It started when I, sleep deprived because of a 10 month-old baby, went on a massive TLC binge. Because, obviously, the sensible thing to do when you spend all your waking (and sleeping) time with an infant is to wile away nap minutes watching episodes of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”
Sleep deprivation made my brain operate at half-capacity and left it ripe for an invasion of OMG-I-think-I’m-pregnant anxiety. The prospect of another baby terrified me; one more little being keeping me up all night would spell doom and destruction. Plus, I had just started drinking beer again. And I really, really, really wanted to keep drinking beer.
The doom spiral went something like this: “OMG was that a cramp? I have cramps. Eff. I must be pregnant. But, I haven’t had to pee for the last two hours, so probably not pregnant. Why am I looking at newborn hats on Etsy? Why am I baking a cake, and nom nom nom, OMG I ate the whole thing. I AM TOTALLY KNOCKED UP. But I still haven’t had to pee. Therefore, not pregnant? But massively bloated…holy hell, I think I’m showing…so…baby?!”
Like a kid afraid to look in the closet to confirm or deny the existence of monsters, I went full ostrich. “I’m not pregnant!” I told myself while I continued to obsess over a potentially undiagnosed baby, for, like, weeks.
After the cake incident, I felt what could only be described as a baby kick. I panicked: “Holy Mother of Gawd, I CANNOT be pregnant and have a 10 month old who refuses to sleep. I CANNOT! This is the worst thing in the world. Horror show. Eff. Eff. Ballz. Eff.”
Basically, I was full-on hysterical and totally sure that I was knocked up. Like REALLY knocked up. The more I focused, the more I felt movement in my belly. So, I decided that I’d better give myself and abdominal exam to verify whole baby-in-my0-tummy thing.
The results were conclusive: there definitely was a kid in there, and I could definitely feel it move.
Please keep in mind that I have no medical training to speak of.
The obvious next step was to buy a million pregnancy tests, take them over the course of three days, be momentarily relieved at their negative status, and then plunge into despair, convinced that I was pregnant and that the tests, all 18 of them, were wrong and how can you get an accurate reading anyway when you are so far along with an undiscovered pregnancyomgzzzzooorrrggg no beer and no sleep and THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER.
Finally, when I couldn’t take the anguish of not knowing any longer, I called for an emergency, same day doctor’s appointment. To “discuss birth control options”. A total emergency. Mmmmmmhhhhhhhhmmmmmm.
Tests were done. Ultrasounds performed. I was really, really, really not pregnant.
But what about the exhaustion? The pregnancy belly? The abdominal movement?
Simple. I was tired because I wasn’t sleeping thanks to my existing kid. Pregnancy belly was extreme bloating (see cake extravaganza and beer).
Abdominal movement? Right. Those were farts. That’s right, people. Farts. I had a three-week long panic attack because I was pregnant with farts.
The moral of this story is obviously that you should eat less cake and more fiber.
About the Writer:
Erica is a mother, blogger, freelancer, and nomad currently based in Japan. As a Canadian married to a Swiss, with a daughter who was born in Japan and two Chinese cats, she believes firmly that the key to familial harmony is ensuring that every family member is born in a different country. You can find Erica at her interwebular home, Expatria Baby or on Twitter at @Expatria_Baby.
About Guest Writer
I can’t even watch that show. Other than shower curtains, slugs and electromagnetic pulses, not knowing I am pregnant and spontaneously giving birth in, say Target, is my biggest fear.
Twitter Name: amyblam
Truth. Though I guess delivering a surprise baby in Target would be a shade better than doing the same in Walmart, no?
Same thing happened to me, except my sleepless baby was actually 11 months at the time, and I was actually pregnant. I am so totally jealous of your cake baby.
(It’s 4-1/2 years later, we made it, and my non-cake baby turned out to be exactly what we needed.)
Twitter Name: prettybabes
Oh my goodness, Amy, I don’t know what to say to that, except that you are my hero because the thought of a second baby, and a second year of sleeplessness STILL scares me more than vampires.
