10 Things I’m Secretly Thankful For But Won’t Say Out Loud

#5: The physical flaws of celebrities

There is no moment I dread more on Thanksgiving than the round-table sharing of what each person is thankful for. I dread this for two reasons: (1) if I open my mouth everyone will see that it is already full of stuffing and (2) I am thankful for a lot of superficial shit.

I mean, of course I’m thankful for my health (despite a diet consisting mostly of candy and wine, I have a slim waistline, low blood pressure, and most of my original teeth) and my loving family and many other blessings. But if pressed (especially after two or three glasses of the aforementioned wine), I would list one of these first:

  1. That reuniting with family is considered grounds for consuming massive amounts of booze before 5 pm.
  2. That salad has no place on the American Thanksgiving table.
  3. That marshmallows are a culturally accepted vegetable topping.
  4. That my husband does not feel compelled to watch–or play–football following a healthy dose of tryptophan and would rather drink scotch and watch a Modern Family marathon on Hulu with me.
  5. That Megan Fox has clubbed thumbs… and that Angelina Jolie seems kind of dumb in interviews. (I know the pretty lady hate stems from insecurity, but I don’t care. They are flawed and this validates me!)
  6. That America’s Next Top Model will never, ever end, not even when the photo challenge involves having contestants jump over a shark that is already jumping over another shark.
  7. That while Hollywood may have bastardized Footloose and Point Break, there does not yet exist a version of The Breakfast Club that stars Taylor Lautner. Because that shit is just. Not. Right.
  8. That I can write Tweets and Facebook messages about Occupy Wall Street but do not actually have to live in a shantytown with a drum circle and one Port a Potty.
  9. That my son will never remember anything from his first few months, like when I laugh at his farts or compare my spurting breastmilk to bukkake.
  10. That time has proven I don’t actually have to care about Google +.

What are your guilty secret thanks? Don’t be shy, we’re all drunk here.

About Una LaMarche

Una LaMarche blogs at The Sassy Curmudgeon, and writes for The New York Observer, The Huffington Post, and NickMom. She dominates at mini golf, especially after a few drinks, and it is a fact that Tim Gunn once complimented her on her sandals. You can find her hawking blog posts and fetishizing candy on Twitter, and if you really want to feed her ego (which took a major hit thanks to an adolescent unibrow and a penchant for Troll doll earrings), you can become her fan on Facebook.


  1. Rachee says:

    I love number 6 (as an avid ANTM viewer) and thanks for giving me an idea for a post.

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  2. Pamela Gold says:

    Dude, I’m thankful for that spray shampoo by Suave for the day I don’t wash my hair. I wash every other and yesterday? I skipped and used it and BAM! Looked clean. Feeling clean? Whole other story.

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  3. Megan says:

    We are of one mind, my dear. I am thankful for HD tv, because NOBODY looks as good as I thought they did.

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  4. Kenna Ray says:

    Thank God it’s not just me. That’s all I’m saying!

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  5. Issa says:

    I am thankful for my wide screen TV. Because it makes even the skinniest bitch look wider.

    I am thankful for “holiday candy” because they never specified which holiday it’s for. Heh.

    I am especially thankful that no one in my family gives a flying shit about Black Friday. So we can all spend our weekend laying around in PJ’s eating and watching movies. Like god intended. ;)

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  6. Oh, I’m so thankful my husband doesn’t watch football. It’ll be food then going to a special screening of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles at a movie theater.

    Which brings me to secretly being thankful that my husband and I decided to not visit family.

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  7. Carrie says:

    Don’t know much about Megan Fox, but completely agree about Angelina.

    Way dumb. And not sold on it just being during interviews.

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  8. Christina says:

    That reminds me. Every I usually go on about how I like to keep up the holiday spirit all year long. What I really mean is I like to keep up the holiday drinking all year long. LOL!

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  9. Rachel Scotland says:

    As a British person, I am secretly grateful we sent all the crazies to ‘Merica and so I only have one “holiday” to argue with my partner about whose family to spend it with.

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  4. metabolic diet…

    10 Things I’m Secretly Thankful For But Won’t Say Out Loud…

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