I'd hang with this guy any day of the week. Nay, EVERY day of the week.
Not a hardcore redneck, mind you (hardcore rednecks don’t say things like mind you), but red enough to get the job done. And there’s nothing I enjoy more than talking with hard core rednecks. They’re in touch with who they are, they’re loyal and, perhaps most notably, they’re funny.
So when this southern boy spent nearly a decade in politically correct Seattle, you can imagine how redneck-deprived I was. When I returned from the great Northwest, I had a fonder appreciation than ever before for the common redneck and while the reasons ranged from their attire to Dale Earnhardt, the biggest one had to be the words I’d hear coming out of their mouths, aka “redneckisms.”
And here are ten of my favorites.
1. I ain’t as think as you drunk I am. You may have seen this on a truck-stop t-shirt. But I actually heard it live during the fall race at Bristol a few years back.
2. She’s as cute as a speckled pup under a red wagon. Think softer, gentler redneck. Like your grandmotherly type at Cracker Barrell who offers up lovely words about your toddler daughter. Charming, really.
3. It’s hotter’n dammit. And, indeed, it often is hot in the southeast. And what, I ask you, could possibly hotter than dammit? Exactly. Nothing. Which is what makes this such an effective metaphor. simile. redneckism.
4. I’m as busy as a one-legged butt kicker in an ass kicking contest. Indeed, you are, Mr. Redneck. So please allow me to get out of your way. Lest your foot meets my ass.
5. I’m gettin’ tore up from the floor up. Maybe. But you’re still not as think I drunk you are.
6. I heard that. Heard what? It doesn’t matter. Except that whatever was heard was something which the redneck thought was cool. Like getting tore up from the floor up, perhaps.
7. Shit fire, save matches. What’s important here is not just the green element of the conservation slogan, but also the pronunciation of it. Fire is “far,” and matches should be drawn out as if it ends with a “z” like Natchez.
8. Hey, man, watch this. Most always followed by a dangerous and ill-advised stunt, usually involving combustables, such as shitting fire, perhaps. Sadly, these have been the last words of some rednecks.
9. Wanna ICB? Leave it to a redneck to come up with the acronym for ice-cold beer. One you might wanna drink on a day that’s hotter’n dammit.
10. Worthless as tits on a boar hog. Yes. Well.
Any other rednecks out there who can think of some I missed?
Image: jasepielli
About John Cave Osborne
I am almost ashamed to admit to how many of those redneck-isms I speak regularly.
Almost.
But not quite.
Twitter Name: Tanis Miller
why in the world would you be “almost ashamed” of that? i’d be damn proud. (which i know you truly are…)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Ditto. Here are a few other gems that are regularly uttered in my family:
“It’s colder than a witch’s titty in a brass bra.”
“Jeet yet?” (read: “Did you eat yet?”)
“I might could.” or “I used to could.” (read: “That might be possible.” and “I used to be able to.”}
It’s “Boar Hog” – not “Bore Hog” – unless of course, bored hogs don’t need tits either.
Twitter Name: lceel
thanks. made the change. appreciate the edit!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I recognize none of these but loves all of ‘em.
My little boy once confessed, “mom? wouldn’t it be fun to live in a place where you can say gettin’ and y’all?”
Yes, it would be so….colorful.
Great post.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
well, i live in TN, though i’ve also lived in LA, Seattle, Atl, etc… and i must say, i prefer the SE to any place in the world. tell your son that he’s missing one key word that’d be fun to say, though…fixin’.
thanks for the comment!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I’m hardly a redneck (although Florida is home to many) but I do say things like “y’all” and “fixin’ to” and when I get angry, I sometimes sound like I was raised in the deep south. I have NO IDEA WHY!!! It’s not like I grew up with people speaking that way around me or that I currently live among rednecks…
Twitter Name: Izzymom
i’m w/ you 100%. FL is not a southern state. that said, i LOVE your southernisms, and i must remember to try to get you mad the next time our paths cross, as i’d love to hear your drawl…
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I’m a proud redneck. And although I know most people like to describe this culture in terms of only negative stereotypes, the truth is that there is compassion, courage, openness to all that is different, love, goodness, strength of character, and selflessness.
