How to Fight with Your Spouse About Money

Money is the leading cause of fights in relationships. You don’t need any fancy statistics to prove that. You can tell it’s true simply by looking at couples you know. Even if they’re getting laid a lot, they’re squabbling about how to spend that hundred dollar windfall they just got from playing little lotto. Here’s a look at how you’ll spend so much time bickering about dollar dollar bills, yo.

Step 1: You’re lucky enough to have found someone who shares your love of large koi ponds. So what that they spend more or less than you do? Other couples fight about money? Pssshhh, that will never be you. You’re better than the rest of humanity.

Step 2: Since you’ll be a super major long-term couple, it makes sense for you to be on the same page when it comes to money. You read that in a book. You agree that it would be stupid not to pool your money to get that large koi pond you’ve both always dreamed of.

Step 3: As it turns out, when it comes to money one of you is The Enforcer and the other is The Aesthetically Pleasing One. These roles can be assigned to either gender as it’s now ok for men to care about moisturizers and wear thong underwear. You are dismayed to discover that one of you thinks a large koi pond includes a  chocolate waterfall and an oompa loompa while the other thinks large means roughly the size of a kitchen sink. Be astounded that the other person’s role as The Enforcer/The Aesthetically Pleasing One matters so much to them, especially considering it’s so stupid. Try to show them how very right you are. Be confused that they don’t automatically adopt your money views. How can they be so stupid? So very, very stupid.

Step 4: After many private battles, you’ve agreed on exactly what the large koi pond of your dreams will look like. You have a set budget that The Enforcer has calculated to the tenth of a cent. The Aesthetically Pleasing One is secretly sure The Enforcer will lighten up when they see how useful an Oompa Loompa could be. Your money issues will be easier to work through in the light of day. You head to the store.

Step 5: You disagree publicly. One of you will cry. The other will get angry. You excuse yourself to whisper at each other in extremely hostile, hushed tones. The crying party will excuse themselves. The angry party will apologize that the crier made a scene.

Step 6: Lather, rinse, refight, for forever. This is the rest of your financial life.

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