Sweet Baby Jeepers and the Holy Bee Gees--WHAT A CROWD.
If you’re like me, you’re not even going to chance a glance out the window during the consumer mob-action known as Black Friday. The thought of navigating the teeming crowd makes you clench your jaw shut to keep your screaming skeleton from climbing out of your body, yet you’re haunted by the mental image of a hun-like stranger grabbing up the perfect gift that destiny had clearly intended for your mom, nephew, or sundry loved one. You’re conflicted; you’re hamstrung by your own inherent flaws; you’re screwed. You are the reason Lillian Vernon went into the mail-order business.
Lillian Vernon has the perfect gift for every member of your family. You can stop sweating it right here and now because she has your shut-in ass COVERED. Knowing that you’re probably a little fuzzy on Xanax and your mother-in-law’s table wine (we sensitive types have to get through Thanksgiving somehow), I’ve compiled the following easy-to-follow gift guide to get you started.
For Dad/Grandpa: The Personalized Man Cave Plaque. Let’s put a happy, vaguely homoerotic face on the fact that dad would rather get drunk in the garage, alone, and risk carbon monoxide exposure than hang out with us! Cute!
For Mom/Grandma: The Crystal Hershey Kiss Candy Dish. Finally: a vessel classy enough for that most exquisite of delicacies, the divine Hershey Kiss. (Warning: do not sit on Crystal Hershey Kiss Decanter.)
For Sis/Aunt: The Purse-Hanger. It looks like a cross between a crustacean and a handcuff, and it’s the perfect gift because we all know what a freak auntie is. Bonus monogram suggestion: H.O.T.
For Bro/Uncle: The Hometown Jigsaw Puzzle. Put the pieces together to solve the riddle of where to go when the party’s over!
For The Kids: The Camouflage Beanbag Chair. It blends in with its environment, yet it’s literally got their name written all over it. Give the little ones the gift of You Can Run But You Can’t Hide. (Available in pink for girls!)
Speaking for my fellow Black Friday bag-breathers and panic attackers, I’d just like to say: God bless you, Lillian Vernon! And all your crap, too!
Walmart Black Friday 09 by laurieofindy
Photos courtesy Lillian Vernon
About Hellraisin
Hilarious, speaking for the hipsters grannies out there, I would love a crystal Hershey’s Kiss and a set of the handcuffs which can also be used to hold a purse.
You are clearly a lady of refined and freaky taste…just like Lillian herself!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
It seems like many of us ALers know better than to get out into the madness. I’d rather keep my lunacy in the house.
It is always a special day when I arrive home to find that the Lillian Vernon catalogue has arrived. They’re great entertainment during #OccupyBathroom time.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
Laughter is the best laxative, Moxie.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
I once sat on a crystal kiss, and I liked it. Don’t tell anybody…