And yes, humor and creativity. Great creativity. Not only in the “Christmas lights in June” variety, but in “putting together a working wind turbine out of car parts and duct tape” kind.
And as a lover of language, redneck lingo is a treasure trove that Mark Twain would slurp down like honey.
i, too, am proud. i hope that came through. i LOVE southern culture and have lived in enough different locales to appreciate how fortunate we are to live in such a colorful area of the country. i, too, love language, particularly using it creatively and could not agree more with your entire comment, particularly the Mark Twain part. thank you so much for sharing that!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
It came through. Thank you! :-)
Actually, I’m probably more of a “yonko hillbilly” than a redneck. But both cultures are maligned in the same way with only negative stereotypes placed in the forefront, and the words are now used as derogatory slang by bigots, so I claim solidarity. :-)
Hotter than two mice #@!#ing in a wool sock.
Don’t even ask me what it means.
i guess two mice knocking boots(?) in a wool sock could get a touch steamy. great stuff!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I come from N.C. farm folk, so I’m quite proud of my redneck heritage. “Y’all” is awesome and inclusive and I use it all the time.
Twitter Name: cannibal_nerd
Carrie — y’all is SUCH an awesome word. ever notice some people spell it ya’ll? what up w/ that? it’s YOU ALL, so the apostraphe goes after the “Y” to take place of the “OU.” never understood how people confuse that.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Yeah, clearly it’s spelled “y’all.” It bothers me when it’s used singularly, too. Sandy on Spongebob Squarepants does that all the time. I don’t know if it’s a Texas thing (where Sandy is from), or if it’s just a cartoon squirrel thing.
Twitter Name: cannibal_nerd
We totally use y’all as a singular. And it drives me INSANE when someone spells it wrong.
True story! Sheesh, people, learn proper grammar.
Sweatin’ like a whore in church trying not to laugh too loud at my desk.
(Not sure if that counts–I live in a place that can’t decide if it’s Southern. Even had trouble picking teams for the Civil War.)
Twitter Name: julieinthelou
it definitely counts! love it! always a good day when i hear from Julie in the Lou, y’all…(hope you had a great Thanksgiving…)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I lived in rural North Carolina for several years and the one that always made me laugh was “so good, it’ll make you want to slap your mama.”
I never got the connection.
wow. i’ve heard that one once or twice myself, and i gotta say, it’s a BEAUTY. almost better that we don’t fully understand it, don’t you think?
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
My brother in law offered this one up: “Slicker than owl sh** on a frosted limb”. I guess that means quite slippery?
tell your BIL that the frosted limb is an especially nice touch. i’ve heard “slicker’n greased owl shit” before, but who, in their right mind, would greast owl shit? owl shit on a frosted limb, however? now THAT makes sense…
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
My grandma says “Shoot a monkey,” when she’s trying not to cuss. I always loved that one. Also, “Helena, Montana!” She tries really hard not to cuss. :)
Twitter Name: ladyjess78
your grandma sounds like a sweetheart. i love Helena, Montana.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
My favorite came from my ex’s dad. We’re watching a University of Kentucky basketball player miss free-throws, and he says “that boy couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle.” Um, say what?
Some more Leroy-isms (yes, his name is Leroy. He’s a redneck. Why wouldn’t his name be Leroy?):
“Don’t just sit there with your teeth in your mouth. Git up and help me!”
“That girl’s pants is so tight it looks like she tried to cram ten poundsa shit into a five-pound bag.”
“That girl’s ass wobblin’ under that skirt looks like two groundhogs fightin’ to git out of a burlap sack.”
I love the word y’all. I also use it in the plural: all y’all.
that’s so funny. in reference to poor drivers, i’ve heard “why she couldn’t drive a peg in a billy goats ass with a bass fiddle,” and i almost busted that one out, but i used it in a recent post that was, um, critical of my wife’s driving, so i left well enough alone. also, i’ve heard (pertaining to large breasts) “they look like two puppies fighting under a quilt,” but i’m pretty sure that’s from a Cheech and Chong movie. loved your Leroy-isms. funny stuff! thanks for the comment.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Okay, I laughed through this whole post. Nice.
thanks, Dusty!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
My favorite was one I overheard long ago in Alabama, when a guy’s mom asked him, “Carl Wayne, what’s goin’ on down thar at Willene’s? Why there’s enough cars down thar for an all night singin’.
