When I was in fifth grade I met Bully Melanie. She wore brown boots with scuffed up toes, the laces long, dirty and untied. Her squinty eyes bored into me, so I avoided them at all costs. Which is probably why I remember so much about her shoes. I heard her coming before I actually saw her, the way she dragged her feet along the sidewalk. Announcing herself, her arrival.
At lunch time I perched on the old wooden bleachers flanking the football field with my friends Elizabeth and Mandy, my lunch spread out in front of me. Bully Melanie didn’t discriminate. She simply sauntered up to me and took what she wanted, holding out her hand and oozing a sense of entitlement. She spat gruff words all over me. She smirked knowingly, while her posse waited in the wings, watching her work. Yanking things out of my hands, she set off with my lunch and my self worth tucked neatly under her arm.
She never called me by my name, probably because she didn’t know it. She was only one or two years older than I, but she was intimidating. As she towered over me, I felt scared and ashamed, so I let her take what she wanted. A banana here, a sandwich there, sometimes a bag of Doritos or a red box of Sunmaid raisins. Occasionally all of it. And then my friends Mandy and Elizabeth would kindly hand over bits of their lunches while the tears rolled down my cheeks. They sat speechless, but after she left they’d ask me why I let her do it.
Why?
Because she made me feel small. She scared me. She was mean. She didn’t take “no” for an answer.
SHE WAS A BULLY.
And where oh where were my teachers when all this was going on? I don’t remember. But they were not there. They did not see. I had no advocate. No one to step in and come to my rescue. I was too scared.
About Erin Margolin
My son is experiencing some of this in school. He is 7 years old. He came home from school and said, “Mommy, I’ve got some good news and some bad news for today. First off, I pushed Justin down when he shoved me. I pushed him to the ground. I’m sorry – that’s the bad news.” I was SO proud of him that I immediately told him that was the good news of the day and together we rejoiced at his rising confidence level. Tomorrow, it might be different. But for that day, he stood his ground and then pulled the ground out from under Justin’s feet. Proud Mommy!!!!
Mia,
I seriously hate that this stuff is starting this early with our generation’s kids…but am so glad he’s dealing with it and standing up for himself!!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
The power of your images is stunning. How true that we see only that which we allow ourselves to see. In your case, those terrible boots and all that they symbolized for you.
Proud of you, honey. Terrific post.
Thanks, Nancy. I may never forget those boots. and hope my girls won’t encounter any….at least for a long while.
xoxo
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
The little red box of Sunmaid raisins broke my heart…A tiny detail that reveals how clearly the memories still sit in your brain. In your heart.
Because I’m one of those “let’s look for the positives” kind of people (I know. Hate me!) I want to applaud you for your strength now – maybe Bully Melanie had a part in fortifying you in some way for the future.(?)
Also, you will be aware and an advocate for your girls, I know. You will ask questions and follow through and be SURE they are not left unprotected; physically OR emotionally.
And now, I just want to hug your fifth grade self. And you.
XO
Twitter Name: julie gardner
Julie,
Thanks so much for coming by! I not only hope they never have to go through it, but that none of them is ever THE ONE DOING THE BULLYING. oy. parenthood is tough.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Oh, I’m so sorry. I experiences some bullying, but mine was when I was a little older and more the type of gossip and segregation and whatnot. I am so sorry it is still so clear in your mind, and I wish there was some way to protect all children from this experience.
Twitter Name: angelaamman
Angela,
I think the only way to combat the bullying problem is by speaking up/ out about our experiences…thanks for stopping by!! xoxo
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
I am so sorry. :( We dealt with this last year. My son’s bully was relentless. It wasn’t until the child started throwing rocks at my sons face while he was swinging that the school finally put a stop to it. I can’t stand bullying.
Twitter Name: 31_Amber_31
Amber,
ROCKS???? omg. omg. Makes lunch stealing look piddly by comparison. SO sorry. ugh.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
If I had one wish for kids who are bullied, it would be for them to have the knowledge, confidence and skills they will one day have as adults to deal with bullies when they are young. It’s so easy to see them for what they are once we’re all grown up but as kids, they are terrifying.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
Izzymom,
Amen! Thank you so much for coming by & commenting!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Oh, that brought back some memories. My Melanie was named Gina and the thought of her makes me shudder to this day. I hate that she took your raisins :-( But I’m glad you grew up and that you have girls that you can raise to be lovely human beings.
