Not all lunch ladies have hairy facial moles, not all stay at home moms ignore their children to blog, and not all school secretaries are as friendly as Blanche Hodel in Grease. Generalizations are based on my experience and may be skewed by a nasty case of conjunctivitis.
The walk of shame to pick up your child when you have sent them to school with a contagion is painful. Picking up your child for a suspected case of pink eye when you are in the beginning stages yourself is particularly embarrassing. In my defense, I was not the one who sent my daughter to school drippy. The phone call from the school came at the exact same time I was trying to open my own crusty eye.
This was the beginning of a school year in a new school and I did not yet know the protocol. Naturally, I went to the office. When I entered, no one bothered to look up. There is a lot of activity in a school office and tuning out distractions is probably necessary for productivity.
After standing there a bit, I finally said “excuse me, I am here to pick up my child”. Still, without looking up, the head secretary told me I needed to go around to the window. The window was outside of the office, but adjacent to her desk. The clipboard I needed to sign was within her reach. I looked like Quasimodo so I didn’t feel like arguing. Even my master eyeroll had been compromised by infection.
Most professions have some sort of passive-aggressive stress relief. Police officers write tickets, waiters serve saliva soup, and school secretaries fuck with you in the form of the flower pen. In case you’re not familiar, flower pens are ordinary pens wrapped in floral tape, adorned with a silk flower, and then “planted” in a flower pot. When several are placed together, they look like a lovely arrangement. When you ask to borrow a pen, you look like a dipshit.
After I successfully signed the clipboard, I was directed back into the office to wait for my daughter.
I have since logged many volunteer hours at three separate schools. The schools all have different staff, but the chilly reception has been consistent. It could be me, but I feel better about myself if I can blame it on their chosen profession. I think multi-tasking skills rate as highly as abrasiveness and rigidity on secretarial resumes. District policy dictates I sign in with the office every time I volunteer so I try and play nice. I’m even allowed to step inside for that gig.
I just make sure to bring my own pen.
About Poppy
Secretarial “Les Fleurs du Mal”; Baudelaire could only hope to conjure such nightmares.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
I’m pretty sure I know an elementary school secretary who inspired his poetry. I think she’s been alive since the mid 19th century.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Passive/aggressiveness is a section on the professional admin exam- we aren’t allowed to get jobs supporting high level executives if we can’t treat people who outrank us with the appropriate amount of thinly veiled condescension.
That being said, I would never treat you that way. You are one of the folks for whom I would find time on the boss’ calendar when you needed to talk to her, and I’d keep your favorite candy in the basket on my desk instead of filling it with the stuff I know you can’t stand.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
As it should be, take it out on the jackholes who treat you like crap! I’m totally nice. Always. Really.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Ah, you know you’re seriously infected when your eye roll is compromised.
Twitter Name: amorninggrouch
It’s hard to be taken seriously when you’re lids are have closed like you’re a junkie.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Why are secretaries so nasty sometimes and why do I get so scared of them? Sort of like librarians .
They rule the school. Yes, I’m generalizing. I’m sure there are perfectly pleasant school secretaries.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
So glad to hear its not just the school secretaries here. Although, Ive had that type of encounter with the secretaries at our pediatricians office too. Why do you have to be so mean, and make me look so dumb?
Twitter Name: spitupchronicle
It’s a conspiracy I tell ya!
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I LMAO @ flower pens as his happened to me on Tuesday when I had to pick up sick kid. He told me he didn’t feel well but no outward signs of anything so I made him go…15 minutes into school and he was puking. What is more pathetic is I didn’t answer wall phone when it rang b/c i had crawled back into bed with a headache!
Twitter Name: momma23monkeys
Ha! Too bad you didn’t turn your cell phone off too :) A sick kid is not a cure for a headache!
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I have been fooled by the flower pen.
More than once.
Dip shit for sure.
As for the contagion fear, I found out my daughter might have been exposed to lice about fifteen minutes after sending her on a 3-day retreat with the leadership kids from her school.
Yeah. Because being Lice Girl is an easy one to live down when you’re 12, right?
Thank GOD it turned out we hadn’t been loused. Especially since it was right after I’d donated to Locks of Love.
True story.
(And now, back to being a dip shit.)
Twitter Name: julie gardner
Chemo Kid Gets Locks Of Lice. That’s a 60 Minutes special.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Sorry about the pink eye. My suggestion on sweetening up school staff- bring flowers.
Twitter Name: kristinglas
I was thinking Ex-Lax Chip cookies.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I know what I’m bringing you next time we’re hanging…
I think I have some eye funk going on too. Did you fart on my pillow?
Twitter Name: gonnakillhim
When would I have had the chance? Your pretty little head was always sleeping on it.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Yet another reason (besides our lovely winters and the Fargo Marathon) that you need to visit me…when you are a fixture in the school on a volunteer basis…such as I am…they let you skip the sign in process, greet you with a smile using your name, and an occasional witty quip of some sort is heard from the principal’s open door…
Sounds like my relationship with the nurses at the free clinic in high school. Sounds wonderful.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I have been fooled by that damn pen/flower before too. Glad I’m not the only one, but sorry they were so nasty to you.
Twitter Name: letters4lucas
When I don’t have floaters in my eyes, like most days, I can hold my own.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Ah, the flower pens…since I work at the elementary school, I often find myself wandering the office, looking for a “normal” pen.
And if I see a parent standing there, I always (quite loudly) ask, “Is someone helping you?” because I know the lazy-ass secretaries are NOT.
Twitter Name: OldTweener
Nothing like being ignored. I get enough of that crap at home. I think the parents really appreciate you.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
OMG HAHA I was just totally thrown off and feel a bit honored :P The picture you used for the Pens is my own personal picture HAHAHA, those are my pens on my desk at work with my pretty little pink and blue stones sitting in the corn.
You must of grabbed from my Flickr feed :) See I’m gonna be totally cool about it and not a jerk like some people. Thanks for liking my picture and used it ;)
Twitter Name: rose3694
You’re not a school secretary are you?!? I know you’re not in our district because I tried to take a stealth picture of the flower pens, but chickened out.
Reference your picture, it had a Creative Commons license via Flickr that indicated it was free to copy, distribute and transmit the work as long as it was linked back to your feed. I would never take a picture I didn’t think I had permission to use. Thank you, it was perfect for my piece.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
This is so funny, both the eye crust image and the school secretary diatribe. There are four secretaries at my kids’ school and I just found the really nice one–soooo thrilled that I figured it out, because now I seek her out all the time; like when I came to pick up my kids because they had head lice. Oops.
How did I miss this? I’m trying not to wake up the rest of my house with my snickering.
Those f*cking flower pens. They’re at school, the dentist’s office, AND my bank. The bank teller can already look at my checking account and see how dorky I am, but I have to publicly look like an ass too?
Twitter Name: julieinthelou
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