There is no moment I dread more on Thanksgiving than the round-table sharing of what each person is thankful for. I dread this for two reasons: (1) if I open my mouth everyone will see that it is already full of stuffing and (2) I am thankful for a lot of superficial shit.
I mean, of course I’m thankful for my health (despite a diet consisting mostly of candy and wine, I have a slim waistline, low blood pressure, and most of my original teeth) and my loving family and many other blessings. But if pressed (especially after two or three glasses of the aforementioned wine), I would list one of these first:
- That reuniting with family is considered grounds for consuming massive amounts of booze before 5 pm.
- That salad has no place on the American Thanksgiving table.
- That marshmallows are a culturally accepted vegetable topping.
- That my husband does not feel compelled to watch–or play–football following a healthy dose of tryptophan and would rather drink scotch and watch a Modern Family marathon on Hulu with me.
- That Megan Fox has clubbed thumbs… and that Angelina Jolie seems kind of dumb in interviews. (I know the pretty lady hate stems from insecurity, but I don’t care. They are flawed and this validates me!)
- That America’s Next Top Model will never, ever end, not even when the photo challenge involves having contestants jump over a shark that is already jumping over another shark.
- That while Hollywood may have bastardized Footloose and Point Break, there does not yet exist a version of The Breakfast Club that stars Taylor Lautner. Because that shit is just. Not. Right.
- That I can write Tweets and Facebook messages about Occupy Wall Street but do not actually have to live in a shantytown with a drum circle and one Port a Potty.
- That my son will never remember anything from his first few months, like when I laugh at his farts or compare my spurting breastmilk to bukkake.
- That time has proven I don’t actually have to care about Google +.
What are your guilty secret thanks? Don’t be shy, we’re all drunk here.