Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

First off, please do not tell my kids that I wrote you this letter because they are not allowed to write you letters. Well, that’s not true; they can write you letters, but they can not give you a list of things they want. They will grow up like I did, not knowing what they are getting and faking genuine enthusiasm even when the gifts suck.

But I am all grown and I do not have to follow the same set of rules because being a grown up means that I can embrace hypocrisy with very little guilt and lots of justification. This grown up thing also rocks because I can write a letter and ignore grammar rules. In your face, Grammar!

So let’s get down to business shall we? I have a list of things I would love for Christmas.

• No more SPAM. Not the spiced ham kind that is really popular in Hawaii of which I am no longer a fan. I mean like “Free Penis Enlargement Trial” kind of spam in my inbox. The thing is Santa, I know how to enlarge a penis…sure it’s only temporary, but that’s all I need.

• Help with my hearing. Technically there is nothing wrong with my hearing, it’s more to do with my interpretation. I find a way to hear an insult even in a compliment. I’d give you examples, but I have a future post planned on it so maybe you could just subscribe to my RSS feed and read about it later, which reminds me…Santa, do you have a blog? ‘Cause if you don’t, you should really get one, it would make it so much easier to stay in touch with you all year long. Really Santa, you need to get on board with the whole social media thing.

• The last thing I want isn’t something for me, it’s something for you. Santa, I think it’s great that you are always focused on giving, but I’m thinking maybe it’s time for you to focus on yourself a little. Santa you are a HUGE celebrity and you could really cash in on it. Have you ever considered going on “Dancing with the Stars” or “The Biggest Loser”? I didn’t bring up those shows because I think you need to lose weight (I like a man with a little heft), but the exercise would be great for you. Anyway, I just thought it might be nice to see you get some exposure year round so that people don’t think you are a one trick pony.

That’s it.

Thanks for doing what you do and save me some cookies,

Unknown Mami

Photo Credit