See that picture? To most, it’s hairbrushes in soapy water. But to me, it’s a marriage tester. Because it’s evidence of a tiny foe which not only brought us to our knees once, but also threatened our loving union like nothing ever has. The foe in question? Head lice. Only due to the stigma, I’ll use a code name.
The call came last Thursday. There’s been an epidemic at school. Nurses are checking students’ hair every day. And the nurse had just informed Caroline that one of our children had contracted head lice red mice. Per my wife’s request, I dropped what I was doing and rushed home.
All I could think about was the last time — the affected child’s case had gone undetected for some time and was quite advanced. We diligently followed the instructions of various OTC remedies, but to no avail. After a week, not only were the head lice red mice still around, they’d also spread to two of our other children.
So we brought in the big guns, my wife’s friend Jill who’d gone head to head (ew) with ‘em and won. Per her direction, we bought several crazy-ass products from some shady website. But we were so traumatized, we woulda rubbed Roseanne Barr’s thong on our kids’ heads if she said it’d work.
From that point forward, virtually every waking second of our lives was dedicated to eradicating head lice red mice. We vacuumed everything — carpets, couches, mattresses, drapes — with ferocity. We sprayed every fabric in the house with some witchcraft-y product. Followed, of course, by the sprinkling of voodoo dust which would sit for 24 hours before we’d vacuum it off.
There were endless hair treatments and scalp inspections conducted while wearing an apparatus (pictured to the left of the sink) that was part headband, part magnifying glass, lending us the appearance of grooming-obsessed Chimpanzees rocking some bad prop from the movie Ghostbusters. Every plush toy our kids ever touched was bagged. We averaged 12 loads of laundry per day, one fewer than the number of marital spats, as Caroline would lose her shit (in a cute way, honey) anytime I suggested we’d gone a touch overboard. Six weeks later, we were head-lice-red-mice free. And, more importantly, still married.
We’d later learn that much of what we’d done was useless busy work propagated largely by myth. Even so, I measured my words very carefully. “Honey, I love you. And I respect head lice red mice. Greatly. But we ain’t goin’ back to Loony Town.”
And who knows if we would have or not. After three days of serious-but-not-obsessive measures, we found that the nurse was wrong. The only thing our child had was dandruff a dry scalp.
Thank.
God.
About John Cave Osborne
Oh, I don’t envy you! We had a similar issue in our house last year and went the old wive’s route. It was somewhat insane, but at least it was cheap and effective.
Twitter Name: ssfrigerio
old wive’s route is a good one. glad you survived.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
there is a good episode of Dirty Jobs that every parent should watch.
wow. that would definitely draw my eyeballs.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
You can never be too careful with red mice. We deposited the last of our kerosene resistant red mice in a Mcdonald’s playland in 2006 and I still have flashbacks. Thanks for making my head itch.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
sorry about the head itch. and kudos on the McDonald’s drop off.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Yes, my head is itching now too :)
My current hub & I had to deal with this on my daughters right after we moved in together. We still say if we got through that, we can get through ANYTHING!
impossible to read that and not have your head itch, i’d suspect. and you and your hubby are right. it’s the ultimate marriage tester.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
We went to Loony Town last month ourselves. Still married, kids still speaking to us. But now living in terror of bedbugs.
dude. Loony Town. hard not to visit. glad you survived.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
We had red mice twice. The second time I considered shaving the kids’ heads, setting fire to the house and walking away.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
Your wife and I are cut from the same cloth. Just months after losing my dad to cancer, my first grader came home with red mice. (actually I’d waaaay rather deal with red mice than head lice.) Anyhow, I totally flipped my lid and my husband just tried to be there for me and prayed the crazy wasn’t contagious. To this day, my poor daughter vividly remembers the traumatic experience of me flipping my lid over lice. They were taken care of with the very first treatment but I had phantom lice for months afterward. My poor husband would check my head and be all, “No, honey, there’s nothing there!” Fast forward almost four years, mama was in a much more stable state of mind, and the lice found on my second first grader brought on more of an attitude of, Well, Jesus, you have lice! Ugh. We were on vacation, so I was thrilled that any creatures at home wouldn’t survive our absence. I used Rid and did comb outs twice a day and they were all gone within three days. Definitely a time when my OCD tendencies came in handy! I’m hoping that I’ve now served my dues with the vile little critters and won’t have to deal with them ever again. And yes, my head is itching.
Tea tree oil. Let it sit in the hair as long as kid can stand it, wash hair and pick nits out. Daughters hair was so long and thick one night I spent 4 HOURS picking.
Had tried the store stuff and did not work and man is that stuff toxic.
I had something similar happen with my son when he was in grade 4. Lice checkers went around deemed son had lice and called me. Go to pick up upset son who was suddenly deemed DANGEROUS. Could not see a thing, took him to hairdresser, no lice. And then to pharmacist (where I would have bought the lice stuff) quick check over and deemed son had dandruff. Be nice if those lice checkers at school knew what they were looking for, save us parents some strife.
I’d probably start with the Rosanne thong treatment then use all the money saved on the gimmicky treatments for counseling.
Twitter Name: Chase_McFadden
We just got the “CALL” yesterday, someone in my daughter’s class has lice….I think family shower caps are in order.
Twitter Name: leighandmeg
After reading the comments, I now itch all over. Yuck! Dandruff over red mice EVERY time. Competent head checkers would be priceless!