You know what I like to do? Exercise. Know what bugs me? When people at the gym, um, exercise poor etiquette.
Today, I personally fell victim to five egregious gym faux pas. So read ‘em and weep folks, the five scenarios thrust upon me today which you should never instigate.
Inappropriate Conversations: Just because we go to the same gym and change in the same locker room doesn’t mean that we’re destined to be besties. I’m here to workout — not socialize. Still, I get it. Some people need to chat it up with strangers every now and then. And I’m okay with it.
Unless they’re naked. So, do me a favor. If you’re rockin’ with your cock out, save the lip, okay?
Pay it forward: There I was, minding my own business on a stationary bike when I noticed the woman beside me had just finished. Know what else I noticed? Ample amounts of… (what’s the technical term I’m looking for here? OH…) butt sweat she left behind (sorry) on the seat. While I’m not here to criticize folks for butt sweat, I am here to criticize anyone who doesn’t clean it up with one of the sanitary wipes conveniently located throughout the gym.
Pay it forward and wipe your machine down. No one wants to sit on your dried butt sweat.
Meathead Soundoffs: Ever watch Maria Sharapova play tennis? The grunts after every ground stroke are pretty annoying. So a quick heads up to the meatheads in the power squat competition over there in the corner…you grunts are too primal for my comfort. And kinda gross. Please. Save it for the bedroom. Or bathroom.
I’m sorry. Were you running?: This guy came up and engaged me in conversation while I was on the treadmill. It’s okay. He wasn’t naked. Plus, I like him. But you know what I don’t like? When someone wants to play 20-questions-to-get-caught-up while I’m running. Timing’s critical here, people.
Save the chatty for Cathy. Unless she’s on the elliptical.
Karaoke: Like most, I enjoy listening to music while I workout, only today I forgot my iPod. The chick on the treadmill next to me didn’t. As a result, I learned several things about her. First, she’s a Katy Perry enthusiast. Second, she has trouble (like Katy) with her upper register. (It was just a’ight for me, Dog.) And third, she wants to get (my) heart racing in her skin-tight jeans (and) be (my) teenage dream tonight.
That, or she doesn’t realize that although she can’t hear the outside world while she’s getting down to Katie Perry, the outside world can still hear her. No sing alongs at the gym, people. I’m way too sober for that shit.
Image: prayitno via Creative Commons
About John Cave Osborne
Oh, the grunts. They drove me nuts when I used to go to the gym…long, long ago…
yes, Peryl, the grunts are gross, my friend. Happy Thanksgiving!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Thank goodness I’m not alone!
Having to watch grown men grunt and slam weights down while wearing a terry cloth sweatband was enough for me to save my monthly fee and take up walking.
For free.
Twitter Name: ASassyRedhead
for free made me el oh el. have a great (and grunt-free) Tday!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
OOooh just got back from the gym where I was just thinking about faux pas since I felt like I was in the movie Contagion.
Really, girl running on the treadmill next to me continually hacking up a lung perhaps you should have just stayed home and kept your ebola virus contained instead of sharing it with me and the rest of healthy gym going folks. ARGH!!!
Twitter Name: zenaliciousmom
that’s seriously gross. i feel your pain on that one.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
oh i appreciated this post SO much.
i get it, some people are way more comfortable with their (naked) bodies than others are. comfortable or not, i am never going to be comfortable chatting it up with you & your naked body.
Twitter Name: scribblesbya
full-blown naked convos are a no-no. regardless of how comfy you are with your bod.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Wha? Is it even exercising if they are singing along with an ipod? I mean, isn’t your heart rate supposed to be high and you’re all out of breath and sweaty? That is why you go to a gym with an ipod. So if you can sing along well enough for someone to understand you (ahem) then you’re not doing it right.
wha? (ahem)? i’m not saying she was busting it out full-board. and i’m also not saying it wasn’t a touch breathy. but i am saying she was singing, though, admittedly, i didn’t check her heart rate, so i’m not sure on its status. happy thanksgiving!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Oh, the grunting! We get it…you’re working out hard. But, actually, you’re really just showing off and looking for attention. So, please, get ahold of your ego and shut the hell up!
When I was at the gym a couple of weeks ago, two older men (close to, or perhaps more than, twice my age) took the treadmills on either side of me. I had forgotten my iPod (so unfortunate) and they started carrying on a conversation across me, with occasional references to me. Eventually they engaged me in conversation, and then their third friend joined them. Turns out one of the men used to be an instructor in my department, so we had stuff to talk about. But then…the three of them invited me to lunch! Ummmm…NO! Totally crossing a line.
My husband appreciated the fact (when I told him later) that when the invitation came to join them for lunch I chuckled and said, “Oh…usually when I go to lunch with three men, they’re all gay,” which is true and I didn’t mean it as an insult, but I was just a little stunned over the invite and said the first thing that came to mind. Ooops.