And the one my mother used to say when the weather turned as it cold as it has today (42 degrees for any Northerners reading): It’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra. Betcha never heard that one!
Actually, raised in Northern Cali, I heard that one “colder than a witches’….” fairly often…:) And I know there were few Southern folks around back then. Somehow it made the leap!
actually… i have heard the witch’s tit in a brass bra and i’m an IDIOT for not including it on this list. i shoulda consulted w/ you! (but i’ve never heard “for an all night singin’.” that’s classic…)
been thinking about you guys. not sure i know the latest medical devlopments, but i hope you, B and your entire family are well! xoxo
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Ahh, having grown up in the depths of Appalachia, I can say I have heard every. single. one. of those sayings throughout my life. Raised on the Ohio River in Ohio, folks (there I go..) used to say we could “spit and hit Kentucky” – quite a feat, may I add.
A big one from my neck of the woods (heh) is “yuns” instead of “ya’ll”- although both are regular occurrences in daily conversation.
“Shit fire and save the matches” was one of my Mamaw’s (again- Mamaw- incredibly Appalachian word- it’s like we made our own language or sumptin’) except she’d end hers with “I don’t give a goddamn” – Imagine THAT coming out of a tiny little grey haired old lady. Ah-mazing.
It’s not the sayings that get me as much as the way words are said. Wash? “Warsh” Pole? “Poe” Creek? “Crick”
Oh, and the ‘so good’ sayings? “So good it’ll make your tongue beat yer brains out!” ;-) Personal favorite!
y’uns is defintely the Appalachian verion of y’all. and crick is a freakin’ classic. (as is a little ol’ lady rockin’ “i don’t give a goddam!”)
great stuff. thanks for the comment.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
#10? My father-in-law says that. Drives me nuts.
Twitter Name: melisalw
melisa w/ one L, are you telling me that FIL is a redneck? hmm? are you? (and how was your visit?)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I grew up in San Diego, so my response to this is, “Dude (drawn out of course), that’s totally bitchin’!” Seriously, good stuff!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Must be a Cali thing…I still say “duuuuuuuuude” to this day. Not proudly, mind you…
HA! thanks, bro. and thanks for the gnarly comment, too!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Love it!! I am going to share this with the most intelligent and colorful red neck I know…I am sure he will have several to add! He is from Cocke County afterall!
I am a true Yankee, but after spending the last 6 years in KY I have heard quite a few! The best one I heard was from an older guy we hired to cut down a tree in our yard. I was about 8 months pregnant and standing in the front yard chatting with Clem, (seriously) and he said, “You pregnant? I got a daughter that is going to come fresh this Spring!” …. still cracks me up!
Stacie…i thought i was the smartest redneck you knew? “gonna come fresh” is a new one for me. so glad a man named Clem is the one who said it. happy hollidays, buddy!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Loved this post, John! And one that I swiped from Dolly (in Steel Magnolias, no less) and still use is “Busier than a one armed paper hanger..”. Mostly cause it makes you think “dang, that’s pretty busy…”.
melina! thank you! and, yes, i love that one, too. it’s a distant cousing of “busier than a one legged but kicker in an ass kicking contest,” no? great stuff!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I’m a military brat, but my family’s travels were mostly out West. My ear was sensitive to the different dialects of different military brats. However, I’ve lived in Georgia for more than 21 years now.
TWENTY-ONE YEARS.
I had quite literally had to learn what the heck people were saying. The Southern drawl was hard enough, but regional sayings just threw me for a loop. I know the lingo now, but no matter how many times I hear certain phrases, I can’t help but giggle a bit internally.
A couple of things not already mentioned that I’ve heard people say:
1. She’s skinnier ‘n a mosquito’s dick.
2. I ’bout split my britches (from laughing so hard).
3.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
skinnier’n a mosquito dick is a classic. and lemme know if i can ever do some translating for you. but seeing as how you’re in the dirty south, i gotta feeling you’re doin’ a’ight.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Out here in N.C., we don’t “cotton” to no ______.
