”
Twitter Name: StacieinAtlanta
My MIL also refers to her massager as her vibrator. Cracks me up every time.
This story is hilarious. How nice you can have such open conversations with your mom :)
Twitter Name: acctodenise
Oh, yes: you made me laugh out loud.
Oh…I would’ve died…had I read that FB offer.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
So. Besides the whole “Mom offering oral lessons” thing, was it in fact a good week?
Never mind. You don’t have to tell me. I’ll just assume.
Also, I need to go out for Chinese food more often.
Twitter Name: julie gardner
Too funny. Your mom’s a gem.
Twitter Name: wombatcentral
thanks for the laugh, and tears.
I am crying right now and can barely type from laughing so hard. Thanks!!
OMG! This made my day! I need to invite your mom over for cocktails…after I stock up on some Poise Pads.
Twitter Name: TheBeardedIris
OH MY! I just about peed myself!
My mother in law’s birthday was last week, and when she opened her present from her boyfriend, she exclaimed out LOUD “oh, you bought me another vibrator”…. I looked at my sister in law, and hubby, and we just burst out laughing, my poor mother in law just went on about how wonderful that was, completely clueless…. took her about 10 minutes to realize what she had called her new neck massager…