Frosty’s Dirty Little Secret

Frosty the Snowman has made millions as the goofy snowman next door whose image is as pure as the driven snow. He is adored by young and old alike for his whimsical nature and his ability to make people believe in magic without forcing it like Olivia Newton-John did in Xanadu. He can sing and dance and has a weird tendency to randomly shout “Happy Birthday” but what do we really know about Frosty?

A former employee of Frosty’s has come forward to report that Frosty has a secret. In the spirit of full disclosure, I should note that this employee was terminated for taking a hunk of Frosty’s butt and making a Gin and Tonic. Still, I trust the source completely and the drink was delicious.

I know what many of you are thinking…”Frosty’s gay!” No, he is not.  Although, his fashion sense, love of show tunes and constant desire to lead parades through town certainly suggest otherwise. No, this secret is darker. Every family has a skeleton in its closet and Frosty’s family is no different, but it’s not so much a skeleton as an icy specter since snowmen could technically be considered invertebrates but I digress.

The truth is that Frosty has a twin – Fred the Snowman!

Frosty’s family has tried to keep Fred out of the public eye due to his disheveled appearance, his love of cocktails and his tendency to start snowball fights. Fred’s problems reportedly began at a young age when his parents constantly belittled him saying things like, “Your arms look like twigs!” and “You don’t have a cute button nose like Frosty!”

By the time the Snowman boys entered high school, their paths appeared to be set. While Frosty was voted “Most Likely to Melt in a Green House but Sing a Jaunty Tune”, Fred was voted “Most Likely to be Caught under the Bleachers Smoking Ciggies and Drinking Mad Dog”. After graduation, Frosty went off to pursue his dream of becoming a star of stage and screen while Fred was left to intermittent work as a lawn ornament for people to lazy to build their own snowmen.

I tried to reach members of the Snowman family but found that the parents died in an unexpected December thaw in 2003. I attempted to contact Frosty through his publicist but he declined to comment on this story. No contact information was available for Fred so all we have to confirm his existence is the following photo:

More information will most likely come to light as Frosty ponders a run for public office. Until then, however, Frosty’s past will remain shrouded in mystery.

Photo Credit (intro)