I'm not sleeping. I'm channeling my inner zombie warrior.
I like playing with my kids. I really do.
I’ve been known to spend hours leaping from tree to tree in the backyard while dressed as a ghost/ninja/spider monkey and wielding a homemade banana light saber. And I may have three-week-old banana schmear in my bra to prove it. But that’s a totally different post.
This post is about what to do post-ghost/ninja/spider monkey impersonation, when you need 150 minutes 15 minutes to lie down on the couch and regroup, but your raving lunatics children are buzzing around like the Energizer Bunny on crack demanding, “Play with me!”
Throughout my years of trying to find the lowest common denominator, I’ve come up with badass slacker solutions that will keep everyone in the family happy.
You’re welcome.
Play dead. Children love it when you die an exciting and extravagant death. (For pretend, of course.) Poisonings, heart attacks, stuffed animal assassinations and dislocated armpits are family favorites around here. Helpful tip: the most comfortable way to die on the couch is surrounded by pillows and blankets. Let the children work to revive you. If you really work the system, this can go on for 30-40 minutes.
Let me see what I can do about your dislocated armpits, sir....
Beauty shop. I learned this one from my own dad when I was a kid. He would sit for hours while my sister and I made him sparkly and gorgeous by applying various shades of lipstick (all over his face), braiding colorful beads into his beard and decorating his balding head with sticker gems. Helpful tip: Don’t try this before an important business meeting. The results could be semi-disastrous. Not that I know from personal experience or anything.
Awwww... You're so pretty, Daddy!
Face paint. Similar to the beauty shop, make yourself available for a face paint torture session extravaganza. This activity is best done in a location that cannot be easily destroyed. As in, don’t do this in the middle of your living room on top of your plush white carpet. Helpful tip: To make this activity last longer, let your kids paint your arms, legs and torso. If you are lying down, you might even get in a short nap while your children paint the insides of your armpits magenta.
Don't worry about how you look. Just go to your Happy Place.
Hide and seek. Not as relaxing as the others, but still provides moments of peace and quiet. Encourage your children to hide together, then take a quick snooze before you find them. When you do locate them, congratulate them for finding such a killer hideout. Even if it was right beneath the couch you were sleeping on. Booyah!
About Naomi De La Torre
Hilarious! One time I let my son draw on my face with washable markers. But then it turned out they weren’t quite as washable as advertised. So I ended up going to work with his artwork on my face. I got a lot of questions that day about my “makeup.”
I remember that. You looked really pretty. Hehehe.
Bwhahahaaha! I love you, Coolwhipmom. And yes, I’ve done more than one of these myself.
Awwww, thanks, Bon! Mwah!
Having children is a lot harder than it looks, huh? I think I’ll stick with my cats. Heh!
I’ve seen the things your cats do. They’re as sneaky as toddlers.
That is really funny. The things you do for love and laziness. I think my husband would love the idea. He could really make our son happy without doing much effort.
Thanks, Karen! Slacking is an art, ya know?
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
You are a GENIUS slacker.
I always got the hide and seek one mixed up.
I hid.
Twitter Name: writewrds
That works too! But half the time, my little one hides with me and that usually involves us trying to cram ourselves inside the laundry basket or beneath the craft cabinet which isn’t always conducive to relaxation. Hee hee.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
But what if my armpits are NATURALLY magenta?
Or is that a topic for another post too?
Twitter Name: TamingInsanity
We have SO much in common, KLZ. It’s frightening.
I don’t recommend beauty parlor with MAC Russian Red. That shit stains!
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
When my kids were small, I used to lay on their bed and tell them to cover me up with all the pillows & blankets & stuffed animals they could find in their room. Just leave me a breathing hole, and life is good . . .
oh my gosh, I’ve fallen asleep in my “hiding place”, but I never thought about Beauty Shop! Brilliant!
Ha! Good stuff. Is there an extra level to beauty shop where you let them cut and style your hair?
Twitter Name: CharlieShahnaian