Every year, after the Thanksgiving dishes are cleared, our extended family takes the same poll. Every year, I’m voted down. I am apparently the only adult who thinks it is ridiculous to draw names and then sit around Christmas morning and exchange gift cards.
I have warned my family that anyone getting me a gift card to Joann Fabric and Crafts again is at the risk of being run through by a pair of brand new extra sharp scissors.
Really Shitty Gift Ideas
(Alternately, items on this list could double as white elephant gifts.)
- The Epilady. Apparently they have been revamped and are back on the market. If you were unfortunate enough to be alive and female (or listened to a lot of Wham!) in the mid 80’s, you will know of this medieval torture unit made of springs and coils. Let’s just say it never caught on. It was, however, one of the hottest garage sale items of 1984.
- A personal massager. There is nothing quite like getting grandma a disguised vibrator. Why not throw in a pair of pasties and edible panties to complete the hat trick.
- Every flavor of Boone’s Farm. And perhaps a complimentary barf bag.
- Everyone’s favorite decanter. The little boy urinating which is found at every corner liquor store. I’ve heard.
- Tacky yard art. Flamingos, garden gnomes, and fake deer come to mind.
- The Thighmaster Gold, Snuggie, or anything sold by Ron Popeil.
- Cheap whiskey in the signature purple Crown Royal box. Unseal by using a razor at the bottom to make the switch. The top stays sealed until it is opened. The switcheroo would most likely be discovered at the recipient’s home in my family. Not because they don’t like Crown Royal, but they wouldn’t want to share. Suckers.
- $50.00 in pennies.
- A framed Boudoir photograph of me with a note requesting a place on the recipient’s bedroom nightstand.
- Disappointing gift card. Since most people will inevitably be purchasing $50.00 gift cards, I think a $15.00 Starbucks card will work nicely to bait my first hook.
What do you think of my ideas? Did I miss anything?
About Poppy
Those are awesome. Thank you…I now know what to get my dad for Christmas. A decanter. Even though I have no idea what it is
Twitter Name: imperfectmomma
It’s truly tacky, he’ll love it.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
My mom got me a coffee maker a few years back. I don’t drink coffee. She knows I don’t and never did. Thanks mom for a shitty gift.
Classic backhanded gift. Thanks mom for the subtle reminder that every time you come for a visit, I don’t have a pot of coffee ready.
Twitter Name: omahamama
My mom has like a Mr. Coffee Jr. coffee pot that makes like 2 cups at a time. I would love to upgrade her, but she doesn’t want another. But NEVER for a gift!
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Nice. I’d regift it back the following year.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Clothes! Please don’t pick out clothes for other adults (unless it’s your spouse and he knows you’re going to take it back anyway). My mom still tries to pick clothes for me because it’s what she thinks I should wear!
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
What you don’t like elastic waistband mom jeans and oversized sweatshirts with applique flowers?
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Wait a minute – I *like* Boone’s Farm. I’m classy like that.
Along with any hair removal tool, it’s probably not a good idea to buy someone one of those Ped-Egg things that smooths off rough foot skin by shaving it down into a powder which resembles cheap, powdered parmesean cheese.
Not that I’d KNOW, or anything.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
I am so adding that to my list. I know someone that would be perfect for. I will just give it to them as they’re headed out the door. I don’t want them shaving their nasty feet in my living room.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I have two Ped Eggs.
My feet are THAT bad.
Twitter Name: julie gardner
Well, well. I do believe I have received all on your list except the yard art, pennies and peeing boy.
I must rectify that this year. I’ll let all my great aunts know.
Twitter Name: ASassyRedhead
I want to know who gave you Boudoir photo of me. I mean there are a lot in circulation. But, still.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
So, I AVOID getting any of those things to take to the White Elephant. I buy a nice gift, like a good quality cast iron skillet (many in my family are fishermen or like to hunt and those are a hot commodity among them apparently) because you can get a good one for $15 if you look really hard. Or, I get a nice bottle of wine or a cool board game or something like that. What happens? I end up with one of the things on your list.
Oh, and candy. Please do not get adult women candy. We EAT it.
I have to say I have always been really lucky in white elephant exchanges. I bring crap and end up with the movie tickets, Starbucks card, or the bottle of wine.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I am seriously in the wrong family if you guys are handing each other $50 gift cards. I’m springing for a $20 spot to amazon for my bro-in-law this year and he’ll probably shit himself. Wait, maybe this is an okay thing…
hahahahaha…seriously laughing out loud at 2am
Twitter Name: Izzymom
A subscription to your blog.
Twitter Name: Twinisms
OMG I had an Epilady and it was horrific. I could have sat around and PLUCKED my hairs out one by one and been less miserable.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
That is why I’m complaining. I don’t want to hand out the $50.00. I’d much rather keep it. Can you please photograph the shitting? Of course you will.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Got my comments off thread. I’m blaming the Nyquil Martinis.
