A note left for my wife by a friend she's made along the way.
While scolding one of her five children.
And rocking her cell.
If there’s any good news, it’s that once she gets going, she’s actually okay. But you put her at a stop light or in a parking garage and there’s a 3 in 20 chance that someone’s getting dinged. For my lovely wife maneuvers her vehicle with the agility of a cat.
That’s dizzy from being swung in circles by its tail.
And high on meth.
Yet at least such a cat still has whiskers to help it negotiate tight spots. Caroline? Not so much. Which means my pint-sized wife must fend for herself in her giant vehicle with no spacial-sensing mechanism other than her mere judgment which has proven time and time again to be woefully inadequate.
As such, she’s not afraid to feel her way through a tight spot with a bump here or a nudge there. And while it’s not exactly life-threatening, Caroline’s shenanigans are the stuff of legend, often exacting a toll which falls into that gray area in which we must debate whether or not it makes sense to notify our insurance. If only they made cars outta Nerf – you know, with a NASCAR roll-cage for the driver and passengers? The world would be a better place. As well as one where we’d not have to pay out the ass for insurance.
It’s not that I’m unsympathetic. With a vehicle as big as hers, she practically needs a shoe horn and a tub of Vaseline just to parallel park. But I’m also regularly amazed by the number of low-speed collisions she barely avoids. Yesterday was one such day. I must have told her to “watch out” a dozen times.
“Honey,” she said, “you realize that I drive around all day, every day without your help, right?”
“What’s your point?”
“That there’s nothing to worry about. I’m not gonna wreck.”
“Maybe not,” I said, “yet I suspect that you might be surprised at the number of minor accidents you leave in your wake.”
“Honey?”
“What?”
I know what you’re thinking. That JCO Nutsack Rogers is one dumb son of a bitch for dogging his wife’s driving so hard. But don’t worry.
She doesn’t read my posts anymore.
About John Cave Osborne
I’m telllinnnng….
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
don’t you dare.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I said the exact same thing to my wife the other day. The thing about “You know I drive around all the time without you, right?” And that made ME the dick.
does that mean that you, too, coudln’t drive a peg in a billy goats ass with a bass fiddle?
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Hahahaha! I like your wife :)
Twitter Name: Izzymom
my wife is awesome. you really would like her. she’s feisty.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I like your wife too.
ha! liking her is one thing. riding w/ her is another!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
So your wife is regularly bumping and dinging other cars and not reporting it? What an asshole. I hope she drives off a cliff.
@TNS you mis-read. or i was unclear. we struggle whether or not to report the minor one-car collisions she has b/c it’s always like $600 dollars of damage to my wife’s car no one elses. (in other words barely over our deductable) she would never hit and run. your last sentence “i hope she drives off a cliff” was entirely inappropriate and i don’t appreciate it one bit. that said, thanks for reading.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
TNS I think you may be the a**hole. That was an ignorant comment.
Your wife sounds like one of those people that I have to pry my fingers off the oh sh*t handle when we stop.
my wife doesn’t even have an oh sh*t handle anymore. (it broke!)
thanks for reading!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
You need to get that woman some whiskers.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
WELL PLAYED. (i was wondering if someone was gonna grab the whisker-bit.)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I do like the Nerf Car idea. In the interim, I’d definitely retrofit that behemoth of a vehicle with whiskers as well as self-inflating bubble wrap.
As far as your interaction with your beloved, from my own experience it’s best not to be blatantly forthcoming with your own thoughts as it pertains to criticism of your queen. Instead frame it in such a way as to make it “her” idea. Besides, you’ll live longer. Maybe.
Twitter Name: CuteMonsterDad
whiskers on a Denali sounds pimp to me. i’m in.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I am proud to say that I have knocked off exactly five rear view mirrors either from the swing hanging from a tree in our backyard or the %*^&ing wall that surrounds our house. So I have used the same profanity as Caroline and I love her for it. My middle name is “Crash” and although not proud of it I earned it. The insurance companies only know half the story on this “Crash” test dummy because my bro works in the car biz. Maybe he could help you cats out. Headed your way next week would love to meet the newest addition to your family.
yo, regy spice, i mean Crash, we would LOVE to see you. please come over and let us make you dinner. drinks. outside fire. music. like we did before 9 o’clock that year. xoxo
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
In the past 12 years I have had two Ford Expeditions and a Ford F350 Super Duty, the latter being the largest, and after a few minor nudges (no noticeable damage left in the wake) from backing into things…things like other vehicles, fences, the occasional mailbox and a building or two, Hub decided all future vehicles (after Expedition #1) would have back-up sensors. We are in the market for a new vehicle for me right now and both the ones we have looked at so far have not only the beeping back-up sensor but live cameras and the navigation screen shows the full view of what I will be trying not to hit as I back up, along with bright green lines that help me line up perfectly between the lines of parking spots. Outside of my small issues concerning backing up ginormous vehicles, I am a good and safe driver with a perfect driving record.
i’m still amazed that we didn’t spring for the back-up camera on Caroline’s vehicle. it woulda paid for itself several (dozen) times over by now! love your comment! have a great weekend, friend.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne