Fitness Tips for the Frazzled Mom

Finding time to work out isn’t always easy when you spend 60% of each day wiping other people’s butts and cleaning smushed peas off the ceiling. But being a mom is no reason to let your body go. You might have a cute little FUPA now, but if you don’t watch out, before long you’ll be wearing your jeans up to your armpits, sporting a mom butt as wide as Nebraska and doing all your shopping at the Dress Barn.

That’s why we’re here to help you keep your priorities in check (looking fabulous – duh!) by giving you time-tested strategies to stay in tip-top MILF shape. You’re welcome.

Give in to all your children’s absurd requests

Got a toddler who calls for you every 30 seconds demanding everything from chocolate-covered Cheerios to Easter decorations that are stowed away in the attic? Now’s the time to give in to all those ridiculous requests. Remember, anything that burns calories is a win!

Wear your teenagers

Don’t stop at wearing your baby. Find a carrier large enough to contain all your children and wear them around the house each evening for several hours. Not only will this promote excellent family bonding, you will be sure to burn thousands of calories.

Make the most of multitasking

Sure, you may be breastfeeding, cooking dinner and folding laundry at the same time. But certainly you can do more! Make sure to slip some squats, lunges, push-ups and jumping jacks in there. Don’t be lazy. Everyone knows girl push-ups don’t count, K?

Have plenty of aerobic sex

Does your husband look at you like a dog in heat even though you just popped a baby out of your cooter two weeks ago and your ass still has stitches? Don’t push him away. Take advantage of all that aerobic calorie-burning sex. No pain, no gain, biatches!

Take advantage of down time

Yes, it’s okay to spend a few minutes (oh, who are we kidding? a few hours) after the kids go to bed at night watching Desperate Housewives reruns. Just make sure you are doing high kicks at the same time.

Never sit down to pee

Don’t stop at hovering at gas stations and fast food toilets. Never sit down to pee again. Trust me. Your thighs will thank me later.

Try the leftover diet

Skip the Atkins diet, the cabbage soup diet and the pineapple diet. They never work anyway. Here’s a little MILF secret: don’t eat anything except the food your children leave behind on their plates. Not sure you want to live on pre-chewed chicken nuggets, pureed carrots and pre-licked grapes? Remember, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

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About Naomi De La Torre

Naomi de la Torre used to be a world famous salsa dancer and Guinness World Record holder in competitive meat-sculpting and artistic pie-eating before she gave up her life of fame and fortune to settle down. Now the mother of two adorable boys, she is most likely to be found hiding from the 100 pound pile of dirty laundry that stalks her, eating her weight in jarred cheese or using a can of Crisco to squeeze herself into her old sequined salsa dresses. Naomi is a contributing writer for SheKnows, Momtastic, Baby Banter and Insert Eyeroll.

Comments

  1. OMG. Dying laughing over here. SO FUNNY, Naomi! You killed it!

    xoxox

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  2. Poppy says:

    Multi-tasking while breastfeeding explains my 8 inch nipples. My body is banging enough for the cover of National Geographic.

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  3. Mandyland says:

    Wait!! I ALREADY shop at the Dress Barn. Taking copious notes to try to get my body in MILF shape.

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  4. Dusty says:

    “Wear your teenagers” made me snort out loud. And I’m totally crouching to pee from now on.

  5. Vidya Sury says:

    My thighs have been thanking me for years now ;-)

    Loved this, Naomi!

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