Face Unlaws with Caring Kindness

Unlaws. You know what they are right?

The inlaws who aren’t with it. They don’t get a damn thing. You’re breastfeeding and they’re pushing salt beef and milky toast on the baby. You’re babywearing and they keep pointing out sales ads for strollers and mentioning your “poor back.” You’re a size 10 and they insist on giving you ugly itchy size 12 sweaters every Christmas.

It’s called being passive aggressive. And you can do it too! It just involves hiding nastiness under kindness. Like Face Unlaws with Caring Kindness. Aka, FUCK.

So, for project FUCK you need two things:

1. Remind yourself of all the ways they’ve tormented you through the years…think about it….okay, got your angry cap on now? Good.
2. Now go to your mirror and practice smiling like a British debutante. You know the smile I’m talking about: the one Bridget Fonda is trained to do in Point of No Return; the one that makes an assassin look like a fairy princess.

With those two things you’re set to go. Here are some tips for project FUCK:

• When Mom Unlaw gets sick, bring over a casserole. Accidentally forget that their sensitive elderly stomachs can’t handle the least bit of seasoning; sprinkle liberally with garlic and chilli.

• Oh no! Did they say they were coming this Sunday? You thought it was next Sunday. Well, that works out quite well as you’ve bought movie tickets for yourself and their do-no-wrong son and the sitter has “canceled” on you. They can stay home with the kids and you’ll order in pizza (with extra spicy sausage) for everyone. Seeing as how they’ll have pizza, you and your husband can enjoy a night out at a restaurant too. Make sure to thank them so often that they have no time to protest.

• Unlaws live far away? Call them up and let them know that Junior and Sally are sending letters they wrote especially for them. Get Junior to write a large F on a piece of construction paper. Get Sally to write a large U on another. Pretend not to notice what that means. Fold each piece around some half-head shots of the kids with dirty faces. On the outside of the envelope write “Photos: Do Not Bend.” This will excite them. Be sure to have Junior and Sally call to ask if they enjoyed their letters and photos.

Just remember, with the right attitude and the right presentation, a dish served cold is still sweet indeed.

Sweet, sweet revenge.

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