Dusty,
my secret fear?? what if my kids turn out to be bullies? shudder. we talk a lot about all of this at home, so hopefully that won’t happen.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
i hate that this happened to you, that i never knew, and that no one stopped her; can you go back there, with adult eyes, and see she was probably bullied at home (she had to have learned it somewhere), and maybe, just maybe, she really didn’t have a lunch, or maybe not enough food at home?? i am totally NOT excusing her behavior (there is no excuse for bullying), or asking you to feel sorry/forgive her…this suggestion is for YOU…maybe you could return to this place that still haunts you, see it now as an adult, comfort that child “you”, and put it to rest? NOT for her benefit, but for yours…XXX
Thanks, Mom/Gigi!
love you!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Unfortunately, bullying is a subject I’ve dealt with a lot while growing up. It took me years to recover from the torment that I went through. (I’ve found blogging about it to be very therapeutic.)
Last year, a kid bullied my son (punched him in the stomach). When I went to meet with the teacher and principal about it, they began giving me the runaround finally saying that my son “isn’t the type of kid who would be bullied.” Like there’s only a certain type of kid and everyone else is safe! We pulled him from that school and he’s doing great in another school now. I don’t know what’s worse: bullying or school administrators who willingly turn a blind eye to bullying because they don’t want to admit it is a problem in their school!
Twitter Name: TechyDad
TechyDad,
I cannot believe the administrators’ reaction—and I hope you made a big stink about it before you pulled him out and that you spread the word about what was going on behind the scenes. That’s horrible! But I’m glad to hear your son is doing much better now!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Yes, we went right to the superintendent after the “he’s not the type.” Sadly, there are a lot of school administrators out there who willingly turn a blind eye to bullying because they a) don’t want to admit there’s a problem, b) think bullying is “just a normal part of life”, and/or c) don’t want to put the effort into fixing the problem.
The irony in my son’s case was that they were on their way to an anti-bullying presentation. Instead, my son wound up in the nurses office where he tried blaming himself for “causing” the other kid to punch him… We told him it wasn’t his fault and nothing he did came close to meriting any physical response. Bullying is bad enough. Blaming yourself for being bullied is so much worse!
Twitter Name: TechyDad
You see what she did? She made you dislike ugly brown boots. Such a shame.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
UnknownMami,
LOL! So you’re saying there’s a silver lining here, right?!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
I was bullied throughout elementary and middle school by various Melanies and Mels. It left deep, deep scars on me that took years to heal after I graduated 8th grade. The bullying “epidemic” is way out of control today. I’m terrified that when I have kids, they’ll have their own bullies. I have no idea how I’ll handle it (while restraining from beating the snot out of the bullies myself).
Thanks for sharing your story. *hugs*
Twitter Name: elizabethbarone
When my younger daughter was in 2nd and 3rd grade she was bullied by her ‘best friend’ The parents were going through a messy divorce and The Chicken would conviently get injured while they played at school. If The Chicken didn’t do what her friend wanted her friend would tell her she wasn’t allowed to play with the other kids at recess. That nobody liked her, that she was stupid. When I went to the teacher and the principal about it I was told because I knew the family that maybe I should handle it because they didn’t like to pick sides. I was furious. When I contacted her parents about it, they said she was having some anger issues and maybe I should give her a break. I told them that their daughter was to not come in any contact with my daughter unless directly supervised by adults and that it wasn’t okay for my daughter to be her daughter’s emotional punching bag. What made matters even worse was this girl was also in my girl scout troop.
Thankfully the bullying stopped and because of the stink I raised they now take bullying much more seriously and The Chicken and this girls are friends again (5 years later) Not long ago she apologized and told her that she was lashing out at her because she was jealous of her….she said it’s not an excuse but I now know why I did it.
Twitter Name: DExtraordinaire