It is reported that the average American gains between 7 and 10 pounds during the period from Halloween to New Year’s. Yes, this may sound like a scary number, but since I am a glass-half-full-of-creamy-hot-chocolate kind of person, I offer you this positive spin: How boring would New Year’s Day be if we didn’t have two months of accumulated guilt and fat to angst over? What are resolutions for, anyway? Are you with me? Let’s hear a *burp* out there for rampant overindulgence followed by fervent ascetism!
In order to really do up those sixty days of debauchery and properly get yourself to that January 1 state of self-loathing, rebound dieting and white-knuckled New-Year-New-You-Again determination, you must eat 4 to 5 servings (holi-)daily of each of The Four Basic Holiday Food Groups:
1. Whole-Grain alcohol
I don’t know about you, but I like my fiber shaken, not stirred. Load up on the mulled wine, hot buttered rum, cran-tinis and Depaz Winter Mojitos for that special hate-yourself-in-the-next-sixty-mornings feeling.
2. Meat(balls) and (Swedish)Fish
Nothing packs the pounds on more effectively than pretending that those 4,762 mini-meatballs you just consumed are the caloric equivalent of a 4-oz. steak. And when it comes to sweets, knock back enough of the “shooter” size—truffles, mini-cupcakes, tartlets, baby ganaches, petit fours—and you’ll be sure to want to shoot yourself come January.
3. Dairy (Queen)
Sometimes it helps to go on a diet during the holidays. An All-Eggnog-All-Day Diet, that is! Martha Stewart has a recipe that’s 99% heavy cream—we’re pretty sure this is what actually landed her in prison.
4. Fruit (cake) and Veg(Out On The Couch)gies.
It wouldn’t be the holidays if you didn’t consume at least 5,000 calories worth of “gift food” daily—Hickory Farms sausage, fruitcake, canned ham, a beribboned bucket of roasted cashews, all three sections of a three-sectioned popcorn tin—and then lie on the sofa, moaning about eating “crap that you wouldn’t touch any other time of year”.
No, it’s not exactly the Food Pyramid, more like the Food Squatty-Hexagon, but if you make sure to adhere to the Four Holiday Food Groups, you too can ride that pendulum swing from Human Beagle 2011 to Repentant Dinner Sinner 2012. Good luck!
Disclaimer: The above is what we in the industry refer to as a “humor article”. Please do not report me to the American Heart Association, OA or the Fun Police.
About Dusty
“Squatty-hexagon” I love it.
Twitter Name: sellabitmum
“Squatty” just says it all, doesn’t it?
Oh, come on, we all know the fun police love donuts, they won’t care.
Twitter Name: cannibal_nerd
Ah yes, but do they love donuts AND eggnog? That’s the real test.
I’m googling Martha’s heavy cream eggnog, RIGHT NOW.
Tis the season! ;)
Oh my. It is SO delicious. You will die. Happily.
I think there is nothing wrong with a twist here and there and voila!
eat plenty o’ servings of swedishFISH and MEATballs.
This…this is a food pyramid I can follow.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
I knew you would rock with that, Empress.
One year my sister worked really hard to lose 75 pounds on Weight Watchers and gained every pound back in the month of December, so YES, I do worry about the holiday period !
Are you serious? Wow. Although I’m not really surprised. Scarrrryyyyy….
Did you mean ascetism in a spiritual sense or an athletic sense ? I had to go through 3 dictionaries to even find that word. Do you play professional Scrabble ? :)
I’m laughing hysterically because I’m playing Scrabble right this minute. Totally true.
mmmmmmmmm love holiday eating. My fav thing ever! How fun that 2 out of my 3 pregnancies were through the full eatin’ season – Halloween through NYE! Bonus!
And yeah I am taking a break this year from it all unfortunately since I think it’s time to lose the baby weight from 2 1/2 years ago. HAHAH
Twitter Name: zenaliciousmom
Holiday eating is like my idea of heaven. With January being hell, naturally.
And you know what else is great (since you’re being such the optimist). The holiday season starts earlier and earlier every year. I can feel that poundage averaging up as we speak.
Twitter Name: nannygoats
That IS good news.