Whenever I see a young couple armed with a scanner gleefully assaulting items they think they need for a happily ever after, I snicker a little inside. Actually, I want to wrestle them to the ground and commandeer their registry just as much as I want the Duggars to name their next kid Jasectomy.
Registries are actually less ridiculous now than when I registered for a 16 piece setting of both fine and every day china, formal stemware, and ridiculously expensive flatware in the mid 90’s. I excuse my behavior because I was like 12 when I got married the first time around, and high end department stores were the only registry game in town.
With all of the options given to couples, it can be completely overwhelming for those of us who usually buy our gifts on the way to the bridal shower or ceremony. Printing 35 pages out at a kiosk is not only time consuming, it makes the bride and groom look like complete assholes.
Thankfully I have devised a guide for engaged couple to navigate the registry process. Feel free to pass it along.
WEDDING REGISTRY BOOT CAMP
(so your friends and family won’t hate you)
Control the Scanner
I know the scanner feels good in your hands, but you don’t need to scan everything just because it’s there. You really will never use a soup tureen. If you do use the turkey baster, that is between you and your partner. Ladies, if your fiance is trying to talk you into registering for video games, take that as a big fucking clue.
Don’t Register for Shit I can’t Afford
You know best if your guest list is more Jersey Shore or Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but don’t forget to include a few moderate items. If I have to buy a $100.00 pillow case because it’s the cheapest item on your registry, my resentment might sound like situational Tourettes when you walk down the aisle. There is no telling what farm animal noise I might make at you.
When in doubt, keep it simple. My baby registry of condoms and coffee is a good example. In fact, throw condoms on your wedding registry. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life or put you on a reproduction schedule unless of course you are a Duggar.
Though I do encourage you to spend a few years with your spouse before sidelong glances are only exchanged when you’re both ankle deep in familial feces due to your 4 year old flushing a Yo-Yo down the toilet. At which point, you’ll both regret registering for a jelly roll pan instead of a goddamn plunger.