Not a hardcore redneck, mind you (hardcore rednecks don’t say things like mind you), but red enough to get the job done. And there’s nothing I enjoy more than talking with hard core rednecks. They’re in touch with who they are, they’re loyal and, perhaps most notably, they’re funny.
So when this southern boy spent nearly a decade in politically correct Seattle, you can imagine how redneck-deprived I was. When I returned from the great Northwest, I had a fonder appreciation than ever before for the common redneck and while the reasons ranged from their attire to Dale Earnhardt, the biggest one had to be the words I’d hear coming out of their mouths, aka “redneckisms.”
And here are ten of my favorites.
1. I ain’t as think as you drunk I am. You may have seen this on a truck-stop t-shirt. But I actually heard it live during the fall race at Bristol a few years back.
2. She’s as cute as a speckled pup under a red wagon. Think softer, gentler redneck. Like your grandmotherly type at Cracker Barrell who offers up lovely words about your toddler daughter. Charming, really.
3. It’s hotter’n dammit. And, indeed, it often is hot in the southeast. And what, I ask you, could possibly hotter than dammit? Exactly. Nothing. Which is what makes this such an effective
metaphor. simile. redneckism.
4. I’m as busy as a one-legged butt kicker in an ass kicking contest. Indeed, you are, Mr. Redneck. So please allow me to get out of your way. Lest your foot meets my ass.
5. I’m gettin’ tore up from the floor up. Maybe. But you’re still not as think I drunk you are.
6. I heard that. Heard what? It doesn’t matter. Except that whatever was heard was something which the redneck thought was cool. Like getting tore up from the floor up, perhaps.
7. Shit fire, save matches. What’s important here is not just the green element of the conservation slogan, but also the pronunciation of it. Fire is “far,” and matches should be drawn out as if it ends with a “z” like Natchez.
8. Hey, man, watch this. Most always followed by a dangerous and ill-advised stunt, usually involving combustables, such as shitting fire, perhaps. Sadly, these have been the last words of some rednecks.
9. Wanna ICB? Leave it to a redneck to come up with the acronym for ice-cold beer. One you might wanna drink on a day that’s hotter’n dammit.
10. Worthless as tits on a boar hog. Yes. Well.
Any other rednecks out there who can think of some I missed?