I have a little secret, Aiming Low-ers. Something so shocking; so deplorable; so unbelievable that you, yourselves may fall off your chair in horror. Brace yourselves.
I love Martha Stewart.
I know. I KNOW. How could I, Queen of Cooking is Bullshit and Crafts are for Sissies love someone who has built an entire empire around those things?
Simply put, I think it’s her voice. She has that gravely, East Coast thing that makes me want to sit at her feet and allow her to order me around like a small dog. I’d do most anything for Martha Stewart.
However, that bitch LIES to me. Let me count the ways.
1) Making a tasteful window dressing out of leftover fabric scraps takes more than scraps – it takes TALENT.
2) No meal made in under thirty minutes can taste good unless it comes from a box.
3) Every mother spends three solid days making cookies and candy, by hand, every year around Christmas time. Unless she’s a TERRIBLE MOTHER.
4) “Add a little glitter for some extra fanciness,” translates to “glitter is bullshit.”
5) When knitting a tea cozy, it’s not best to use a middle-weight yarn, it’s actually best to be 95 and half-senile.
6) “All you need is the rare, Peruvian jumping bean,” means, “if you don’t have access to this rare ingredient, you’re clearly a novice who should go back to working at Michaels, dreaming of becoming a crafting goddess.”
7) If you’re a competent woman, making alabaster marble from sheep hair should be easy.
8) If you’d like to make centerpieces for your dining room table, to show that you’re a caring mother and wife who puts thought and love into every meal, you can never, ever shave 45 minutes off the job by going to Pier 1.
9) When selecting background music for your classy dinner party, she fails to point out that “You’re Having My Baby,” “If You Think I’m Sexy,” “The Monster Mash,” and “Backstreet’s Back” are all perennial favorites and beloved by the nation.
10) When choosing wines to accompany your meal, remember that whites go with chicken and pork, reds go with beef and venison, and boxed Franzia goes with EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME.
About Aunt Becky
Martha has led me astray SO MANY TIMES! Nothing I ever do looks like the pictures in her magazines and yet I keep trying.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
I do too. I even get her awesome magazine. Which? Never looks like anything I can ever make. Ever.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Dude. I think you just called me a bad cook. ;)
Twitter Name: Diana Prichard
No, mah friend, you are an amazing cook. Wanna come cook for me ;)?
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Let’s also not forget that in order to have “fabric scraps” that means you would have made (or tried to make) at least one thing previously.
Twitter Name: cannibal_nerd
Oh. Right. Fuck. That explains a lot.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Is that your cupcake in the pic, lol? Nice.
I’m always amazed at the endless crafts she has up her sleeve. Literally, she probably made a special hidden sleeve to keep craft ideas in. –Not to mention she has a team of people coming up with craft ideas as a full time job.
Twitter Name: tulsaartspot
What can I say? I’m Martha Stewart Jr. Or, perhaps, not.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
If I had 900 minions, I could turn a sheep’s ass into glittered porcelain as well. And have a bedazzled vagina.
Twitter Name: amyblam
If you made a bedazzled vagina, you’d be my hero. FOREVER. In fact, you already are for suggesting it.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Last year I made Martha’s adorable and oh-so-easy snowman cupcakes for my son’s school HOLIDAY party. You stack 2 marshmallows on top of the cupcakes, weld them together with a little icing and they are supposed to just stand there. Making the faces was quite elaborate (poke eyeholes with toothpicks and insert chocolate sprinkles into the holes for eyes, same with orange sprinkle for a carrot-looking nose). Well, I completed the job, proudly took a pic and posted it on FB (with the caption “Look out Martha Stewart!”) before I went to bed. In the morning, all the snowmen were clearly committing suicide from the cupcakes. I had to jab them back in with like, 2 toothpicks each (and send a note to teacher to avoid 3rd grade choking incidents) and one of my FB friends had a highly alarmed post asking why I was sending penis cupcakes to my son’s school today?? A box of wine would have been awesome that day!! Or vodka. Can vodka come in a box? That would be so conveeeeenient.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
BWAHAHAHA.
I could HEAR her delicious voice lilting there.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Have you ever made her eggnog recipe, though? All kinds of heart-attack awesome.
O.M.G. Must have this! Where is it?
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Crafts are easy when you have shoppers to buy everything for you, helpers to do things for you, and researchers to find new creative things to do for you ….and butt loads of money to spend on the said crafts.
Crafts are bloody expensive. It’s bullshit.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Martha, Martha, Martha. I’m betting she’s not human. How could she be?
Twitter Name: msmegan
She’s totes not human. I vote for robot.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
They got *that right in Men In Black…
I say steal all her crap and lock her people in the closet and lets see how crafty she really is…
Crafts are bullshit. ;)
Twitter Name: RandomBlogette
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