Reference the Epilady, yes it did hurt like hell! The kicker was you had to grow your hair out for two weeks first too. I can’t believe they still make it.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
It’s no longer the nasty coil thing. Now it has rotating discs that separate and come together to trap and yank out the hairs. Not too bad. My sister was so impressed with my hairless-looking legs that she asked for one for Christmas. I like it because it takes so long for my hairs to grow back! I can go weeks! Yes, the hairs that are there will be crazy long. But 1 or 2 per square inch of skin is WAY less freaky looking than the Sasquach-legs I was sporting before I discovered the Epilady Discrette! :)
Twitter Name: bitingmyhand
The ugly ass pajamas.
ALWAYS, EVERY YEAR: the ugly ass pajamas.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
and the matching pastel robe. Uh huh.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Your whiskey switcheroo…right down to the last detail.
I wonder if you’ve tried that before?
That was all Craig and yes, it was wildly successful.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Yes!! You missed the Chia Pet!
And I failed…. I got my kids Snuggies this year. But in my defense they did ask for them! So that’s ok right?
I can’t believe I missed that Chia Pet. That is a holiday classic. I haven’t been watching enough television!
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
You forgot the vacuum packed sausage gift set. Sometimes it has cheese, sometimes it has sauce, but it’s always got non-refrigerated meat.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
What the hell IS that? Yuck. I could just recycle the same package every year because I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone actually eat it.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I swear on both my Ped Eggs that my mother and father-in-law gave me KY Jelly in my Christmas stocking three years ago.
It was the “Tingling Massage Oil” variety.
I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that they gave it to me or the fact that we used it all…
Don’t answer.
Twitter Name: julie gardner
Only weird if you told her.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
To this day, we have not spoken of what is now known as “The Christmas Incident of 2008.”
Perhaps I should have told you that they gave the same KY to their daughter. So not only were they offering to spice up their son’s life, but also giving the go-ahead to their son-in-law to get tingly with their girl.
Now that’s Christmas spirit. Or something.
Twitter Name: julie gardner
We have a “Clapper” that’s been circulating around the family gift giving for years now. The plastic is still on the box.
I remember actually wanting one of those! Never did see that bad boy in action. I think if I got one of those I’d actually unwrap it out of curiosity!
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I had an epilady. It was craptastic. And painful. But I miss the hell out of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
Twitter Name: msmegan
The Epilady might be a good party trick AFTER the Strawberry Hill. That was my favorite too though. I actually stained the floor to my bedroom carpet after throwing that up.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
My sister’s church group is having a gift card exchange. I suggested they save time and just have everyone pass $10 to the left. They were not amused.
Twitter Name: TamingInsanity
EXACTLY! That is my whole point.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Had an epilady….torture is not as painful. I think the gift of the damned old fruit bread should be banned forever!!! Love your blog!!
Thanks Jo-Anne. I was at Costco yesterday and was shocked to see that fruitcake cost $15.00. I didn’t really think there was actually a market for fruitcake. Gross.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Great choices! A little something for everyone on my list!
Twitter Name: Eva Gallant
Don’t be tempted to keep a bottle of the Boone’s Farm for yourself. That stuff is nasty.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Those are hilarious! When I was a kid, the extended family always brought gifts, put them in the middle of the room and then drew numbers as to who got to pick what first! Almost every gift was some kind of alcohol! Not white trash….nope, it was necessity to get through the family Christmas. THe adults even let the teens have an alcoholic drink or two. Awesome!
Twitter Name: survivingmomdom
One year I got from my loving husband, a bread-maker, and from my son, a yogurt maker. REALLY? Well, I do love to cook, I even blog about it, but REALLY? How about a nice Japanese handcrafted very sharp stamped knife…that way it will hurt a whole lot less, when I cut your balls off. Don’t even think mixer…
I have a friend who is obsessed with her epilady. I don’t get it!
Twitter Name: amorninggrouch
Hey ForS! Long time no see. Sorry about that. My family does the Yankee swap thing. It’s a lot more fun. And competitive. I know you like competitive. As a fine example of the family gift swap horrible gift exchange, I once got 20 scratch tickets and a set of rubber balls. Yes, those kind of balls. Charming, right? There’s always the Chia pet if you can’t bring yourself to buy a fine set of rubber balls.
um, I personally like my MIL’s hand-me-downs. Things she just doesn’t want anymore. It’s like recycling.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Crap – each and every one. Especially the Epilady! I got some crap this Christmas (more candles and lotion I’ll never use) but thankfully nothing form this list.
Twitter Name: letters4lucas