When I was 24, I took my girlfriend, Luisa, to meet my mom for the first time. Luisa wasn’t the first girlfriend I’d brought home but my mom still wasn’t happy about the “girl” part. Despite that, Luisa and I drove the 7 hours from Minneapolis to Kansas City and, right before we arrived, I explained to her that my mom still wasn’t comfortable with the gay thing and was generally a judgemental pain in the ass. Rule #1 : Be prepared. Luisa nodded and assured me that she was prepared for the tension.
The first night went really well…most likely because it was very late when we arrived and we went straight to bed. Rule #2: Make sure you’re well-rested. You’ll be better able to deal with The Crazy.
The next morning, we had coffee and chatted with my parents about our plans for the day. Everyone was cheerful and relaxed! Everything was going so well! So, I excused myself and went to take a shower. Afterwards, I walked into the living room to hear Luisa’s voice, slightly raised and obviously frustrated, saying “No, that’s not what I said.” My mother was sitting with her arms crossed and her lips pursed. My stepfather was absolutely silent. Luisa went on, “I said that it is very difficult to come to this country, find a way to support yourself and learn the language. It takes time and hard work and immigrants should be respected for their efforts.”
Oh. God. No.
My mother had brought up “foreigners” and their heavy accents and reluctance to learn English. Luisa is an immigrant. Her mother is an immigrant with a heavy accent. Rule #3: Stay away from politics and religion. I obey this rule above all others, however, if you can’t abide by it then you must accept Rule #4: Go big and be prepared to go home.
I had only been out of the room for 20 minutes and everything had gone to hell. I interrupted and did the verbal equivalent of juggling multi-colored balls while riding a unicycle and everyone scattered to get ready for the day.
Later, we met up with my sister for lunch and she immediately noticed the tension. Rule #5: Read the room.
She pulled us aside, “What happened?!”
“Luisa disagreed with mom.”
My sister’s eyes got wide, “NO. Oh Luisa…we never disagree with mom.”
Luisa said, “But she was saying horrible things about immigrants and – ”
My sister and I interruped and said at the same time, “Always defer to mom.”
And that’s when I learned the most important rule of all. Rule #6: Identify the unspoken rules. If you’re going to bring someone into a mine field, you should at least describe what the mines might look like.
About Vikki
I’m working on a set of trading cards dedicated to the disapproving moms I’ve encountered in my dating adventures. Your mom could be the Babe Ruth of the deck! Dang!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Yes, she was a piece of work. So many more stories to tell.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
I have sent this to my mother. I know her response already: “I’m not like that!” and my response: “I know mom; weird, right?”
Twitter Name: ethanethan
I’m sure my mom would have said the same thing.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
I always enjoy reading stories about your mom. In this one, I really feel for Louisa. I’m glad she stood up for herself, even if it did cause all that tension. In all I’ve read snout your mom, I’m always struck at how kindly you handled her. She was very lucky to have you for her daughter.
Luisa learned to handle her too :)
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
Hey, rules are rules. On what else can we base civilized behaviour? But, I must ask, where is the rest of the article? I can’t believe that the encounter was so brief! There must have been an entire weekend of tension! Spill it, sister!
I’ve blocked out the rest of the weekend. I could tell you about our baby shower sometime though…ha ha…
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
I hope Luisa has shaken things up in your mom’s house as far as airing out the unspoken rules and continuing to speak up for “foreigners”! (-:
Great post – I always love it when people point out elephants in living rooms. (-:
Luisa is not one to bite her tongue but she learned to gnaw on it a little and she learned how to confront my mother.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
I wager that was just the beginning of Luisa earning your mother’s respect … and yes, your mother sounds like a book unto herself. Love how you write about this relationship.
I love Rule #4 and practice it often when it comes to my own mother!
Twitter Name: ellemmes
I have so much sympathy with the bringing foreign girlfriends home to meet not-totally-cool-with-the-gay relatives! We were cautioned not to do anything to upset my (homophobic, right wing) uncle… With complete honesty and a total lack of unspoken rule comprehension, my girlfriend marched right up to him, stuck out her hand and said, “Hi, I’m Anjelica, Kali’s new girlfriend!” It was nearly worth it just to see my aunt nearly swallow her own tongue :)