Source: icanhascheezeburger.com
Let me list the animals I like.
1. Dogs
2. ….
3. ….
I’m not really an animal person. I’ll come over your house and hang out if you have animals, but please don’t ask me to pet your obese cat with the demon eyes or hold your kid’s hamster while it pees on me. I don’t want to hear all the profanity you’ve taught your parrot to repeat, and I absolutely think your guinea pigs make your house smell funny.
But I still love you and will totally drink all your ginger ale and eat your Nutella from the jar with a spoon.
Puppies are cool. Big dogs are cool.
Owning zero animals? Also cool.
I heard a scritchy scratchy noise not too long ago. It was coming from the back deck. My back deck is a second story deck. My first reaction was, of course, to shake with fear and channel all of my inner Jack Bauer. More scritchy scratching.
I did what every normal human would do, and curled up into the fetal position and cried like a tiny child. Then I mustered up some courage, crept towards a window, and peeked out.
Three mutant raccoons were doing dastardly things on my deck. Raccoons. Don’t like them.
Walked out of my front door this morning, and a squirrel was three feet away from my front porch. Staring at me.
Squirrels. Don’t like them either. They are the crackheads of the Animal Kingdom.
Why are rodents so shady? Why do they have beady little eyes?
Why are you leaving PETA paraphernalia on my windshield?
Wait, no no no no no no no. Don’t get me wrong. I like most things. People, children, Black Friday internet sales, Girl Scout cookies, the Girl Scouts who sell them to me.
But I don’t like your pet iguana.
Thanks for slashing my tires. xo
About Roo Ciambriello
Racoons are that special kind of animal where when you see their pictures you think, “oh, like cute little bandits with a Zorro mask on.” Then, you see one in person and they’re all claws and hissing and you realize they aren’t so cute.
Twitter Name: cannibal_nerd
Cartoons make animals to be a lot cuter than they really are. It’s SHAMEFUL.
Twitter Name: NiceGirlNotes
Particularly bears. It’s like cartoon makers have never seen a nature documentary.
Twitter Name: cannibal_nerd
Simba’s not cute and cuddly. Simba would eat my face if I tried to snuggle him. THAT, dear Disney, is the circle of life.
Twitter Name: NiceGirlNotes
Squirrels are TOTALLY the crackheads of the Animal Kingdom.
Right?! So creepy.
Twitter Name: NiceGirlNotes
I love animals…except for the freaky mystery critter that came on my porch last week and totally ate up a bright orange Nerf football and left foam all over the place. That one? TOTALLY ON MY SHIT LIST.
Oh, and alligators and snakes and my neighbors stupid dog that barks 24-7? Also on my shit list.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
LOVE IT … they creep me out too..good i thing i have a cat who kills