Caroline and I ran into one of her childhood friends at a restaurant a while back and though I don’t know the woman very well, I’m a big fan. Our rapport is excellent.
“You’re a man of mystery,” she said to me.
“How so?”
“My mom’s always asking about you, wanting to know what Caroline’s husband’s all about. Know what I tell her?”
“What’s that?” I asked, preparing to greet the series of compliments that were sure to follow with the perfect mix of appreciation and modesty.
“I tell her what a girls’ guy you are.”
Record scratch.
“I’m sorry?” I said, wondering if I had misheard, or if she had meant ladies’ man or some other complimentary moniker.
“I tell her how fun you are to talk to. How it’s just like chatting with one of the girls.”
An awkward silence ensued.
“And what a girls’ guy you are.”
“I would have gone with versatile,” I said.
Holy shit, y’all. Girls’ guy?
I wonder if my camping buddies think I’m a girls’ guy. What about my bookie? Or my poker buddies? How about the guy I section hike the Appalachian Trail with? During our 17-mile days trekking up and down mountainsides while carrying 40-pound backpacks — I wonder if he ever looks at me and thinks, you know, as much as I love hiking with Osborne, what I’d really like to do is clutch a hot cup of coffee, plop down a fluffy sofa, and watch The View with that son-of-a-bitch.
I have a question. Since when did being unafraid to banter back and forth with the ladies suddenly turn me into RuPaul? I’m many things. Easy to talk to is one of them. Does that make me a candidate to tag along on a trip to Atlanta for a three-day Nieman Marcus bender?
Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I was wearing my sensitive panties, I thought.
So I bounced the matter off a close friend.
“Now what did she say, again?”
“That I was a ‘real girls’ guy.’ ”
“Was she serious?”
“I think.”
“That sucks,” he said, shaking his head.
So much for the sensitive-panties theory.
Next time I see Cindy at a party, I’ll remember to stay on the boys’ side of the room and talk about the stock market and auto parts while belching loudly and occasionally readjusting my nutsack (rogers). I’ll only cross over to the girls’ side to inform Caroline that her cowboy needs a drink.
Bourbon, bitch.
Harsh? Maybe, but I have to be careful not to use too many words or else I might come off all chatty. Wouldn’t wanna give anyone the wrong idea.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go. Glee just started.
Image: AmitLev via Creative Commons
About John Cave Osborne
“I wonder if he ever looks at me and thinks, you know, as much as I love hiking with Osborne, what I’d really like to do is clutch a hot cup of coffee, plop down a fluffy sofa, and watch The View with that son-of-a-bitch.”
I died.
Twitter Name: Erin (Another one)
HA. in a related story, i hate the View.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I hate “The View” too. But then again, I’ve frequently been told that I’m just one of the guys! (Have to agree with Erin — that sentence is outstanding!).
who doesn’t hate the view? thanks for reading. i love hearing from you.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I am the “just one of the guys” girl, but somehow that seems easier to stomach.
Probably because I hate throw pillows AND “The View”.
If it helps, you seem pretty rugged to me. Could be all of the outdoorsy talk.
Twitter Name: goonsquadsarah
well, thank you, Sarah. and you seem like a dainty little flower with a super-kick-ass command of sports. and a good egg, to boot, my friend.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Is this a rerun of one of your JCO blog posts, or did this incident happen AGAIN? I hope it’s the latter, but either way, it’s funny.
Twitter Name: themuskrat
file it under “oldie but goodie.” (and you hope that i once again got called a woman? what kind of friend are you?)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
How is there so much daylight between “ladies’ man” and “girls’ guy”? Oh semantics, you screwy old bastard.
Regardless, you should immediately begin telling people that your wife’s friend Cindy won’t stop calling you a ladies’ man and it’s so embarrassing. Just don’t say “omg it’s so embarrassing!” or we’re officially back to square one.
…great post, as always;)
Twitter Name: julieinthelou
wow. see what a rookie i am? you’re right. i oughtta just run w/ ladies’ man and get on with it. (without the use of OMG or emoticons…)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
That reminds me…we should really get together for another spa day soon.
Twitter Name: betadad
I dunno…I think being liked by all da ladeez and being surrounded by them at parties makes you look like a total stud. Where’s the downside?
Twitter Name: Izzymom