FUPA: The Owner’s Manual

Now that I have a baby, I have a lot of new things. A co-sleeper. An activity mat. A closet full of loose-fitting tops covered in spit-up and neon yellow infant poop. And, of course, my FUPA.

For the uninitiated, a “FUPA” is the pouch of skin below the belly button and above the family jewels that defies crunches or crash diets. It resembles a flesh-colored fanny pack stuffed with tube socks and walnuts. It’s especially common in new moms and the morbidly obese. The name is short for “Fat Upper Pubic Area,” although the P, as Naughty By Nature taught us in 1991, can stand for more specific parts of the male and female anatomy. It should not be confused with Foofa, from Yo Gabba Gabba! (although it must be said that Foofa herself appears to have a healthy FUPA–no judgment).

Own it, girl.


I have been blessed with genetics and dumb luck that allowed me to shrink down to more or less my pre-pregnancy size within a few weeks of labor. But my new FUPA remains. She has settled in for the long winter with a sizable Netflix instant queue and a case of wine. So, like any new accessory, I’ve learned to take care of her.

Caring For Your FUPA:

The FUPA is largely self-sufficient, but enjoys a good rub-down with cocoa butter, preferably while being jiggled to the tempo of “Rumpshaker” by Wreckx-N-Effect in front of a full-length mirror.

You can also sing to your FUPA. Substituting the word “FUPA” for “super” is particularly effective. Examples:

She’s a FUPA freak! FUPA freak! She’s FUPA freak-a, yow!

FUPA trooper, beams are gonna blind me
But I won’t feel blue
Like I always do
‘Cause somewhere in the crowd there’s you

Accentuating Your FUPA:

The FUPA, like any living organism, needs to breathe. When weather conditions allow, let the FUPA emerge from between your top and bottom garments in all of her glory.

Don’t be afraid to clutch your FUPA like a purse, or, in the winter months, stuff your hands in it for warmth.

The FUPA should be encased in tight-fitting jersey fabric whenever possible.

Bonus Household Uses:

  • Beer cozy
  • Dog water-bed
  • Infant bouncy castle
  • Lazy blog post fodder

 

About Una LaMarche

Una LaMarche blogs at The Sassy Curmudgeon, and writes for The New York Observer, The Huffington Post, and NickMom. She dominates at mini golf, especially after a few drinks, and it is a fact that Tim Gunn once complimented her on her sandals. You can find her hawking blog posts and fetishizing candy on Twitter, and if you really want to feed her ego (which took a major hit thanks to an adolescent unibrow and a penchant for Troll doll earrings), you can become her fan on Facebook.

Comments

  1. Hilarious. It’s also a nice pillow for my kids when we snuggle on the couch. They fight over it.

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  2. jodi says:

    Just yesterday my kid asked, “Mommy, what’s in there?” I had no idea it had a name. Thanks for letting me know!

  3. dying. thanks for the laugh this morning!

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  4. CJ says:

    When our youngest daughter was born, we started calling her “Fupa” as a nickname. I have NO idea how this came about, but she was our little FUPA. Then we had friends over one night. They heard us call our baby FUPA and looked at us like we were NUTS. We had NO idea. Needless to say, we no longer call her FUPA.

  5. Very, very funny. I totally have a FUPA. And I really hate to tell you this, but my kids are 6 and 7 and I STILL have a FUPA. So you can re-run this post in six years with very few adjustments.

  6. Freaking hilarious. I am going to print this out and nail it to my wall.

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  7. I love you. I just had a baby, too, so I know the FUPA well. You make me laugh, and with a newborn> I needed that!!!!

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  8. Wildology says:

    Oh the things I have to look forward to after this monster pops out…

  9. Britni says:

    this literally made me laugh so hard I’m near tears. Thank you for putting something like this into a hilarious context. I love it.

  10. andie says:

    OMG, coworker gave me this definition yesterday! We have an out of control FUPA here at work, you have no idea.

  11. marj says:

    I just snorted what i was drinking out my nose, yo. Laughing so hard my stomach hurts and I’m pretty sure I peed myself. Which means I also had kids.

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  12. Kelly M says:

    First trip to Disney the security guard asked to search my fanny pack as we entered ‘The Magic Kingdom’. I was not wearing a fanny pack. I now know it was my FUPA!!!

  13. Maria says:

    You should see the accentuated glory of a FUPA post C-section. But, my baby is 12, so I expect it will disappear any day now…

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  14. Amy says:

    The FUPA gets harder to fend off with each child. Now I use it to my advantage, because if the FUPA even begins to start puckering, I know it’s time to watch my diet. FUPA’s UNITE! In the medical world we call it a PANNIS. (Google it) On men it’s called a “DICKY DO”, because the belly hangs out further than the “DICKY DO”.

  15. MommaKiss says:

    Dear Lord above, I’ve sadly known {and loved} my FUPA for approximately 6.6 years now. And many times thought that pink beast WAS FUPA. You know YGG is written by high parents, right? That would be the best joke to them, naming her Fupa. And that red dildo? I mean come on.

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  16. Ali says:

    I just pulled my jeans up over my fupa a few seconds ago. Nothing worse than your jeans jabbing into your fupa.

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  17. Lisa says:

    I just had my second baby at the end of October and my second C-section. Let me tell you that my FUPA now has a friend. It’s like FUPA 2.0 that is actually above my belly button. There is no way to pull your pants up that high… I love my babies, but damn!

  18. Julie says:

    This is truly the funniest thing I have read in quite some time. I can relate.

  19. John says:

    Absolutely hilarious.

    I’ve had a FUPA for far longer than I’ve been a parent, though I did try to blame pregnancy for a long time.

    Since I’m tall, I’ve found that it works as a stepping stool when climbing Mt Daddy. Only, well, it really freaking hurts when TE toddler feet miss.

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] off the ceiling. But being a mom is no reason to let your body go. You might have a cute little FUPA now, but if you don’t watch out, before long you’ll be wearing your jeans up to your armpits, [...]

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