My Mother of the Year Application

November 9, 2011
by • 35 Comments
  I would never let one of my children flush the other down the toilet. I have standards, ya know.

I did not serve my children frozen corn dogs this morning for breakfast followed by a large helping of chocolate cake. Nor did I tell them that it would be alright to eat said gourmet breakfast directly on the living room carpet because I couldn’t stand the whining and wanted to blog. Not me. Not me, at all.

I would never let my bathroom go months without a cleaning because I am a fabulous housekeeper. I have never seen hairballs the size of small goats roaming free beneath my toilet and munching small cockroaches as snacks. I would never let the toothpaste scum in my sink get so bad that I could no longer determine the color of the sink itself.

I do not let my children deposit half-chewed foods and boogers into my open hand. This is disgusting and completely unacceptable.

I did not find sixteen mummified cheese sticks under my couch when I was looking for a lost bouncy ball the other afternoon. But if I did, I would have put them immediately in the trash before my toddler managed to snatch and gobble one of them whole. I did not not call Poison Control because
cheese sticks, even when mummified, are still food.

I did not leave a carved pumpkin in front of my house for so long after Halloween was over that the pumpkin was devoured by green mold, caved  in upon itself, became a small furry ball, grew legs, and walked away.

I was hallucinating when I thought I saw the pumpkin mold creature lurking in the shadows of my sparkling clean bathroom last night. I did not run. I did not hide. And I did not spray the imaginary monster with Hot Shot Ultra Ant + Roach Killer because of course we do not need this in our house as I am such a fastidious homemaker. I am not afraid of the movie Monsters Inc. thanks to my imaginary run-in with the pumpkin mold creature and did not get hysterical the other night when watching this movie with my children and spray Hot Shot Ultra Ant + Roach Killer at the TV.

I am not crazy and do not hallucinate on a regular basis. I do not need to be put in a strait jacket. I just need a short vacation from the madness and maybe …  a housekeeper.

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Filed Under: Family, Know Yourself Tagged With: , , ,
About Naomi De La Torre

Naomi de la Torre used to be a world famous salsa dancer and Guinness World Record holder in competitive meat-sculpting and artistic pie-eating before she gave up her life of fame and fortune to settle down. Now the mother of two adorable boys, she is most likely to be found hiding from the 100 pound pile of dirty laundry that stalks her, eating her weight in jarred cheese or using a can of Crisco to squeeze herself into her old sequined salsa dresses. Naomi is a contributing writer for SheKnows, Momtastic, Baby Banter and Insert Eyeroll.

Comments

  1. By Word of Mouth Musings says:
    November 9, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    The anal ocd side of me just broke out in hives ;)

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  2. dusty earth mother says:
    November 9, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    Mummified cheese sticks are still food? Awesome.

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  3. MommaCupcake says:
    November 9, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    I just want to say thank you for writing this. I had a weak moment today where I let my 4 year old venture out into the main part of the house by herself. I knew the fridge wasn’t locked but still didn’t “worry” about it. Why do we have a lock on our fridge? Oh you’ll see. My little darling took the eggs and spread them over the carpet. Not the wood floor…not the linoleum…no..the carpet. It was my own fault. I was reading some inane crap on the interwebs. It could of been prevented. I was crying hysterically by the time my husband got home thinking I was a bad mom. Now I realize I was just worn out. (((HUGS))) Thank you again for the much needed laugh.

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    • Naomi De La Torre says:
      November 10, 2011 at 2:28 pm

      Awwwww!! Sorry you had such a bad day. And TOTALLY sounds like sometime my kids would do. Their favorite activity for a while was dipping their toys in the toilet. I even had to get one of those toilet lock thingies. GAH!

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  4. HeatherS says:
    November 10, 2011 at 12:10 am

    I did not cook chicken nuggets in the toaster oven tonight and tell my children to “find something you like to go with it.” I didn’t then go lie on my bed with my eyes closed while they ate dinner. And I did not fall asleep while my daughter read her out-loud reading to me tonight. But your bathrooms beat my bathrooms and that is saying something.
    High-Five. Motherhood is HARD.

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  5. Alison@Mama Wants This says:
    November 10, 2011 at 12:17 am

    LOVE THIS.

    I did not know toothpaste scum discolors sinks. And good to know mummified cheese sticks is still edible.

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  6. UnknownMami says:
    November 10, 2011 at 1:07 am

    Mmmm…cheese…

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  7. karen says:
    November 10, 2011 at 3:24 am

    Yay, now I feel normal. We don’t have corn dogs in the UK, but other than that, sounds just like my house!

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  8. Kelly says:
    November 10, 2011 at 10:32 am

    I did not server my children breakfast for dinner again because I was too lazy to make something. And my husband and I did not go out to get sundaes for our dinner after the kids were in bed. Who us? No way…

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  9. trinity67 says:
    November 10, 2011 at 11:18 am

    I cannot type anything other than lmfao lmfao and, lmfao. Also, snort lmfao snort snort lmfao lmfao. THANK YOU.

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  10. Erin Margolin says:
    November 10, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    You bring the awesome.

    Thank God it’s not just me.

    Huge sigh of relief.

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  11. leigh says:
    November 10, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    MOTY awards I would like to make a red carpet event, you know similiar to the Oscar’s. There’s nothing wrong with eating a little dehydrated food now and then. Love the post. Cheers.

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  12. Truthful Mommy says:
    November 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    I am a raging anal retentive freak and this post just made me jump put of my skin. Not saying that I don’t have a mountain of unfolded laundry, the occasional sink full of dirty dishes or a car that has pretty much developed its own life source from all the crushed, smushed and spilled in the floorboards..but for the most part I keep it all contained to a closet. I guess I’m a hot mess in the closet like that. No worries, I still love you PigPen:)LOL XO

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  13. Mommy2¢ says:
    November 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who ignores their children to blog!… well, and tweet for me too. I did not feed my kids a packet of pre-sliced apples with caramel sauce for lunch and justify it to be healthy cuz hey, it’s fruit! I quickly turn my head in denial when I see her licking the caramel part clean while all the untouched apples are dumped out on the table; because, hello… I’m reading your hilarious post! ;)

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  14. Julie says:
    November 10, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    I want to marry you, but I’m not sure it would work out because our marital home would be condemned or something.

    I did not count pumpkin pie as the fruit in my child’s well balanced breakfast yesterday. Nope.

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  15. Poppy says:
    November 10, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    So who looked for the bouncy ball? APPLICATION DENIED! (loved this)

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  16. Jennifer says:
    November 10, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    I’m son eats a corn dog for breakfast every single morning. And that really is actually true.

    PS Then he goes to daycare and eats his second breakfast of something the state has proclaimed healthy and acceptable. Sometimes that’s poptarts.

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  17. Diane Reiter - It's All Good - Until You Burn Dinner says:
    November 10, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    Loved this post! Just roll with the punches. There were days I was too tired to make dinner so I served my kids ice cream. I’ve watched helplessly as socks swirled down the toilet. And a pound of butter stuffed into a shoe is NEVER good. The kids are teenagers now and believe it or not, they’re alive — and so am I!

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  18. Peryl says:
    November 10, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Love you baby! I think we first bonded over mummified cheese sticks…

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  19. susie@newdaynewlesson says:
    November 12, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    I do not let my kids fend for themselves or make them clean my house or cook. Nope I do not. :-)

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