Baby #2 was an AMAZING sleeper from birth, which was nice because it reassured me that I hadn’t somehow caused #1 to be a horrible sleeper.
At 6-1/2, #1 is still a horrible sleeper. #2 is 4 and is still awesome. #3 is 11 months and somewhere in between. :)
Twitter Name: prettybabes
Oh, I love the guest posts on Aiming Low.
I’ve never been disappointed..this was hilarious.
Wish I could hear you tell it in real life.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Thanks, Alexandra. Although, truth be told, I probably wouldn’t divulge something so embracing in real life. I like to save that kind of thing for the strangers of the internetz.
You could be in your own show “I Tried Really Really Hard to Know I was Pregnant (But Wasn’t).” The fart baby would be the ultimate plot twist.
Twitter Name: cannibal_nerd
YES! Someone should probably hire me to write for TLC.
That’s why I don’t have cable!
Very funny.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
This is hilarious!!! It’s amazing what sleep deprivation can do to one’s mind
Erica, this is too funny — I did the same thing! I only took two tests, but probably had same amount of mental anguish. My baby was only 6 months, though, and when I told my husband I was feeling knocked up, and he said it would be kind of nice to have two so close in age. Seriously — nice?!
When I read this, I was in completely shock because my eyes read “10-week-old” instead of “10-month-old.” I was thinking, damn, she got busy fast. :)
Even with a 10-month-old, I am right there with you, I would have been freaking out.
What a funny story. I have to avoid shows like that because I totally think I have whatever ailment/predicament is detailed in the latest episode.
Never been preggers with farts, but I imagine it would be a gas.
Badaboom!
Twitter Name: fragrantliar
how i loved this post! glad it was only farts :) amazing what too much TLC can do to the brain……
Twitter Name: imprintbyeileen
You just made me cry tears of joy and hliarity. Thank you!
Ah, hormones. They’re worse than illegal drugs for making you crazy and yet they’re still perfectly legal. :)
Twitter Name: msmegan
The exact same thing happened to me! Except I WAS pregnant. Yep, that happens, too. (Loved “Pregnant With Farts”–now there’s a reality show title if ever I heard one.)
Same thing happened to me when my son was 5 months old (I swear I felt kicking)… and yep, I was pregnant! Due any day now, and scared out of my mind! My son is only 13 months old! (Ok, so the kicking I felt occurred when I was about 2 weeks pregnant, but still… foreshadowing?)
Oh my goodness, Amy….good luck? Eep.
lol, brilliant (as always! :) ) Man, I worry the same thing too sometimes, and I don’t think it’s possible yet.
Oh man, I went through 7 tests in one week when my son was 8 months old. Turns out pregnancy symptoms are a helluva lot like period symptoms, which I completely forgot about after a year and a half. I’d never in my life been so happy to go and buy tampons.
Hooray for tamps and signifying the non-existence of pregnancy.
I’ve had those farts and they scare the ever loving crap out of me.
Twitter Name: DExtraordinaire
I wonder if there’s something about 9-10 months of sleep deprivation? 10 months after Elanor was born we were in Edinburgh for one of R’s conferences. I was walking around, and suddenly felt nauseous at the fumes from the whiskey distillery. I went back to the hotel room to lay down, and threw up.
Note–My pregnancies are DEFINED by puking. Ceaseless, lose 20 lbs while pregnant puking.
I rarely throw up when not pregnant…like maybe once in 3 or 4 years as an adult.
OMG–MUST BE PREGNANT. NO CONCEIVABLE EXPLANATION OTHER THAN PREGNANCY!!! MUST RUN TO PHARMACY!!!
I buy a pregnancy test.
I go back to the hotel.
The pregnancy test is literally defective.
I go back to get another test and OMGWTF THE PHARMACY IS CLOSED FOR THE NIGHT
Cue me flipping my shit for 16 hours until the next morning when I go in and break down crying when telling the manager that my pregnancy test was defective and I need another one and I ALREADY HAVE A BABY
I wasn’t pregnant.
Been there, done that. Embarrassed to admit it.