Wedding Registry Boot Camp

Whenever I see a young couple armed with a scanner gleefully assaulting items they think they need for a happily ever after, I snicker a little inside. Actually, I want to wrestle them to the ground and commandeer their registry just as much as I want the Duggars to name their next kid Jasectomy.

Registries are actually less ridiculous now than when I registered for a 16 piece setting of both fine and every day china, formal stemware, and ridiculously expensive flatware in the mid 90’s. I excuse my behavior because I was like 12 when I got married the first time around, and high end department stores were the only registry game in town.

With all of the options given to couples, it can be completely overwhelming for those of us who usually buy our gifts on the way to the bridal shower or ceremony. Printing 35 pages out at a kiosk is not only time consuming, it makes the bride and groom look like complete assholes.

Thankfully I have devised a guide for engaged couple to navigate the registry process.  Feel free to pass it along.

WEDDING REGISTRY BOOT CAMP

(so your friends and family won’t hate you)

Control the Scanner

I know the scanner feels good in your hands, but you don’t need to scan everything just because it’s there. You really will never use a soup tureen. If you do use the turkey baster, that is between you and your partner. Ladies, if your fiance is trying to talk you into registering for video games, take that as a big fucking clue.

Don’t Register for Shit I can’t Afford

You know best if your guest list is more Jersey Shore or Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but don’t forget to include a few moderate items. If I have to buy a $100.00 pillow case because it’s the cheapest item on your registry, my resentment might sound like situational Tourettes when you walk down the aisle. There is no telling what farm animal noise I might make at you.

KISS

When in doubt, keep it simple. My baby registry of condoms and coffee is a good example. In fact, throw condoms on your wedding registry. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life or put you on a reproduction schedule unless of course you are a Duggar.

Though I do encourage you to spend a few years with your spouse before sidelong glances are only exchanged when you’re both ankle deep in familial feces due to your 4 year old flushing a Yo-Yo down the toilet. At which point, you’ll both regret registering for a jelly roll pan instead of a goddamn plunger.

Any questions?

Photo Credit

Comments

  1. Carrie says:

    Brilliant!

    Especially “Don’t Register for Shit I can’t Afford.”

    Can’t tell you how it pisses me off to see a registry and the cheapest thing on it is $49. Cause who wants to be the one who bought the cheapest thing on the registry? Right?

    Then of course, there are those with the $99 knife. Just one knife.

    And neither of them cook.

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  2. Mindfulmoon says:

    My advice? Register at Target. Yes, Target. You would be really surprised to find out what stores have wedding registries now. Home Depot, probably Lowes, and places like that. You can register for baby showers and birthdays as well. Go figure.

  3. It’s too bad you can’t register like five years after you get married when you know what you know what you really need.

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  4. Jennifer says:

    I like to buy an ironing board, iron, laundry basket, and detergent. Stuff you need, but don’t think about.

  5. My sister’s first husband grabbed the scanner thingy out of her hand while they were registering at Target and scanned a box of Twinkies. (Because “He was hungry”). At their joint bridal shower every single one of us brought him a box of Twinkies.
    Did I mention he was her first (read practice) husband?

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  6. HeatherS says:

    “Actually, I want to wrestle them to the ground and commandeer their registry just as much as I want the Duggars to name their next kid Jasectomy.”
    This whole post was quite intelligent but I will be quoting THIS for days!!! LOVE IT!

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  7. Bridget says:

    Am I allowed to register for a $50 plunger?

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  8. Al_Pal says:

    I think I did a good job. Largely because I’m 34 and have been living the reality of my household and kitchen for many years already! ;p
    (Registered for 12 settings of ‘fine’ [but not too pricey], and 8 of ‘everyday’, with the latter in many separate items, so that there were plenty of 8-15$ items!)

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  9. Kristin says:

    My husband also commandeered the scanner, and registered us for a five pound bag of potatoes and an extra small jock strap. (He didn’t realize what size he was registering for, he thought it would be funny) I left both on the registry and got both at my shower. I still to this day get a five pound bag of potatoes from my Grandmother for Christmas every year, that along with a jar of pickles because Grandma knows I like them.

  10. I wish someone would’ve told me all this before I registered for china and silver and shit. That is still sitting around unused. “Someday,” I keep promising myself.

    Whatever.

    ;-)

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  11. Klz says:

    I still don’t even know what a jelly roll pan is. Further proof if you come eat at my house, you’ll be served velveeta.

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  12. Tonya says:

    My first time around I/we registered for China because that’s what I thought you did when you got married. So stupid!

    Three years later we were headed to divorce court and every last piece was still in boxes. Thankfully, I have wonderful taste and chose a design that was timeless, so we returned it and got store credit. It was awesome!!

    The second time around all I/we registered for was sheets and towels, because really that’s all you need. :)

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  13. MamaKaren says:

    When I got married, each of us had dishes and cookware and appliances already- we’d been in our own apartments for a couple years. What I really want is an anniversary registry- 10 or 15 years in, someone else could have bought me my replacement coffeemaker and new linens to replace the ones that were getting threadbare.

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  14. sparkling74 says:

    I am all over the place with my thoughts on registries. Never having created a regsitry, I can’t know the disappointment when nothing on the registry is bought. I don’t know about the hours of time spent creating the registry. I do know that sometimes, I use the registry as a guide for what the bride wants (cuz we know the groom has no choices here) but then I find it cheaper somewhere else. that is a no no, I know, but I can’t help it. I’m thrifty. I usually make a quilt for a wedding, depending on how well I know them, so I like to look at a registry for ideas of colors. But then, sometimes, they have nothing to do with the real colors the bride likes. I also think it’s insane to put a whole silverware selection on there and then only get 4 forks and a knife. Then you can get the rest for only x number of dollars to complete your set. But that sucks, doesn’t it? I dunno.

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  1. creative way to make money…

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