Many children go through something that experts dub “the know-it-all phase”. Your child has figured out the world and its workings and they no longer need you for answers, help, or company. Although it usually rears its ugly, brainy head around the age of 7 or 8, “know-it-all-ism” can start earlier, around the age of, hmmm, let’s say, birth. Especially if you’re raising kids in New Jersey.
I have written before about being dragged from Manhattan, kicking and screaming, through the Lincoln Tunnel to my present domicile in the Garden State. If my husband wasn’t so frickin’ cute, and my biological clock hadn’t been so frickin’ loud, this travesty never would have happened.
But, here I am. And here my children are. In The Land of the Painful Accent.
There is the general anguish/aggravation of dealing with a child’s “know-it-all” phase and then there’s the specific anguish/aggravation of dealing with it in Joisey. Thus, this phase will henceforth be known, for the purposes of this article, as the “I Know Dat Awready” phase.
Or, to make it plainer, imagine that you are being told that your shoelace-tying help is not needed by a “Six-year-old Situation.”
I will now share with you:
The Daily Dialogues between SS (Six-year-old Situation) and TSSM (The Six-year-old Situation’s Mom), with added subtext.
TSSM: Honey, you can’t have any more candy, that would be bad for you–
SS: I know dat awready! (subtext: “Cause my abs are so ripped from hanging on de monkey bars at de playground, Fool!”)
TSSM: Honey, I don’t know if we can have your whole class at your birthday party—
SS: I know, you told me dat awready! (subtext: “It ain’t my fault that everybody loves The Situation! Everybody! Babies, dogs, hot pre-schoolers, teachers, pediatricians—I got unbelievable mass appeal and dat should be reflected at de Chuck E. Cheese!”)
TSSM: Honey, we already have two dogs, I don’t want to have to take care of any more pets—
SS: I know dat awready, Ma! (subtext: We all know dat you do everything around de house ‘cause you tawk, tawk, tawk about it all de time, so okay, awready, I’ll stop askin’ for anything, ya dirty little hamster!”)
TSSM: Honey, I need you to put your dirty clothes in the hamper—
SS: Yeah, yeah, I know dat awready! (subtext: “GTLY. Get it. To the. Laundry Basket. Yourself.”)
About Dusty
Ha ha!! You make it sound adorable – though I’m sure it’s not always so adorable in person :).
Mildly adorable. 50% of the time. The rest of the time, it’s just JOISEY.
My four year old likes to sigh like Sylvia Plath by the pilot light, roll her eyes at me and say, “You don’t know EVERYTHING.” It’s easier on the ears, but harder on the soul because IT’S TRUE. Cherish your Situation.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
“Sylvia Plath at the pilot light”. Laughed out loud. Sorry, Syl.
I thought of you today, Shari. We were in the Garden State when my daughter announced in the car that New Jersey is pronounced “New JOISEY”. Of course, she learned that on TV. She’s too smart for her own good!
Look out, Holly, you might have a junior Snooki on your hands :-)