I was born in VA and spent most of my life there but at least half of the family I grew up with was pure Appalachian. I heard all of it. What’s weird is, I have to actually TRY to remember to say any of it. About the only thing that actually stuck was MeeMaw (for Grandmother).
love MeeMaw. and love Appalachia. thanks for the comment!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
When I lived in VA for many years, I always liked the expression “like ta.” As in, “That bottle of whiskey like ta kick my ass.” It seems to mean “almost” or “nearly.” Also, “slicker than two eels fuckin in a bucket of snot.”
dude, both those are not only excellent, but also an example of what a versatile guy you are. great stuff.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Fixin’ to…
fixin’ is one of my alltime fave words. one for which i caught much shit when i lived in seattle. and i was always like “what? that’s an incredibly useful word.” (though in reality, it’s not. it’s just an extra word, but it sounds so cool. at least in my opinion.)
thanks for the comment!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I love that it can be used in a variety of situations:
“I’m fixin’ to go to the store.”
“I’m fixin’ to bust your ass if you don’t stop messin’ with your brother.”
I’m fixin’ to cook dinner.”
When I was young – everything made me VERY nervous! My dad would see me biting my nails or bouncing my knees and would say, “Girl – you are as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs!” Seemed to calm my nerves, mostly because I was trying to visualize…..
Great post- very funny!
i LOVE that saying and i’ve only heard it once in my entire life from this girl i dated eons ago in Nashville, TN. and that was like 10 years ago. HUGE. great call. and think about how nerve racking it’d be to be that cat, you know? no wonder it made you feel better.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
How about “I’m busier than a one-armed fiddler.” Rick uses that one (although I might be butchering it a bit, the Yankee that I am).
i like it, M! thanks for sneaking by and leaving a comment. hope you’re well.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
My all time fav:
Asshole deep on a long-legged giraffe.
HOLY SHIT. everyone stop now. because we have a winner.
WELL PLAYED, Kelly.
OUT.
STANDING.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Yay, me!! I have to give credit for that one to my ex- sister-in-law from Georgia. She was a hoot!
I went to school in SC and loved it down there. My coach would always say “dag gummit” (spelling?).
And I love to say Right Quick!
Others heard are “down the road a piece”, my parents were definitely lost in Cowpens from that one, and I reckin is always fun.
Living in the Midwest I don’t often have a chance to hear true “Redneckisms,” but I have heard a version of the “One-legged man in an ass-kickin’ contest.” Maybe I’ll hear more now that The Oldest is seriously dating a young man from the South, y’all.
Twitter Name: SurprisedMom
You should check out the blog Real Southern Men. They have a regular feature called “Twanglish.” http://real-southern.com/2011/07/01/twanglish-lesson-southern-cussemisms/
Twitter Name: Deborah Krauss
An expression I hear a lot when I hang with my southern homies (I’m in a training program that meets in Athens, GA each June, and most of my classmates are from GA, LA, NC, SC, TN…) is “Do what?” when they need something repeated.
I’m from Maryland, between DC and Baltimore, but am a redneck at heart. I often say that I am busier than a one armed paper hanger, that the weather is hotter’n damn (or in winter months, colder then all git out), or that it’s fixin’ to rain (or snow). If I want the attention of a small group (2-3 people), I call out for “y’all” but if the group is large, I holler for “all y’all.”
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
My ex husband used to say “I wanna scrog ya like a dog in heat” when he wanted to have sex. Did I mention he’s my EX husband?
Twitter Name: msbatman
This might be shocking (or maybe not since we have our own redneck mommy) but there’s a Canadian version too. And I might be related to a few. These might be heard round the old dinner table:
Crazier’n a sack o’rubber hammers (or crazier’n a sack o’squirrels)
Useless as tits on a bull (similar, yet different)
Fill yer boots – go for it.
While you’re on your hind legs (usually followed by git me a sammich)
When you hair’s a bit out of control it can be compared to ‘#9 binder twine’
Our cold can be described as freezing the balls of a brass monkey.
Twitter Name: therealneeroc
I love Southern expressions! My parents are from TN too and one that my mother always said (and it still cracks me up) is:
“They don’t know whether they’re washin’ or hangin out”
Translated as “they don’t know what they’re doing!”
“if you stand ‘em on their head they’ll look like twin sisters”
and
“fuck me runnin’”