As usual, I was a latecomer to the party. My parents were not coffee drinkers; my Mom drank tea on occasion and my Dad? “Tab” man, all the way. And although that Tab bottle seemed to be eternally adhered to my father’s hand, we were never allowed to sample its caramel-colored gloriousness for fear that our saliva-y little mouths might deposit “floaters”. So I was a college student before I tried anything caffeinated.
The setting: an IHOP in Champaign, Illinois in the fall of 1981.
The perpetrators: IHOP’s “24-Hour All You Can Eat Pancake And Coffee Special!” and my freshmen friends.
We were testing our independence, as extremely sheltered 18-year olds did in those days, by staying up all night eating pancakes in a “cool coffee house”.
They did not know I was a coffee virgin. But since I was still a virgin-virgin, I was not about to reveal the vast extent of my innocence. I watched my friend Joe pour the forbidden black brew and then add enough cream and sugar to make it dessert-worthy. I copied him and that first taste… Oh my sweet four teaspoons of Domino® Lord!! Why had no one ever told me about this heady nectar?! I polished off that first cup in mere seconds and poured another.
And that’s when I discovered the mystical properties of 3,7-Dihydro-1,3,7-trimethyl-1H-purine-2,6-dione. Not only was it tri-Dihydro-yummy, it also transformed me into The Goddess of the IHOP. I owned those mustard yellow vinyl seats, people! And everyone knew it! As they passed me (drinking my fourth cup), they heard :
“YES, I AM GOING TO BE THE MOST FAMOUS ACTRESS IN THE WORLD BECAUSE I AM SO VERY TALENTED AND I WILL HELP PEOPLE BY MY AWESOME TALENT AND MAYBE I WILL ALSO BE A BRAIN SURGEON BECAUSE I’M ALSO SO VERY BRILLIANT AND WAITRESS MAY I HAVE ANOTHER CUP PLEASE!”
I drank five cups of coffee total. As you may have guessed, I did not sleep that night. Or the next day. At approximately midnight on the night after my coffee orgy, as I lay sobbing into my pillow because I realized that I was never going to be the most famous actress in the world or a brain surgeon and my life was worth absolutely nothing (this phase is known in caffeine lingo as “the crash”), I finally passed out cold and slept for twelve hours straight.
And then woke up, ready to go back to IHOP.
To this day, I am still tinkering with the exact formula for maximum Goddess-ness and minimum Crash-age, but one thing is for sure: my marriage with caffeine is eternal.
Caffeine, on our 30th anniversary, would you like to renew our vows?
About Dusty
Oh, i love this. i too have virgin memories of coffee shops…and IHOP, come to think of it.
I hope everyone has a good memory of an IHOP, Des. It would be sad if they didn’t.
Are you talking about the IHOP on Green? We hung out there a couple of summers ago (revisiting my 90′s townie glory days). There’s a shrine to you back by where they keep all the syrups.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
I AM talking about the IHOP on Green! Were you a townie? I used to think that Champaign was like the town in Chekhov’s Three Sisters–it wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the college. No offense, HellR. And I’m so glad you saw my shrine. I’m hoping you knelt and offered a few words.
I spent 5 years waiting for the Y2K apocalypse in Chambana. When the new millenium failed to deliver disaster, I couldn’t see much of point in staying, so I moved. But I did leave you a packet of Domino (R)as tribute.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
I will return and take that sugar packet and sleep with it under my pillow.
Caffeine calms me down :) Have a great time at the wniddeg!! That is so exciting that you are pretty much done with classes!
Twitter Name: eqbJuVlRSAISXk
Well, you know about me and coffee,r ight?
Like…shhh..
I was under age.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress